Clay Puppington quotes from Moral Orel

Clay

Son, imagine my disappointment when I got a call from the hospital, and found you weren't sick or injured.

Clay

I'm surprised at you, Orel; you know that only God and the government can decide who lives and who dies.

Clay

Son, I know things have been rough over the past few months, what with your mother's unreasonable behavior and bitter coldness towards me.

Clay

Don't say it, you and Shapey are still young, needy, impressionable children. So your mother and I have decided to stay together. If only for appearances. The last thing we want people to think is that we don't care about our own kids. That's one fact that is none of their business

Clay

God makes two types of mistakes. The first kind is called "a miracle". You know, like bleeding statues, burning bushes, earthquakes and hurricanes that destroy disgusting foreign cultures? Those are all good mistakes that back up our faith in positive ways. And then there are His not so good mistakes. Traffic jams, the common cold and the mentally retarded. Those are called "God's blunders"

Clay

(after Orel tells him he's been having wet dreams about God spanking him) You've been having what about who doing what?! I think you know what this means! (Orel makes an aroused grin, Clay realizes belting him won't solve this problem) Just...just meet me in my study.

Clay

In this cold, cynical, free-thinking, lonely world you’ve made, it’s somewhat expected when new friendships are welcomed with open hearts.

Clay

Orel, you know you shouldn't upset your mother by coming home with dirty clothes, because then, your mother talks to your father, and no-one wants that

Clay

Aaah. his is the life, kid. Out in the fresh air, no one tell you what to do or how her day was. Away from the hustle and bustle of nagging.

Clay

Orel, you've got one week to get over your jitters and become a decent shot. Until you do, I wanna see this gun in your hand 24 hours a day. It has to feel like it's a part of your body, the way a tumbler of whiskey feels in my desperate grip.

Clay

Reverend Moderator, citizens of Moralton, friends, I have been criticized quite intensely for the outlawing of our little gooey breakfast buddies. I have been called a calloused hunter by my esteemed opponent. Does hunting and death really pose such a horrible threat to this town? Death, dear friends, is the best thing ever! Death is the beginning of our everlasting life. The only eggs I smash are the eggs of filth, the inhuman eggs that squeeze with vile evil, through the tantalizingly moist passage of feminine foul temptation, [is now becoming more and more lustful] protruding from our mother, bit by bit, with wrongful, erotic succulence. Completely enveloped by that soiled, evil, maternal opening.

Orel

Gee dad, I was just trying to stop those dead people from spitting phelgm onto God's face

Clay

That much I understand, son. But there are other ways of preserving God's gift of life

Orel

How?

Clay

Well, for one... [Picks up the Necronomicon from the shelf] where in this book does it say the dead have to be naked?

Orel

Well, it doesn't really, but some of their clothes were stinky and messy with blood.

Clay

Their clothes didn't smell, Orel, their bodies smell. Their disgusting, exposed bodies.

Orel

Oh. I guess I was too caught up in bringing them back to life to notice

Clay

That's no excuse. Nudity is a horrible thing, and should only be committed as a last resort. Remember the lost 11th Commandment: Thou shalt be ashamed of thy natural anatomy.

Orel

Dad, how do you make babies?

Clay

How old are you, Orel? 9?

Orel

11.

Clay

Hmm, 11. This is interesting. Now that you're 11, you can now know the real story. "Babies are made by God's chef, visiting ladies at night while they're asleep and injecting them with the delicious glaze from his holy pastry bag." Brilliant.

Orel

Gods Chef?

Clay

All right here in the black and white.

Clay

But I don't know if you realize the true danger of crack. Crack is a gateway to slang.

Orel

Slang?

Clay

Yes. Remember, son... people know who you are by the words you use, not the things you do.

Orel

I'm sorry, Dad. From now on, when I do drugs, I'm going to speak properly.

Clay

Attaboy. Just remember the lost 13th Commandment. Thou shalt not bastardize the American language.

Clay

Stinking dead-end job...

Bloberta

Hello, sweetheart.

Clay

[suddenly happy] Hi, honey!

Clay

You have a lot of time before you decide what you're going to do for a living. And when you do start working, it's not going to be as easy as just peeing into a Tupperware container. Working is a very hard, soul-numbing and joyless experience, son

Orel

Gosh, thanks for preparin' me for the future Dad, you're the best!

Clay

If I can make sure you're ready for the dead-end bleakness of adulthood, then I've done my job.