Clay Puppington quotes from Moral Orel

Doughy

Hey, sheriff? You want me to stay here to make sure that Orel doesn't goof anything up? Or maybe you can take me on the hunting trip with you, sheriff.

Clay

Oh ho ho, Doughy. That was just a ploy to get Orel to shoot better. Why, you could be Lee Harvey Oswald and I still wouldn't bring you on that trip with me.

Only God could explain why you stayed here with me, and your brothers and sisters didn't. It must have been all that praying I did during the pregnancy with you. Do you know I didn't even smoke? Imagine being that preoccupied that you forget to even light up a cigarette every once in a while. My stomach was tied in such knots, and...I was so steeped in all my prayers that I couldn't even force down a highball. I mean, if it wasn't for food, I would've wasted away to nothing; and of course, through everything that was going on through my mind, I never had time to horseback ride or go on a roller coaster. And that trampoline out back, that practically went to waste. With all that lack of exercise, it's a wonder you were ever born at all.

Clay

Mom, are you telling me that you're trying to tell me that I'm not your precious, only ever?

Well, you're my precious, only, living ever. By default.

Clay

You lied to me!

No!

Clay

You lied to me, Mommy! I'm not going to be your precious, only, living ever any more!

No! Clarence, come back! I mean, Clay!

I'm sorry, Mr Puppington, cardiac arrest.

She was in heaven before we got here.

No...there is no heaven... [Clay hugs him, crying. Arthur shoves him aside] I don't need anymore of your leftovers.

Clay

You'll go to hell for saying there's no heaven.

You're not even worth it.

Clay

Not worth it?

I want to see you in my study. Now.

Clay, it's been a grand Puppington tradition that the head of the household passes down Ol' Gunny to his firstborn son. But I am not passing it onto you now because of that tradition. I am in fact ending the tradition. There will be no coming of the age hunting trip. I don't want this in my possession anymore. It's tainted. With blood.

Clay

Sure it's not just ketchup?

No, look closer. You killed your mother with this gun.

Clay

You know, it's a sin to bear false witness.

Clay

Oh, oh, oh, and remember the last lost sixty-third commandment: Thou shalt never forget thy loaded a gun when thou has an innocent child in the house!

Clay

Well, well, well, Dr. Quentin Xavier Potterswheel!

Potterswheel

Clay.

Clay

Hey, Doc, we were just talking about ex-wives.

Potterswheel

Uh, I'm a widower.

Clay

Oh, right, right. Must be nice to lose a wife to sickness and death instead of her just plain ol' getting sick of you.

Potterswheel

No... Not so nice, especially when you're a doctor.

Clay

She just loved those painkillers! Probably didn't even realize she was infected, right Doc?

Potterswheel

She was... quite comfortable when she passed.

Clay

"Numb", some call it! Now, me and Jesus, we like to feel the pain. Tell me, doc. Did some of those painkillers protect her against you?

Potterswheel

What does that mean?

Clay

You know. The pain. Of you. Day in, day out, being there. With that face. Not knowing what to say. Not caring anymore. Not even knowing that you'll probably only care about her when it's finally too late. Forgetting about all those desperate- those desperate years you spent alone, your barren years when no woman would even consider resting her tired head on your shaky little shoulder. Stinking of belly semen. Why even wipe? And when you finally get one of these... [Points at Dolly and imitates a fanfare] ...coveted pieces of tail that have been built up as the grand trophy in your nothing life, you try desperately to keep it. Not to protect it! But to hoard it. To keep it away from the other wolves and jackals circling your territory! And you realize, all too soon, that you're not good enough! That maybe there was a jerk-off called Darwin after all. And that you never acknowledged his existence because you knew deep inside that you were really what you feared you were-- weak. And passive. And ultimately, broken by the ones who were made the fittest. And that through your weaknesses, you built up a poison that poisoned others around you. [About to cry] That you love. And the only true justice was to let those dominant jackals feed on you. Survive off you. [Potterswheel wipes his brow nervously with a handkerchief] If that one gets too sweaty, I've got an extra one for ya.

Potterswheel

Uh...

Clay

Oh, come on. It's a nice one.

Clay, maybe the doctor would like to be left alone.

Clay

Oh, is that so? Well maybe you would like to put those slutty little breasts of yours right in my kisser! [Officer Papermouth puts a hand on Clay's shoulder] Ooh, the long arm of the law! [Papermouth slams him on the bar, ready to pistol whip him]

Potterswheel

No, Roger!

Clay

Yeah, Roger, listen to the wife murderer! [he laughs again; Potterswheel grabs a scalpel and Reverend Putty grabs a bottle. Dolly leaves in a huff.] Aw, you better go too, Reves! Let the men handle this!

Reverend Putty

How would your teeth like a five finger discount on a knuckle sandwich, Puppington?!

Clay

[opens his mouth, waiting for them to smash his teeth in] Well? What are you waiting for? I'm waiting! I'm waiting! [after seeing him try to egg them on, the men leave, realizing he's not worth it] Well, it looks like the only fists that are raised in this town are pacifists! Yeah, run, get out of here! Get out of here, cowards! Look at you! Ha, ha, ha, ha!!! Where are you all going?! GET BACK HERE! YOU COME BACK HERE!!! SHOW ME THAT YOU HAVE ONE ONCE OF TESTOSTERONE BETWEEN THE THREE OF YOU!!! [he drops to his knees] With all you people as role models, no wonder my son is...sensitive.

Orel

Mr Mayor, I'm here to suggest--

Clay

Orel?

Orel

Dad?!

Clay

What're you doing here?

Orel

Y-y-you're the mayor?

Clay

Don't remind me. Stinking dead-end job...

Clay

I'm not so sure Miss Censordoll really want's eggs illegal.

Orel

But she said she did.

Clay

Well, you see, Orel, people don't always say what's on their mind.

Orel

They don't? That's silly.

Clay

Oh, don't ever call it silly, son. Not saying what's on our mind is what this country's based on.

Clay

[Awkward] So, uh...how are...things...Orel?

Orel

[quick and blunt] I think we should get right to the lecture and punishment because I have a lot to do.

Clay

Whoa! Mister Busy!

Orel

You had six months to talk.

Clay

The last six months were not filled with you helping some mad woman campaign against me and my job!

Orel

You don't even like your job.

Clay

Like? Like?! No-one likes their job! Have you listened to anything I've ever said in here? Does this chair absorb my voice? Do all these dead animal heads eat my words before they reach your delicate little ears?!

Orel

Can I go now?

Clay

You know that thing that you do with your hands, and mouth, and throat, and stomach? That thing called "eating?" Well, say goodbye to that forever if I lose my position in this town because of you!

Orel

I will.

Clay

Okay!! [Normally] You can go.

Clay

Orel, I've been a bad dad, I admit it, ok? I'm sorry about shooting you, I'm sorry about the ignoring, blah-blah-blah - all of that. Now that we've made up, you gotta tell me what that witch is up to, you gotta, Orel! Please!

Orel

People just don't say what's on their minds, dad.

Clay

Don't give me that! That's my line!

Orel

Well, guess it's true.

Clay

Of course it's true! The mind is a scary, scary, scary thing.

Orel

Why?

Clay

Because somewhere, way down deep inside, in it's twisted catacombs and dank, dark hallways, there's an even scarier, more horribly monstrous entity.

Orel

[scared] W-w-what?

Clay

Truth. Now, tell me the truth, Orel.

Orel

I don't know, dad.

Clay

Uh-huh? Don't know? Well, I take everything back! And I'm glad I shot you!

Clay

What are you doing here with my son?!

Orel

Stop!

Clay

The thought of you two together makes my skin crawl!

Orel

Please! All we were doing was...having a nice time. For the first Christmas in...I don't know how long. I felt relaxed and full of joy.

Clay

This...is...rape! You raped my son!

Bloberta

What?

Clay

With niceness, in order to get to me! Well, it worked, you got to me! Now you stay away from him! He's not yours, I am! [He stops, realizing what he's just said] I mean-- he's mine, my son! Oh, I miss you..., Orel. I need you in my life..., Orel. And I...I...I...love you.

Bloberta

[Bitterly] We should go.

Clay

I love you, I love you, I love you..., Orel.

Orel

Come on, dad, it's late.

Clay

No! [He takes a step towards Stopframe, but cracks a picture of the two]

He's right. It's too late.

Clay

Right. [he turns to leave]

I had fun. [Clay turns around, only to see Stopframe smiling with Orel. Heartbroken, he leaves with his family, but leaves behind the stuffed bear. Stopframe strokes it.] Well, how are you at trimming?

I blame myself for how you treated Orel.

Clay

Orel is doing fine...ish.

Well, I have to admit, I was kind of surprised he didn't know about God for so long in this God-forsaken, God-fearing town. Why?

Clay

I didn't have the confidence to answer any of his questions, let alone talk about God (he starts crying) because I felt worthless.

Clay

But now I know that's the answer to EVERY ONE of his questions!!! I never want you to see Orel again.