Misfits · Season 1
She's lovely.
Yeah, she is. She's very lovely indeed, actually. She's...
Are you in love with her?
Whoa! No, shut up, Dad. No, I'm not in love with her. Listen to me, seriously. Jess is only here pretending to be my girlfriend so that you and Mum don't think I'm a gaylord.
Oh, right. Whatever you say. Huh.
Knob.
[Uses a fire extinguisher to bust open Abbey's locker and finds a pouch, dipping finger in to discover a powdery stubstance] Oh, hello.
[Appears with community servers] That's Abbey's locker.
Does this explain why that dewy-eyed my-little-fuckwit isn't turning up for her community service? She likes to rave, does she? She off her face in a field somewhere, dancing with the little bunny rabbits? [Hyperactively dances] Aceeed! A-a-a-aceeed! Aceeed! A-a...
[Raises index finger] It's sherbet.
[Walks up to community servers and sprays around powder, with Rudy coughing] Think of her as your child. This precious little life, those eyes... staring up at you. So full of love. Her mouth... puckered around your teat. I'm holding each and every one of you personally responsible for her. So when was the last time anyone actually saw Abbey?
[In locker room] All this time, I've been searching for something - a connection. All those random guys... and cocks and all they did was make me feel even more empty inside. But with Laura, it's different. She... makes me feel complete.
So, that's the big mystery solved, then. You're a lesbian.
Hi, I'm Abby, and I'm a lesbian.
[Points at her] Well done! [Abbey salutes Rudy]
[Greg walks up in hallway] Oh!
Are you and the big guy... are you still involved? Romantically?
No. We never were. Never were.
You shouldn't give yourself up so easily.
Okay! Er...
[Breaks off a Kit Kat bar stick and offers it to Finn] What do you say?
Thank you. [Takes stick and eats it]
[Making out with Abbey and sees boyfriend walking down] Shit!
Who's he?
Boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend.
Does he know about the ex bit?
Everything's happened so fast.
Where you been? Hm? Why aren't you answering your phone? Who's she?
Hiya. I'm Abby, the lesbian. I'm her new girlfriend. You've been dumped.
What the fuck is going on? Since when were you a lesbian?
I'm not. I've never felt this way about a girl before.
[To Laura] I love you. [To Rob] How weird is that? I love her.
[Grabs Laura by the wrist] You stupid bitch!
You're scaring me. [Abbey attacks Rob, knocking him to ground and punching him in the face repeatedly]
What the fuck?! [He runs away]
You hurt her and I'll fucking kill you!
[Lying in bed terrified with a demonic claw reaching up] Scary's here. He's under the bed.
[Lying in bed to Abbey] Scary's coming for me. Don't be scared. I won't let him hurt you, I promise.
Abby? Are you all right?
You must think I'm a total psycho. He was going to hurt you. You were scared. I had to protect you.
You made me feel safe. [Whispers] I liked it.
[Performing cunilingus on Laura] Scary's coming.
Huh? What?
[Brings head up] Scary's coming.
What? How d'you know about Scary?
I... I'm having these flashbacks. There's this girl and she's holding your cuddly toy monkey. I think it's you. Who's Scary?
When I was a little girl, that's the name that I gave to the Bogeyman.
There's another little girl. If I'm remembering it, it must be me, right? We must have been friends when we were little.
There's only one other person who knows about Scary.
Yeah, it's me. I'm her.
You can't be. She didn't exist. She was my imaginary friend.
What was her name? It was Abby, wasn't it?
What the fuck is going on?
Were you in that... weird, freaky, mysterious storm? Um... I thought I was a lesbian with acute memory loss, but I think I might be your imaginary friend brought to life.
Er. You should probably stop going down on me.
Yeah, yeah, right.
I found out who I am. Guess what. I'm imaginary. [Rudy reaches over and feels Abbey's right breast]
[On toilet with original next stall] What? So you find out she's imaginary and you squeeze her breast?
Look, it just seemed like the only logical thing to do given the circumstances. I'm a creature of instinct, aren't I?
What? So if in doubt, squeeze breast. Abby is confused and upset. And what's Jess supposed to think? Dude, you're touching up girls right in front of her.
Shut up! Why would I? Why would I care what Jess thinks? 'Cause I fucking... I don't. I do not care, not even a little bit, so just... shush!
Why can't you just admit you like her?
For the love of God, can a ridiculously handsome man not do anything in peace? Eh?
[Rudy Two walks over to Abbey lounging on rooftop with milk crate and sits] Hiya.
If you've come to feel my tit, I'm not really in the mood.
No, no, no, it's not... I'm... I'm the other one. I'm Rudy 2. Look. It's just that I remember when I was first created, you know, you have all these questions spinning round your head. You know, what's my place in the world? Am I a person in my own right? Will I ever find... true love, sort of thing?
And what did you do?
Rudy One told me to stop being such a vagina. Only he didn't say "vagina". I bottled everything up... and I thought I could fix it with... anxiety medication and sleeping pills and stuff. But then we found somewhere I could go and... [show her flyer] it's like a support group, you know, for people like us, me and you. People with powers, you know. And nobody judges you. We all just sit and listen, so... you can't tell Rudy One where I am, he thinks I'm doing the laundry. I do the service wash. But you should come. Or definitely think about it, you know.
You're nice.
Oh. [Pats her knee and walks away]
[Community servers are scraping off flypostings on a wall]
What's up with you?
I think the probation worker fancies me.
Oh, for God's sake, Finn, you monkey-faced prick, does he heck!
I'm serious. I... I think he's in love with me. You should see the way he looks at me with his... with his hungry eyes.
Was he looking at you like this? 'Cause this is me thinking that you're a little twat.
Am I? Well, he gave me a finger of his KitKat.
Oh, dear God!
Just snapped it off.
Finn, it's the oldest trick in the book, you douche.
You don't underst...
Come on. Really? You just... You take the finger of the KitKat, you insert it up your anus, you give it to the unsuspecting victim, that's good times. It was a more innocent time, I'll have you know, when children were allowed to be bloody children. Thank you very much, judgy.
I smelt it. And either the probation worker's arse smells of chocolate, or... it hadn't been anywhere near his arse.
So what did you do with it?
Ate it.
Oh, God!
Fuck me!
[Rob answers front door] Ex-boyfriend, what are you doing here?
Laura asked me to come round. She don't wanna see you, all right? Just go.
But she can't not see me. She created me.
I know who you are. She told me everything. Stay away from her.
[Keeps door open with foot] What are you gonna do about that? [Rob shoves her and closes door] Laura...! You can't do this. I brought you a swingball. I love swingball. Laura! [Laura goes to bathroom and notices a figure behind shower curtain and swipes it aside] Hi.
What are you doing?
I climbed in through the window. I was gonna wait until you had your wee. If it's a shit, I'll wait outside.
No, it's just a wee.
Why don't you wanna see me?
You're not real.
I am fucking real.
It's too weird.
[Takes scissors and cuts her arm] See? I'm as real as you are.
[Knocks on bathroom door] Laura, who are you talking to?
You're crazy.
I'm how you made me. You wanted me.
Laura, open the door.
I don't want you here.
You made me.
[Shouts] Laura!
Just go... Go!
If I don't have you, I don't have anybody. Please... [Rob forces way into washroom and grabs Abbey against wall]
Rob! No! Fuck off! [Pulls arm back and notices scissor slash] You cut me. You stay away from me.
[Appears in locker room] Hi.
Have you been drinking? Is that allowed?
It's the magic hour. I am no longer your probation worker. You are no longer on community service. [Walks to Finn with him walking backwards] We're just two people. With hopes. And dreams. [Starts singing The Power of Love (Frankie Goes to Hollywood song)]
[Greg following him in hallway] You've got it all wrong. I look gay. But I'm not.
Some would say dangerously boyish.
We are not lovers! There is no entwined, divine, divine!
[Follows Finn up stairs] Love is losing your job and your pension. Think. Think about that. [Pops open a shirt button]
What?
[Backs Finn against a wall] I am so full of love. I won't hide it any more. I can't. It's seeping out of me. [Leans into Finn] Out of my pores. It's... it's beautiful. It's pure. Smell my love.
Fuck off! [Uses power to send Greg flying over railing of upper floor in atrium, looks over] Are you okay? [Calls phone] Jess? It's me. I'm at the Community Centre. And there's a situation. So we're gonna need your car to move the situation. Call me.
[Walks in with Alex outstretched hand to Greg's body] What the...?! Finlay, what the fuck?! What've you done?! [Outstretches hands in dismay]
Nothing.
Did you kill the probation worker?!
No. And yes. It was self-defence. I told you he fancied me, but did yous listen? No! [Points] This is all on you!
What?!
No, it isn't!
Some of it's on you!
Not really.
A little bit!
No.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Misfits pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
