Kelly Bailey quotes from Misfits

Seth

Stay with me. I faked it. I didn't put the power in Curtis. I've still got it. Get the phone.

Kelly

What phone?

Seth

Hitler. Get the phone. [Seth kisses Kelly transferring his power]

Kelly

[Seth slumps down lifeless] No! You're not allowed to die! [Kelly sees flashes of alternate history being undone]

Seth

So me and you fought the Nazis and I died? They shot you. In this... alternative version of history... me and you, did we...?

Kelly

Did we shag? No. You kissed me when you gave me the power.

Seth

Did I? And how was that?

Kelly

It was all right. So I want this bullshit rewind power out of me. I am done fucking with history. You have to promise me you won't let anyone else have it. Promise, yeah?

Seth

I don't wanna die, so... I'll put it in me pet iguana for safekeeping.

Kelly

I never had you down as someone who'd have a pet lizard.

Seth

Yeah, well, there's a lot you don't know about me. I know that you're not the person you make out to be.

Kelly

You act like you don't give a shit about anyone. That's rubbish.

Seth

So what d'you want instead?

Kelly

I kind of liked being a fuckin' rocket scientist.

Shaun

[Getting a pop can from vending machine and stops to see Kelly in hallway] What the fuck are you looking at?

Kelly

Nothin'.

Alisha

[Appears with other community servers] Where have you been?

Kelly

Just been fighting the fuckin' Nazis and kicking the shit out of Hitler. [Walks away]

Simon

It's like a zombie film.

Rudy

Never watched one, mate. I'm more of an E.T. man, me. I fucking love that little cunt- [Curtis covers his mouth]

Curtis

How do you mean, it's like a zombie film?

Simon

Anyone who was brought back to life, it's like they need to feed. It's infectious. If you get bitten, you become one of them.

Kelly

Hang on a minute. He brought Shannon back from the dead. Are you saying she's a zombie?

Simon

Who's Shannon? [Kelly runs away] Wait, Kelly! [Cat hisses] What are we gonna do with this frigging cat?!

Kelly

[Pounds on Seth's apartment door and Seth answers] Where is she?!

Seth

Kelly, don't do this!

Kelly

She's a fucking zombie!

Seth

What?! What are you talking about?

Kelly

When you bring people back from the dead, they turn into a zombie! We just had to kill some old woman, a cat ate her face! Curtis brought her cat back from the dead. It went zombie!

Who's she?

Kelly

I was his girlfriend until he dug you up!

Seth

Look, it's not like you think.

What's she talking about?

Seth

It's nothing.

Kelly

You're a zombie!

I'm a what?!

Kelly

You have to kill her before she bites you.

Seth

Right, get out. [Pushes Kelly out door]

Kelly

You've got to kill her! She's gonna bite... She's a fucking zombie!

Seth

You stay away from her!

Kelly

She's a zombie and she's going to kill you, Seth! [Goes in apartment and closes door with Kelly pounding on it] Open the fucking door!

Seth

We only got together when I thought I couldn't bring you back.

Just stay away from me!

Curtis

It's the only way he'd take my power. I couldn't have a baby. How the fuck's that gonna work? I'm sorry, yeah? So, what happened when you went down there?

Kelly

He didn't believe me. He's just acting like nothing's wrong.

Curtis

What are you gonna do?

Kelly

I should let her eat the prick. He thinks I'm saying it cause I'm jealous. It's him that I'm pissed off with. I'm not some nasty, jealous little skank. I hate that. I'm gonna have to fucking kill her, aren't I?

Curtis

Do you want a hand with that?

Tony

[Appears in hallway to community servers sitting in wheelchairs with Rudy doing stationary wheelies besides a smashed vending machine] What are you doing?

Rudy

We are relaxing.

Tony

Haven't head office sent another probation worker to replace Sally?

Curtis

Yeah, they sent someone. Got stabbed to death by a coma girl who body-swapped with Kelly.

Kelly

[Shrugs] Shit happens.

Curtis

The one they sent to replace him, she got attacked by a zombie cheerleader. [Points to Rudy] He battered her to death with a baseball bat.

Rudy

Mmm. She had a shocker of a day.

Tony

What happened to the vending machine?

Rudy

Oh, that's a funny thing, that. I was carrying the fire extinguisher and I tripped and fell into it, repeatedly.

Rachel

[Laughs] I'm off my fucking tits!

Tony

Look at you. You're out of control. Completely immoral. You're feral.

Alisha

Right. [Clears throat and wheels forward] All we have ever done is defend ourselves from you and every other fucker that's tried to kill us. We've done our best, and if you've gota problem with that, then fuck you! Like you're so perfect?! Sort your own shit out. I think we've done all right, considering.

Rudy

I think we've done more than all right, love. [Points to hole in vending machine] Free chocolate.

Tony

I've got to find Sally.

Simon

[Runs into Tony in hallway ] You? [Grabs fire extinguisher and slams it on Tony's head]

Tony

Jesus! Will you... just stop hitting me!

Kelly

[Appears with Curtis with Rudy dry humping Rachel in atrium] So, you met the old probation worker, then?

Tony

Yeah, we've met.

Simon

What's going on?

Curtis

He's back too. Seems okay.

Kelly

Where've you been?

Simon

There was something I had to...

Rudy

[Rachel vomits] Whoa!

Simon

...do.

Rudy

Whoa, man, she's just been sick!

Simon

Has anyone seen Alisha?

Rudy

Poor thing, she's in a right mess. Shall I make her a cup of tea? Do ghosts even like tea? Do they? Ooh.

Curtis

Are you all right?

Rachel

You killed me. And then you turned me into a nasty little slut. Like you.

Kelly

There's nothing wrong with us, mate. You're the one with sick down your top.

Rachel

You're everything I always hated. [Holds up a boxcutter knife]

Rudy

Whoa! What are you doing?

Rachel

This is why I came back. Revenge.

Rudy

Listen, you don't mean that. Yeah? I thought we were all gonna be friends here, weren't we? Let's not do this. Eh? Just put it down... [Alisha appears who gets her throat slashed by Rachel who then disappears]

Curtis

I can bring her back. If that's what you want?

Kelly

She's dead. She wouldn't want to be a zombie.

Rudy

Don't. Don't do that.

Simon

This is where I go back. It all has to happen exactly like it happened.

Kelly

What are you talking about?

Simon

It was me. I was the guy in the mask.

Kelly

You're fucking serious?

Curtis

But... but you were there when... when he was there.

Simon

At the start, it was my future self. He died... and I became him. I'm going to need to get some new powers.

Kelly

[Mets future pirate man at bar] You all right? [At table with him] Can I tell you a secret? You know these powers? Well, I'm a fucking rocket scientist.

Me too! I mean, I've got a power. I got it off this guy from the estate. I'm gonna travel back in time.

Kelly

No way!

Seriously. I am done working in a call centre. I want excitement and adventures. I'm gonna travel back in time... and become a pirate.

Kelly

I've always wanted to shag a pirate.

[Walking with Kelly in alley and comes across Seth standing before them] What's this? What's going on?

Kelly

I was lying about shagging a pirate. Seriously. Who would fuck a pirate?!

They get laid all the time.

Seth

You know that power I sold you? Turns out I'm going to need it back.

You can't have it. I paid for it. [Attempts to walk away and turns to Simon]

Simon

I need that power.

Simon

So, you all set? In the past, I could touch Alisha. The power didn't work on me.

Seth

It was you.

Kelly

What was him?

Seth

The first power I ever sold was the immunity from other people's powers. You came to see me. I knew I recognized you. I sold it to you. And you gave me ten grand. Now, you need to come and see me after you go back.

Simon

I don't have ten grand.

Seth

I do.

Kelly

You're gonna give him ten grand?

Seth

Yeah, well, he's gonna give it me back, so... I guess it's a loan.

Kelly

Just go back and make Alisha fall in love with you all over again. Promise me, yeah?

Seth

I promise. I'll see you soon.

So he's got to go back in time, he's got to fall in love with Alisha... then she dies, and they're gonna be stuck doing it over and over again, for all eternity?

Kelly

I think it's dead romantic.

Is it, though?! I mean, what are we supposed to feel; happy or sad?

Curtis

It's a bit of both.

Right.

So... [sobs and laughs simulataneously] I'm not very good with your mixed emotions. I'm just going with happy.

We're never gonna see them again, are we?

What's the matter with you?

You really know how to bring a man down, don't you, eh?

Curtis

So, what do we do now?

Kelly

Keep our heads down, finish community service and live happily ever after.

Yeah, well, I love a happy ending.