TV show quotes
[Monk and Sharona are at the Stop 'n Go]
How 'bout a lottery ticket?
Oh no. You just had a big winner. I never buy a ticket unless the jackpot's more than 10 million dollars.
[pretending to laugh] Yeah, 10 million dollars. I don't know how they can even call that a jackpot.
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the scene of the store clerk's death]
When did it happen?
The M.E. is saying two and a half, three hours. He worked as the night manager at the Stop 'n Go on Ridgedale.
Oh my God, we were just there! That's where we bought the newspaper. [to Randy] Along with your letter in it to me.
It wasn't to you!
His shift ended at 4:00 AM, he came here to make the night deposit. He got jumped by the killer, stabbed twice: once in the neck, once in the stomach, with that bottle. [Monk looks at the remains of the bottle that Vicki Salinas used as the murder weapon]
No prints on the bottle?
Nothing yet.
Surveillance camera?
Negative. It's over by the ATM, facing the wrong way. It didn't see a thing. [Stottlemeyer turns to Monk]
Now what I can't get over, is that we haven't had a homicide in this neighborhood for over four years, all of a sudden we've got two: first your newspaper boy, killed for a newspaper, and now this robbery.
No, this was no robbery.
But the killer took the money.
The killer wants us to think robbery. But why wouldn't he do it in a more secluded spot? He could have killed him anywhere between here and the store.
Well maybe the killer just waited for him here by the bank.
No. No, the killer had to have followed the victim from the store. [points at the bottle] Cream soda bottle. You can't find that brand anywhere else.
Well how do you know the victim wasn't drinking it? He worked at the Stop 'n Go.
That's true. [Sharona examines the bottle]
It's a woman. There's lipstick on the bottle. [Monk and Stottlemeyer squat and see some lipstick towards the bottom of the bottle]
How did I miss that?
She's stronger and smarter than you.
[answers phone] Hello? No, I'm Sharona, his assistant. Who's this? Hold on, please. [to Monk] Adrian? You have a brother?
[Everyone looks up, surprised. Long pause.]
No.
[into phone] I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again.]
Wait, wait... I might have a brother.
You told me you were an only child.
I consider myself an only child. We're not close! He has issues.
[raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
Don't you people have work to do?! There's a dead woman over there!
[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Adrian]
What's that for?
For making my family seem normal.
[To search van Ranken's house, Adrian and Sharona make a surprise visit]
Hi, I'm Sharona Fleming and this is Adrian Monk.
[starts breathing heavier] Monk... from next door?
No, I'm his brother.
You almost gave me a heart attack! That guy hasn't left the house in, what, twenty years?
Thirty-two...
My wife knows him. Isn't he... scared of stuff?
Yes... he's scared of stuff. Stuff... and things.
Ambrose, come with us.
Outside? Oh no, I can't.
You're just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?
That's my plan, yes.
[Adrian believes that the incriminating shell casing they are looking for is in van Ranken's pie]
Mr. Van Ranken, we would like permission to search your pie.
What?
Please, don't make me say it again.
And if I refuse?
Then we'll get a search warrant.
For a pie?
[Adrian introduces Sharona to Ambrose]
This is my assistant, Sharona.
Hello, we spoke on the phone.
Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.
I wasn't paralyzed.
I was being sarcastic.
You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.
He [van Ranken] was at the park all last night.
Maybe to bury something.
Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.
How do you know that?
It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?
Um...
The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...
Wow.
Which are found...
Um...
Near water...
Wow.
Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.
Wow!
Please stop staying "wow."
This detective stuff is easy.
Looks like you got a new partner.
Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.
[Adrian and Sharona spy on van Ranken, rooting through the cherry pie]
He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!
Why?
Well, obviously, he... [he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken] You see, Sharona, what happened was... [he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner] I have no idea.
[while sitting down to play bingo, a bingo addict carrying a troll doll turns to Adrian]
Do you want to rub my lucky troll? It's good luck.
Uh, no, thank you.
Go ahead. Rub the troll.
No thank you. Uh, I've been rubbing trolls all day.
If you don't rub the troll, it's bad karma.
[Adrian finally resorts to rubbing the troll aggressively with his shirt sleeve]
[Monk tries to recreate the murder of Susan Malloy, and has Sharona play the victim]
I think you enjoy shooting and stabbing me.
No, I don't enjoy it. But it's my job.
[Monk solves the case]
Oh, my God. I think I know what happened here. Sharona, you're not going to like this. Just-just try to keep an open mind, hear me out...
[sadly] He did it, didn't he?
[Stottlemeyer and Monk are interrogating Ron Abrash, a suspect in a kidnapping.]
You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
What have you been smokin', man?
I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!
What, are you guys playing? "Good cop, crazy cop?"
So you're denying any involvement in the kidnapping of Mrs. Parlo?
Of course I deny it! Demanding free turkey dinners? That's insane. Besides, I'm a vegan.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
