[At door of Nadine's convent] Um... Please, let me see her. I just wanna talk to her.
She doesn't want to see you.
I wanna talk to her. I just wanna see her, that's all.
You have to go. Go. [Attempts to close door with Rudy's foot obstructing]
Nadine! That is my foot! You're being a really mean nun. You are a very mean nun. You... are a dick! Fucking nasty bastards! Shit! Oh, fuck. [Sees Nadine in a glass sunroom and runs to her] Nadine! [Two nuns manhandle her away] No, no...! Oi! No, no! Where are you taking her?! Fucking nuns are full of shit! Nadine, I'm coming for you. Nadine! You can't stop us being together, you know. I'm gonna c... Fuck.
[On rooftop] They're evil bitch nuns, is what they are. Eh? They're holding Nadine hostage because they're jealous of our love. It's like, if they can't have Rudy, no-one can. Eh?
Are you sure that's her motivation?
It's... It's a deficit of drugs and reality bloody TV. [Finn enters] Their sexual frustration, right, has caused them to become so bitter and twisted... They're [Finn sits] consumed by bloody hatred and jealousy. I mean, look at him. I'm more than capable of satisfying me own needs, thank you very much.
That what you were just doing in the toilets?
I mean, what are we talking about?
Nadine! We need to break Nadine out of the convent, and the emphasis here is on "we", right? We, we, we. You need to help me. Who's gonna help me? Come on! Oh, I see. Is that how it is? Unbe-friggin'-lievable. The number of times I've helped you two out. And you, man. What about when you... the time you were so damn pissed, you shat in your own bed, and who offered to swap with you? Me.
That was you. You shat in your own bed and then offered to swap with me.
Yeah, and why did I do that?
Because you didn't wanna sleep in your own shit.
That's incorrect. It's because that's what friends do, innit? It's... It's all for one and one for all, and a nun.
[Community servers hiding behind a corner spying on the convent entrance]
Hmm? I don't have... I've... I've no idea. I'm sorry, I've not thought of yet.
Do you ever think we suffer from a complete lack of ambition and imagination?
I guess that's why we live in an age of chronically high youth unemployment.
Shut up, man. I'm not a youth, am I? Unless you're a ticket inspector on the bus, then I'm 15.
So that little exchange got us a whole lot closer into figuring out how to bust in to a convent full of evil bitch nuns, hmm.
You could use the special powers you got after being struck by that random freak storm. [Rudy and Finn turn and stare at Abbey condescended] It's just a thought.
You know, we really should use them more often. Hmm. [Outstretches hands and successfully unlocks convent front doors]
You've got blood coming out of your ears.
[Opens door to Jess holding a beer bottle] I- I- I thought you were on your community service.
We all ditched it because we had to rescue Rudy's nun. Some other evil bitch nuns were holding her prisoner. [Referring to beer] You got another one of those?
[From bedroom] Alex. [Jess walks past Alex]
I thought I was his girlfriend.
I'm... I'm sorry. [Reaches for her hand]
Don't fucking touch me! [Shoves, walks past and slaps Alex]
You've got a girlfriend?! Yeah, you're so full of shit!
[Sitting on couch in Finn's community centre room] You need a new TV.
Yeah, I'm aware of that. [Abbey grabs his crotch and he coughs on his beer]
That's my incredibly subtle way of asking you if you want to fuck me.
Do I wanna fuck you? Well... Hmm. Well, that's a very interesting question, with... many possible answers. Well, two answers.
Do you need some time to think about your feelings for Jess?
Who said I had feelings for Jess? There's... There's no feelings. Not on her part. It's your call.
Let me know when you make your decision.
Are you saying you like me?
Hmm... I need to fuck you to find out. It's a process of elimination. And they said romance is dead. If you don't want to, that's cool.
That's not what I said, eh? Let's not be hasty... you, let's just... weigh up all the angles, you know, do a bit of geometry. Okay. Yeah, let's fuck.
Hmm-mm. You can start by rubbing my tit.
You choose. [Finn rubs her left breast] Mmm.
[After a session] So, am I the one?
Technically it really wasn't too bad. It's just for me, it was completely lacking in passion and emotion.
Yeah. It's always like that. But look on the bright side. At least you got to come in me, so that's a gooey silver lining.
Looks that way. [She grabs his hand and they shake hands]
Is there any paperwork I have to complete?
Why would there be any paperwork?
For such a little guy, you've weirdly weighty balls.
[Finn opens door to her] What's going on?
It's all right, we've finished shagging.
Shit! [Grabs jacket from under Abbey's head and runs after Jess in hallway] Jess, wait! Jess! It's not what you think! Right, it is. It... It's not how you think.
That doesn't even mean anything.
Like, the... the sex with Abby, that didn't mean anything. Nothing. It's like it didn't even happen.
No. Didn't do anything for me either.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm a lone wolf in the journey of self-discovery.
You're not a wolf. You're a slut.
I get it. You like him now he's shagging someone else.
[Comes in front door] Jess.
Oh, just fuck off. Stay away from me.
You can stay out of it. It's got nothing to do with you. Look, I- I screwed up, okay?
Seriously, get out my face.
[Shoves Alex] She wants you to leave!
I think they're gonna fight over you now, so that's all worked out.
Why don't you just fuck off?
Bring it, little man. [Finn provokingly jerks head forward, Nadine walks in, Finn shoves Alex who punches Finn in face knocking flat]
Don't you fucking touch him! [Slaps Alex] Dick!
You should just choose which one you want to be with.
Fuck off, you stupid, weird cunt!
[Appears] Guys! [Claps hands and laughs] Yes! Hey! We've just made sweet, beautiful love! Now we're going for a pizza. Ham and pineapple. Can't believe they're putting fruit on pizzas now, man. It's... [fluid drips from Abbey's crotch] That's your sperm, so that's awkward. [Light flickers]
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
When I see people being cruel and violent, that's when they come.
So the nuns aren't evil bitches, they're just trying to protect us from your power?
I've head-butted an innocent nun now, haven't I?
This is why we can never be together. It's not safe for me to leave the convent.
No, listen, sweetheart, listen, stop it. Stop it. Calm down. Don't say those things. We are gonna sort this out, we're gonna deal with the bollocksing Horsemen of the Apocalypse, we're gonna fix your power, then we are going on holiday, 'cause I friggin' love you, Nun Nadine.
[Comes in locker room to find Alex dying from being impaled by a harbringer] It's just a graze.
My bad. We need to get him to a hospital. I'm gutted we're all gonna die before I had the chance to find out what my story is.
I've had it up to here with you and your emotional honesty. Would it kill you just to sugar-coat it, just once?
I'm sure we're all gonna be fine. Maybe not him.
There is one way to make them disappear.
Right, well, that sounds good. How?
If she dies, they die. It's her power.
No, they're not right. They're fucking... You're wrong.
It's my fault. I brought them here.
No. No good. You're good and pure. D'you know what? I have exposed you to a world where people just shit all over each other, where they lie and they cheat... cowardly, selfish, violent, a world where fucking sperm dribbles out of vaginas and just splatters on the floor. You are a pure, white rose, you know that? In a sea of shit and piss. And I've defiled you and I've defiled your petals. I'm really friggin' sorry.
Moving speech, but where does that leave us and the situation of the Four Horsemen and the Apocalypse?
We go out there and we face them together.
Really? ls... Is that where we're at?
One for all, all for one, and a nun. My nun. My beautiful nun, who I love with all my heart, I swear.
You'd really do that? You'd all die for me?
Looks that way. So, who goes out there first? Someone's gotta be first out the door.
I'm gonna go and get the straws.
I'm really glad I met you.
What? [Nadine runs out locker room to four harbringers] Oh, no. No! [Harbringer plunges sword into Nadine] No! Nadine. Don't. No... Oh... [Four harbringers disappear and Rudy walks ahead sobbing] No. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Oh, no. I wanted an ET ending. [Sobs] Ohh... No... [sobs]
