[About Trudy's murder] You didn't leave your house for nearly three years. Your psychiatrist said you'd never work again. Yet here you are, a hundred cases later. What keeps you going?
[Long pause] I can't die until I know.
S7Mr. Monk's 100th Case
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are driving to Douglas Thurman's studio to execute a raid]
Do you, uh, have the warrant?
What? You've gotta be kidding! You just had it in your hand! Where is it? [Randy opens the glovebox, and the arrest warrant is behind one of Randy's CDs]
Found it. It was right behind this CD. [Shows it for the cameraman] I-I'm in a band; the Randy Disher Project; we do a sort of a jazz-fusion-punk, kind of a rap, kind of a folk-
Randy, just give him the damn CD!
You guys like music? You're gonna love this. [Randy takes the CD out of the case, and notices something] Whoa. Is that a scratch? You know what, I should probably put it in to see if it works. [He inserts the CD into the car's player, and his song "I Don't Need a Badge" begins to play, much to Stottlemeyer's annoyance, then a SWAT team, all of them armed with Heckler & Koch MP5A3 submachine gun - along with Stottlemeyer and Disher (both of them wearing Kevlar vests and carrying their own weapons) standing outside the photo studio's front door]
Doug Thurman! SFPD! [The first officer breaches the door with a battering ram, and the SWATs enter their room with their guns drawn]
FSFirst SWAT Officer
Clear! [They then storm next room] Clear!
[In the main room of the studio, they find an eerie shrine to Cassandre Rank, Barbara McFarland, and Miranda Terhume, Thurman's three victims. Novak's camera zooms in to show that each victim's respective lipstick has been smeared onto their photo]
Captain! [Stottlemeyer comes in]
Is that lipstick? That's good enough.
I guess that clinches it. This guy's definitely the Cosmetic Assassin.
FSFirst SWAT Officer
The what?
Cosmetic Assassin. That's what we're calling him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer Maybe you'd like to hear what we're calling you. [Leaves the room]
[In Stottlemeyer's office] That was probably the low point, because we had that creep in handcuffs the day before.
We never should've let him go. But the law's the law: insufficient evidence.
We put out a statewide APB on him.
But we were too late.
[In Barbara McFarland's apartment, the coroner's assistants put the sheet over the body]
[To Stottlemeyer] Same M.O. - strangled from the front.
What about the door?
No forced entry. He either talked his way in, or she knew him. [Natalie comes in from another room carrying a head shot of the victim]
Well, another actress: some local theater and some commercials.
What about her lipstick?
Looks like he took it. [Randy starts writing on his notepad]
"Lipstick Killer." "Lipstick Assassin." "Mr. Lipstick." I've always wanted to name one of these guys.
Why?
If you can name them, you can catch them.
Why?
[Monk and Natalie are driving along a busy road, with Natalie splitting her focus between the road in front of her and the cameraman riding in the backseat]
There's been a breakthrough in the case, it's pretty exciting.
Don't look back! Why are you looking back?
So it turns out both victims worked at the same restaurant. It's one of those themed restaurants; it's called the Morbid Cafe, and the Captain wants Mr. Monk to go talk to the manager.
Okay, could you just pull over? Please, I'm feeling nauseous.
Did I mention he also doesn't like driving?
[Cuts to Monk and Natalie stepping into a restaurant with horror movie decor, followed by Novak's camera crew]
Oh my God, people actually eat here?
Yeah, Julie comes here all the time, she loves it. See all these props? They're from old horror movies.
You should call the Board of Health. [A man wearing vampire makeup steps through one of the curtains]
VMVampire Manager
[Staying in character] Welcome! I have been expecting you! You are from the police department, is that correct?
That's right. I'm Adrian Monk and this is Natalie Teeger.
VVampire
[Taking Natalie's right hand] Oh Natalie? What a "delicious" name. [He kisses Natalie's right hand]
Adrian Why are you talking like that?
VMVampire Manager
I don't know what you mean, but I see we go to the same tailor! Ooh...!
Mr. Gleckson, we'd like to talk to you about a woman named Cassandre Rank. I believe she used to work here.
VMVampire Manager
Yes... Cassandre Rank. She was a most delectable young girl. I remember drinking her blood; she had the most exquisite taste-
She was killed two days ago. Somebody strangled her. [The manager breaks character]
VMVampire Manager
What? Are-are you serious? Oh my God, you-you must have thought that, look-look you know that this is just a job, right? And this is not real blood; it's all makeup. Oh hell, and that stuff about drinking her blood? Oh crap-
When did she work here?
VMVampire Manager
Uh, about a year ago. But she only worked her for about a month; 'cause she got a part in a play or something and then she split. Nobody stays here that long.
There was another woman, a Barbara McFarland? She worked here too, didn't she?
VMVampire Manager
[Slipping back into character] Yes...! Barbara McFarland, she had a very delectable neck, I'm sure in fact-
She was killed too.
VMVampire Manager
[Breaking character] Oh come on! Why can't you just say that? Now I look like a monster; a real monster; and I'm not! [Stammers] Oh, oh, oh, yeah, I knew her. She was here for three months.
Yeah did they know each other? Barbara and Cassandre?
VMVampire Manager
I don't think so, I don't think they ever met. Cassandre left about a year before Barbara showed up, so-
All right, we're gonna need a list of your employees: everyone who worked here when they did.
S7Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized
[Sally Larkin is at a jewelry store trying to sell some of her jewelry]
SMr. Sheckman
[Examining one piece] Hm...
SLSally Larkin
Whaddaya (what do you) think?
SMr. Sheckman
It's very nice. A little too nice. You sure you don't want to take this to an auction house, maybe Sotheby's?
SLSally Larkin
I can't. [Smiles] I don't want any publicity.
SMr. Sheckman
Well, we might be able to find a buyer. We'll need some time, though. A week.
[Sally puts the other merchandise back in her bag]
SMr. Sheckman
A week? OK, I'll call you in a week then. And if you do find a buyer, let them know that I've got some other things that I'm looking to sell. A whole house full, actually. Thank you. [She starts to head for the door, but stops, petrified]
SMrs. Sheckman
You need an umbrella? [Sally doesn't respond] Sweetheart, are you all right?
SLSally Larkin
[Pause, then turns to them] Yeah, yeah. I thought I saw my husband. [Laughs] I guess I'm just a little jumpy. Thank you again. I'll be in touch. [Uses her purse to cover her head as she runs across the street to her car]
[Monk visits Dr. Climan for hypnotherapy]
LCDr. Lawrence Climan
Leap... and a net will appear.
Who's Annette?
LCDr. Lawrence Climan
No, a net to catch you. You're safe.
[Stottlemeyer calls out instructions to a search party]
Okay, listen up! You know the situation. We've got a missing woman. Her name is Sally Larkin. Her husband is suspect #1. Now Mr. Lar... [Disher swings his jacket and it hits Stottlemeyer on the back] ...kin owns this house right here and these seven acres. And we are going to search that seven acres, thoroughly. Let's go.
[Natalie and a newly hypnotized Monk park on the bridge]
Mr. Monk, it's pretty high up. You might want to stay in the car.
Aw, do I have to?
Uh, no. You're the boss.
[Getting out of the car and walking over to the bridge railing] It's such a nice day. It would be fun to run around.
You want to run around?
Ah! There's the Captain! Come on. [Stottlemeyer is calling out more instructions to the search team]
Terrain's a little rough out there so try to stay in formation! Eyes forward and down!
We're looking for anything unusual! Signs of a struggle! Freshly dug dirt! Articles of clothing!
Any questions?
Yeah. What if we win?
[Confused] What do we win?
If we find the body?
You don't win anything.
[Waiting in the foyer of Aaron Larkin's house, Disher passes out pieces of gum]
What is this? [Turns the wrapper over to read the label] Disher Mint?
Yeah, I made it myself.
You made the gum?
Yeah, from a kit. I got it online. In my basement, I'm experimenting with a bunch of new flavors right now. Guess what this one is.
[Making a face] Tar?
No. No, it's Diet Blueberry. [Stottlemeyer starts coughing and spits out his gum, which lands on one of the floor vents] Too much citric acid?
Oh hell! Where'd it go? [He bends down onto the floor to find his runaway gum]
S7Mr. Monk and the Miracle
You wasted a trip.
Why do you say that?
Because they make their own gravy.
Who makes their own gravy?
Bums.
"Bums make their own gravy", what does that even mean?
You don't want to know.
[Ike, Reggie, and the Professor have shown up at Monk's apartment looking for his services]
Do you guys want to sit down?
IRIke, Reggie & the Professor
Yeah! Thanks.
No! That couch doesn't work, none of these chairs work. How 'bout we sit on some newspapers! Julie, go get some newspapers!
[Stottlemeyer muses about his health when he finds Monk and Natalie in his office]
Got five doctors, and they haven't got a clue. They got me on three different medications. I've tried everything. Even this crap. [He motions towards a bottle of a health drink]
What is it?
I don't know. It's some kind of organic hippie concoction from Hell. My aunt sent me a whole carton full of it. [He takes a sip out of the bottle, and gags a little bit]
Oh, it tastes like chalk.
What's in it?
[Reads the label on the bottle] Chalk extract...
So, why do they call you the Professor?
Julie, it's probably because he loves to read and probably because he's curious about the world and other cultures...
?The Professor
I eat books.
Oh.
[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station to talk to Randy about the Willie T. murder]
Maybe the Captain saw something... [Randy turns around, and they see that he has grown a mustache] ...unusual. What is that?
What?
On your face! On your lip!
It looks a little bit like a mustache.
Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job. [Monk and Natalie continue to stare at him, dumbstruck] Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
You're making me a little uncomfortable!
S7Mr. Monk's Other Brother
[Monk has caught an escaped convict hiding in his apartment. Unable to get his pistol lockbox open in time, he just hits the convict over the head with it]
MMonk
Don't move! There's a gun in here! Take my word for it.
?"Joe Endicott"
Adrian, wait! Who are you calling?
MMonk
Who do you think?
?"Joe Endicott"
No, wait! You don't want to do that!
MMonk
I don't, huh?
?"Joe Endicott"
No, come on! Put the phone down, and-and the "gun"!
MMonk
Give me one good reason.
JMJack Monk, Jr.
I'M YOUR BROTHER!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.