GPGranny Parlo
And--and it was raining.
Are you sure? It wasn't raining all last week.
GPGranny Parlo
Listen, missy. I think I know what rain feels like. And that's what I felt when they carried me from the van into the house.
S2 E13Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny
Okay, cool. It'll be the three of us. We can do good cop, bad cop, worse cop.
Randy, it's a two-man job. Just wait here.
Okay. I'll just wait here and--
Weep openly.
--do some paperwork.
While you weep openly.
[Monk is trying to get a man at a homeless shelter to have gravy, because everyone else is.]
Adrian, he doesn't want any gravy!
Let the man speak for himself.
MMan
I don't want any gravy!
[Monk approaches the homeless man that didn't want gravy]
Here, it is!
MMan
I told you, I didn't want any!
Didn't you just ask for gravy?
MMan
Are you serious?
Oh. Well, here it is.
MMan
I told you, I don't want it.
Okay, how about this. You have some gravy...
MMan
And?
That's it.
[an old woman, actually Randy wearing a wig and some makeup, walks up to Monk and Sharona at the homeless shelter's serving counter]
Oh my God!
[sees through the disguise] What are you supposed to be?
I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
What's that on your face?
Dirt.
[to Monk] Give the lady some gravy. [Monk does so]
Okay, we've got two short hours until this phone call. Are we ready?
PTPhone Technician
Well we're all set, Captain. We've got two tape recorders and we've got the phone company online for an immediate track and trace.
How long do we need?
PTPhone Technician
Well, if it's a landline, we've got 'em. If it's a cell phone...
Which it will be.
PTPhone Technician
...we'll need 45 seconds.
[Julie Parlo finds Stottlemeyer]
JPJulie Parlo
Excuse me, Captain Stottlemeyer?
JPJulie Parlo
Hi, I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the FBI? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know that in a kidnapping situation the FBI has jurisprudence.
That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines-
Or if she's been held for more than 24 hours. And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction." What kind of lawyer are you?
S2 E14Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife
[Stottlemeyer prepares to lead a raid on the transportation union's headquarters]
Captain! That was Monk!
[everyone freezes]
He said he solved the case.
He what?
He says it's not a union thing.
...Is he sure?
...He's Monk.
Did Adrian Monk just jump into a garbage truck?
S2 E15Mr. Monk Gets Married
Have you been drinking?
Yes, I have. I couldn't think of any other way to get all this Scotch into my body.
Adrian, you have to sit. This is a picnic.
I - I don't sit on the ground. Animals do things on the ground - terrible, terrible things.
We're never going to get away with this! They're never going to believe we're really married.
We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?
I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room.
Well, when you turn the light off you won't see it.
I wish you could hear yourself sometimes! You live in a dream world.
S2 E16Mr. Monk Goes to Jail
[Two officers discuss an inmate who will be executed soon]
WCWarden Christie
Where's Ray Kaspo?
GGuard
In the holding cell, having his last meal. Ribs and chili.
WCWarden Christie
Ribs and chili? That might kill him before we do.
It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.
DBDale "The Whale" Biederbeck
Well, why wouldn't it? After all, [indicates his stomach] I've been inside this prison all my life.
That's very poetic.
DBDale "The Whale" Biederbeck
Of course, it doesn't compare with the prison you built for yourself.
DBDale "The Whale" Biederbeck
I want to make you an offer...
Oh please, drop dead!
DBDale "The Whale" Biederbeck
Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you? [laughs]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.