This is all wrong, this. I wanted me ET ending.
At least we got some BMXs out of it. I always wanted a BMX. I just remembered that! I just remembered something. That's a clue. To what? To my true identity. Okay, think... BMX.
No, I'm still on ET, love, I'm sorry.
Hello? Is he okay? Jesus, um... I don't know his family. I know he's a barman. Yeah... I'm on my way. OK. Bye. [Hangs up]That was the hospital. It's Alex. He's got a punctured lung, they're giving him...
[Rides BMX into wall] Ah! They're giving him a lung transplant.
Shit! I'll tell you now, you don't wanna be getting a transplant round here.
Well, Curtis told me about this girl he was seeing this one time, right, and she had an heart transplant. She only ended up getting herself a teleportation power. And then she ended up getting killed by a guy who controlled cheese.
I'm sure Alex the sexy barman is gonna be fine.
What's the chance of it happening again, really?
[Scouts in the community center] Whoa! Scouts, dude! Yes! You're Scouts! These were the happiest, and proudest days of my life. Look at them!
You were in the Scouts? That should never have been allowed.
I swore. I swore a solemn oath to, you know obey the Scout Law, to to do me best, to do my duty to God and her lovely majestic majesty, the Queen. I lived by a code like a Samurai warrior.
Yeah, that's you all over.
And then they cast me out.
And why were you cast out?
I don't want to talk about it. I will say this. A Scout is meant to walk an impossible line between his love of scouting and his raging hormones in the first flushes of sexual adventure. [A uniformed girl scout walks by] There are girls! You're a girl? Oh, shit! That is an unnatural abomination. That is not how Baden Powell intended it. Take that uniform off, you look like a dick! Shit. [Looks down] Is he still staring? He's really staring.
Look at 'em. Scouts... Scouts is a time for boys to be boys. You know, the... the first time I masturbated. Scouts. The first time I ever saw another boy's penis. Scouts. First time I touched another boy's penis. Scouts. First time another boy touched my penis.
It was in Scouts! It was in Scou... happy, sunlit days is what they were. [Referring to a female scout] Oh, my God. Look at this tramp.
[Jess is pulling out and Rudy slams against passenger side] Stop! [Points to lock] You gonna do that? [Walks to vehicle rear] Fucks sake. [Opens trunk door] Ah. Buzzing. [Climbs in] Listen, what are you doing? Ooh. What you doing right now? [Climbs into front seat]
[Laughs] Sorry. I disgust myself when I'm nervous. Fuck, it's small in here. What I meant to say was, would you mind giving me a lift to my dad's harlot's flat, please?
Because Finn doesn't have any respect for the institution of marriage, it would appear. And he doesn't have a car. So... wagons roll!
[Checks hair in sun visor mirror] Right. How's that?
You're not going on a date with her.
Well, actually, yes, she is going on a date. She's going on a date with destiny. No one fucks with my family. No one fucks members of my family. Apart from other members of my family.
[Sees him walking] Your dad's here.
[Leaps into back seat] Shit! Right, start the engine! This was a terrible idea! You never should have made me come here. You're a fool!
This is a perfect opportunity for you to talk to both of them without your mum being around. You should confront him.
Will you come with me, please?
Oh, well, what a selfish cunt.
No. Not at all. I can't do this. I can't do it on my own. I'm not... I'm not mature enough. You know what? I might have a big, lush pubic bush, but that does not maketh me a man. I'm a child. I'm masquerading in a man's body back here.
All right. Just stop talking about your lush pubic bush. I'll come with you.
I use a volumising conditioner, in case you're wondering.
[Jess rings doorbell] No, no! What are you doing?! I'm mentally preparing myself, you fool!
Bonjour. I am French and I am selling... la cheese.
TTina
You're selling cheese?
No, it is, um... how would you say? La fromage avec le milk... of la monkey francais.
TTina
Fuck off. [Closes door] Shit.
You're selling... monkey cheese?
So, no, no, no. I fucking panicked, didn't I? It was the first thing that sprung to mind. Shit!
Well, you think of summat, then!
Oh, well, really?! Really? That's original, isn't it? She already has it. She has double glazing. So, that's no sale.
[Reaches for doorbell] D'you want to try again?
No, I don't! Don't! Try again?! Christ! I can't tell her I'm not a French monkey-cheese salesman! I'm gonna look fucking ridiculous, aren't I? Right, and we wouldn't want that, would we? I'm not that guy, am I?
What guy? A French monkey-cheese salesman?
No, not a frigging French monkey-cheese.
The guy who does good noble shit and saves his... saves his parents' marriage. Well, you... you might be that guy. Maybe you just need a bit of practice. [They hear Tina within apartment]
TTina
I can't do this any more! [They look in front door but cannot see her so they do round back, peering in back door from a fence]
DGDark Geoff
[Abusing Tina] I told you. I told you what I'd do if you ever tried to leave me.
TTina
Geoff, please, don't!
DGDark Geoff
I will find you and I will hurt you.
DGDark Geoff
Why do you do this? You make me like this. You're playing games with me. You think you can play games? Try it. Clean yourself up. You're fucking disgusting.
[Knocks on parent's door and lunges with fist as mother answers] Fuck you!
[Rudy jumps back] Oh! Mum!
What the hell are you doing?!
Oh. [Chuckles] Classic. Your face, then. Ah.
You scared the shit out of me.
[Walking in hallway] I thought you'd gone mental again.
What do you mean, mental again?
I thought you were at work.
[Leading Rudy to kitchen] Yeah, I've got the day off. Fancied doing the garden.
[Cutting up a banana in kitchen] All right, son?
How's the rowing? I thought you were in Spain, at that training camp?
Yes, I was in Spain at the training camp. Do you know what, though? They said there was nothing more they could teach me, so I just rowed home.
No, bloody hell, don't be ridiculous. Like, I dunno, two thirds of the way.
Do you want to stay for tea, son?
I'm not hungry. So, how are you, Dad?
Oh, you know, keeping busy.
Oh, busy? Been busy? Busy doing what, exactly? What exactly are you busy doing, Dad?
Dad, I'm all right. I'm all right. Yeah, I'm all right. The question is, really, are you? Are you all right, Dad?
Yeah. Are you? I'm fine, aye.
There's something I have to tell you, Mum, and it's killing me, all right?
I'm sorry. Oh, fuck off! You know! Don't make me say it, when you know!
[Waves knife at Rudy] You're gay, aren't you?
It's okay. We've always suspected it.
Well, there was all that trouble with the Boy Scouts.
Fucking hell! That was an experimental stage, weren't it? No one judged Isaac Newton when he were friggin' wanking on apples, did they? [Picks up an apple]
Yeah, well, apples aren't the same as 12-year-old boys.
Yeah, maybe not to you, Mum. And maybe that's why you never discovered the fucking... the laws of gravity.
Well, you know, you never had a girlfriend, so we assumed...
That I was a big gay. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've had loads of birds. I'm disgusting, I'll do anything. I've... I've got a reputation as a total slag. Mum, I am quite the slut.
How come we've not met any of them, then?
Because, I am, erm... fuck it! I'm embarrassed of you both! Look at you both! Look at you right now! You are an embarrassment! I'm ashamed! Deep shame for the pair of you! [Takes and eats a banana piece]
Oh, thanks for those kind words. [They both laugh]
It's okay. We love you, just how you are. Look at you. You're so handsome. [Rubs back of Rudy's head] Get your good looks from his dad, doesn't he?
Oh, you smooth talker, you.
[Eating dinner in dining room] Could I have some more mint sauce, please, Mum?
Well, you can never have enough mint sauce, really, can you, with lamb? Cheers... thanks, Mum. Cheers. [Pat leaves] What the frigging hell are you doing here?
DGDark Geoff
Me and your dad had an agreement. We agreed to stay away from each other. And then someone who looks like me walks into the bank and clears my bank account. He broke the agreement. And now I'm breaking it, too.
What fucking agreem...? [Pat returns] Oh, here she is. Do you know... do you know what I'd really like with this, right now? It's gonna freak you out. Horseradish sauce.
I know! Please. Yes, please. It'd be awesome, cheers. It'd be nice, it'd be just... just... that's all. I'm just thinking, just to take the edge off the mint. You know what I mean? Cheers, Mum.
Oh. [Pat leaves, to Dark Geoff] Get out now, dickhead. I'm not going anywhere. Fuck. I'm very comfortable in the bosom of my family.
DGDark Geoff
It isn't your family! Get the fuck out of my bosom, dickhead.
[Pat returns] Oh, here she is. Ooh, give me that, give me that. Mm. Oh, yeah.
Mustard? You won't be able to taste your food.
Yeah, well, good! 'Cause it's disgusting! It disgusts me!
Please, can I just have a little bit of mustard, please? Sorry, Mum. Cheers, Mum. Thank you. [Pat leaves, to Dark Geoff] You have got exactly three seconds to get out of this house, or I swear to God I will not be held responsible for my actions, boyo. One. Fucking two. Two and... and a half. Two and three quarters. Three. Dick. Don't you fucking touch my mum. Seriously. Don't you fucking touch my mum.
DGDark Geoff
Oh, I'm gonna touch her. I am gonna fuck her brains out. And then I'm gonna take that pathetic excuse for a man she calls a husband and I'm gonna cave his fucking skull in.
My dad? What have you done with my dad?
DGDark Geoff
I am your dad. If you say anything to your mum, I'll hurt her. I'll really hurt her.
[In abandoned market stalls] Would you stop sniffing that scarf?
There's something about the smell of her. I keep asking girls in the bar if it's theirs, and none of them are her. She's like Cinderella.
This Cinderella, did you shag her?
Cinderella, like in the fairy tale. Pumpkin. Fairy godmother. She had a glass slipper.
[Hits her vehicle with purse] Fucking start, you piece of shit!
You're the monkey-cheese guy! Why are you looking at me like that?
Because you know my dad, don't you?
[Sitting on bench] He split in two? There's two of him?
You got the shitty end of the stick, mate. Well, the shitty end of the dad.
Mm. I found your scarf in the toilets.
Thank you. I thought I'd lost that. Thanks.
How do you smell so nice?
Perfume? Regular showering?
It's okay. I'm not going to drug you and take you to my basement and rape you with a massive strap-on. I live in a flat, and it doesn't have a basement.
I'm not being funny, but you're really strange.
Mm. It's 'cause I don't know who I am.
What do you mean, you don't know who you are?
Well, I lost my memory in that weird freak storm. I've tried to find out who I am, but no-one's looking for me.
I'm Abby, and you are the nicest-smelling person in the world.
[At urinal] Can you smell that, man? That smells like a brand-new day, that does.
It smells disgusting. What have you been eating?
It smells like Dad, our dad, our real dad, isn't a murderous woman-beater. It smells like he uses his fists for better things. Things like, erm... I can't really think of anything good a fist is used for.
There is that certain section of the, er... lesbian community that seem to enjoy it.
You got to admire their fortitude, really, haven't you? Full fist. Oh, mate, it smells like possibilities. It smells like one of Mum's roast dinners.
I'm gonna go with lamb. Baa!
