TV show quotes
Adrian Monk, the detective? He's supposed to be the best.
The best of the best. Kind of like a superhero.
[Chuckles] He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.
[Monk enters, wearing his purple jogging suit and headband, and stands with his fists on his hips]
I guess I stand corrected.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive to question Frankie Marino, head of the Marino crime family]
We're looking for Charles Bach.
Bach?
The Iceman? He's been on your payroll for ten years?
Are you wearing a wire, Lieutenant?
No. [To prove that he isn't, he opens his shirt and jacket, then drops his pants]
[To Stottlemeyer] What about you?
Nope.
Okay, let's talk.
Why did I just get undressed?
I don't know, Randy, everyone in this room is wondering the same thing.
[Monk decides to go on welfare]
Monk, you're not going on welfare. If you go on welfare, I will shoot you.
Good. I'll get more money, won't I?
[The police have just arrested Daniel MacGraw for attempted murder to protect his collection of stolen art]
They're authentic. One was stolen nine years ago from a gallery in Madrid, and two are from a museum in Venice.
He was worried that someone would see the artwork on TV and recognize it. But he knew that if Ray Regis were dead, they would never run the ad.
So he hired that terrible, terrible man.
[Daniel MacGraw is led past them in handcuffs]
Hey, nice collection, Daniel! Too bad none of it's yours!
You should have just kept it all in your basement.
It's fine art, Lieutenant. It's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
[Sarcastically] In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.
It's a tough racket. I've done a little boxing myself. Light Middleweight.
When did you box?
Remember the benefit for the Police Athlete League? Took Sergeant Mulroney in nine rounds. TKO left uppercut.
Stan Mulroney? He retired 12 years ago. We called him "Pops."
Yeah, that's right. He was older than me. He was experienced. Wiley.
He had a cane.
And he used it.
Nobody's shaking hands, everybody's saluting! Maybe I should enlist.
No, Mr. Monk, please don't enlist! Don't even joke about it!
Why not?
Because I love America!
[Climbing into the submarine for the first time] I'm pretty sure he killed himself.
How do you know?
I've been on board for fifteen seconds and I'm suicidal.
[Monk and Natalie are trapped in the ballast tank while Commander Whitaker attempts to drown them with a series of continuous dives]
Oh, God! Ocean in my shoes! I've got ocean in my shoes. The Pacific Ocean! Dr. Bell!
Mr. Monk, it's not going to do us any good if we both panic!
You're right, let's take it in turns. I'll go first... Oh, God! Natalie!
What?!
I've got ocean... in my pants! [The camera pans down to show that the water has gotten to just above Monk's ankles]
Mr. Monk, I've been on these boats. These boats are so big, they don't even feel like boats. They're like islands. You've been on islands before, right? You like islands. It's like Hawaii. Think of it like that: We're going to Hawaii.
I believe you are the Devil.
[Monk confronts Whitaker and accuses him of killing Jason Pierce to protect his reputation]
Lieutenant Commander Pierce's death was a suicide. I'll tell you how I know: because I said it was! When I'm on land, I am a decorated officer of the United States Navy. When I'm on here, I am the lord, THY GOD! I am Jehovah. [Getting practically in Monk's face] Do you understand me? No one questions me! Now I've asked around, I know all about your problems, your fears, your claustrophobia. You are having a breakdown, sir. It happens on submarine all the time, to men far better than you. You are delusional.
I have my share of problems, I admit it. But when I'm on this case, I'm not delusional. [To an imaginary Dr. Bell] Tell him. [Whitaker eyes Monk like what he said about Monk having a breakdown has just been proven true] Does that sound delusional to you?
Here's what we know: we're looking for a woman whose initials are LZ, maybe she's a dancer, she likes to travel or works with people who travel, and she was born between July 23rd and July 31st.
[Shaking his head] I can't think of anyone...
I thought maybe we'd use the computer for this one, Randy.
[Comes to Leyla's apartment with a search warrant, and upon entering, he notices that Monk is wearing only a bathrobe] Here's something I never thought I'd say out loud: Where are your pants?
[Monk and Leyla Zlatavich are at a Zemenian restaurant with hibachi type tables. As the man prepares their dinner in spectacular fashion, he catches a bit of it in his hat]
I didn't know there was a recipe with the word "hat" in it.
[Visiting a refugee center, Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher find Leyla Zlatavich]
She's beautiful.
Yeah, like the Mona Lisa. Only hotter.
Only hotter? You are going to get struck by lightning.
[About Monk] Uh, yeah, he has some idiosyncrasies...
Like what?
Uh, fear of heights, fear of germs, spiders, milk...
[Ticking off on her fingers] ...crowds, elevators, fire...
Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...
Boats...
Decaffinated coffee...
Lightning...
The wind, he's afraid of the wind.
Egg whites.
Bad.
Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
