[while pretending to be a convict, Monk tapes a picture of Trudy to his cell wall]
SRSpyder Rudner
Is that your old lady?
Yes.
SRSpyder Rudner
Is she waiting for you?
Yes, she is.
S2 E16Mr. Monk Goes to Jail
SRSpyder Rudner
All right, Adolf, let him go!
LLody
It's not about you, Spyder!
SRSpyder Rudner
The guy's a friend of mine.
LLody
He's a cop!
SRSpyder Rudner
Yeah, so I've heard. Let him go.
LLody
You'd side with a cop over us?
SRSpyder Rudner
I'd side with a cucaracha over you.
S3 E1Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan
[The federal authorities are refusing access to Warrick Tennyson]
How long does he have?
WCCaptain Walter Cage
Two, three days. He's being deposed in connection with that federal racketeering case, and they're afraid they're gonna lose him before they get what they need. They're not letting anybody else near him.
You gave me your word.
WCCaptain Walter Cage
Come on, I didn't lie to you! If we close the ambassador case...
Look, I don't care about the frigging ambassador! He means less than zero to me, okay? My friend's wife got blown up! You understand? And it killed him, too! In a way. [silence]
WCCaptain Walter Cage
If we close this case, we can call the press, we can call City Hall, we're gonna have juice. Come on, you know how this works! They won't dare say no to us. Captain, it's not just your best shot. It's your only shot.
[Monk accidentally gets pushed onto a departing subway train]
Sir, sir! You've got to stop that train, he's all alone-!
SCSubway Cop
All right, ma'am, just calm down. It happens all the time. [lifts his radio] What's his name?
Adrian Monk.
SCSubway Cop
And how old is he?
He's forty-five.
You... it was you. You filthy, disgusting animal! YOU MAKE ME SICK!
[confused, everyone turns to look]
BBusboy
Me?
What are you doing? He's a busboy!
Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you! Don't try to deny it-
Monk...
We saw what you did-!
Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?
[Monk and Sharona are in a diner where Monk wants to use his one pair of handcuffs to arrest someone who urinated in public earlier.]
That man took a whizz in the subway. That man [gestures to Steven Leight] killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest? [Monk thinks it over]
[hesitantly] The murderer.
WTWarrick Tennyson
You were the husband?
I am the husband.
WTWarrick Tennyson
Forgive me.
Forgive you? This is me, turning off your morphine...
[Tennyson's eyes widen in horror]
...and this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.
[describing his "Rolex" to the others] I can tell you what time it is all around the world. It's 5:30 here; in Denver, 3:30; in California, 12:17; in Paris, France... time has stopped.
[Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher have lost track of Monk after getting out of their cab]
Where is he?
MCMasul the Cabbie
Who?
The guy in the front seat, where is he?
MCMasul the Cabbie
The nut?
Yeah, the nut! Where'd he go?
MCMasul the Cabbie
What is he complaining about? My taxi is very clean! Why is he wiping, wiping, wiping everything?
Sir, your taxi is perfect! But where did he go?
MCMasul the Cabbie
Look, I don't care! I never pick him up again! I see him again, I keep driving! I don't care if I lose my license! You tell him, I'll keep driving!
S3 E2Mr. Monk and the Panic Room
[Monk is patching up Benjy after he got into a fight at school.]
What's a wedgie?
It's when you pull a kid's underwear all the way out of his pants.
When I was a kid they called it something else.
What?
An "Adrian."
Uh-oh...
What?
The Band-Aid.
It's okay, it doesn't have to be perf- [Monk rips it off] OW!
Now Benjy, you're grounded! That means no TV, and no Playstation!
Mom!
Sharona, he was just sticking up for a friend.
Adrian, you stay out of this! You're not his father!
That's true, but I care about him as much as any father.
[He rips off the Band-Aid again.]
OW!
They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept because for you every room is a panic room.
Thank you.
If there's an intruder in the house, you run in there, you lock the door and wait for the cavalry.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Sharona's house]
I hate this.
Why don't you stay back, sir? I can handle this.
Oh, you can? Since when? [Sharona opens the door]
Hey.
Sharona, we need to talk.
About what?
I think you know. [They walk into the house, which looks like it has been hit by an earthquake] What happened here? Did you have a party?
It's Benjy. He never picks anything up.
Sharona, where's Darwin?
What are you talking about?
We're gonna find him. Is he here?
[Randy takes out his gun and begins going from room to room]
Hey, would you put that away?! This is my house!
He's killed before.
No he hasn't!
Sharona, we know that you took him. Now either you tell us where he is or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.
[walks back out of the living room, speaking into his walkie-talkie] Living room secure, heading to the kitchen.
Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm ten feet away.
Roger that.
[puts down the walkie-talkie and continues searching]
[notices some vomit on a wall, and a lot of crooked pictures] Hey, what happened here?
Benjy threw up.
[incredulously] On the wall?
It was pretty awful.
[heads into the kitchen, and opens the closet, which swings open to reveal a stuffed teddy bear] Monkey! Monkey! Monkey! False alarm! False alarm!
[Sharona grabs the teddy bear from Randy]
Sharona, you were seen. The animal shelter has a surveillance camera. It recorded your car's license plate number as you drove away.
[Dr. Kroger is at Monk's apartment because Sharona left Darwin loose with Monk.]
I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?
[high-pitched voice] I'm fine. These things happen, what can you do?
Exactly, exactly. These are all just material objects. You can always replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or... [sees] pees on.
Chews or pees on... Chews or pees on...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.