TokiDr. Rockso?
[sitting by a full bathtub, going through withdrawals] Oh, Dr. Rockso not feelin' so good... Oh, give me some Christmas spirit in here!
Toki
[kneels by Rockso] For the records, Dr. Rockso I can'ts gets you drugs, thats would be enables you... But I loves you, even though you ams powerless.
[hugs Toki] R-R-Rockso l-loves you too, baby. [shoves Toki's head under the water] NOW YOU GET ME THOSE FUCKING DRUGS!! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!! YOU HEAR ME?! I'll fuckin- [faints]
[Murderface and Knubbler are sitting on the couch in a skit]
Looks like another wonderful, but lonely Christmas Eve with just you and me, right old pal?
MMurderface
Yup. Looks like the two of us, again.
[doorbell rings]
Oh I guess you know what that sound means...
MMurderface
Oh, the Christmas goose is finished getting microwaved?
[studio laughter]
Noooo. It means we have some guests!
[door opens and Dethklok's mothers enter the scene very drunk d espite Dethklok locking all the booze away.]
MMurderface
[aggravated] And they've been drinking! Yeah, uh take your time staggering in. Like this ain't live TV or anything.
Yes, who would have thought that Dethklok would have mothers? Ha ha...yes...
[doorbell rings]
MMurderface
I'll get it! Wouldn't it be great if it was more friendly guests?
opens the door to see Nathan Explosion, who punches Murderface in his face]
Why didn't you tell me that this thing was being sponsored by religion? That's not fucking cool dude. [enters]
[Murderface laughs nervously]
Hey watch the F-bombs all right? This...was written, this was written...
[doorbell rings; Dr. Rockso enters]
Oh-k-k-k-k-k-Rockso! Made his way onto the lot with the Christmas party baby!
Toki
[enraged] Oh Rockso, you fucking piece of shits! You stole the Christmas presents! I FUCKING KILLS YOU ROCKSO!!!
Out of my way, here it comes! [crashes her Rascal into a big wooden cross, crushing both her and Toki]
Toki
AAAAAH!! OW, MY LEG!!! AAAH! TOKI'S LEG!!! [screams and babbles in agony]
Dude, we need a doctor over here!
Dude, we need a fucking doctor over here!
Murderface, I think you grandma's, like, hurt or something, you should help her.
MMurderface
Can't you just let me enjoy this moment?
So, uh, I think we should,uh, be a little sensitive towards Skwisgaar, he's going through a lot, you know, uh... He's started searching for his biological father so... maybe we should show a little bit of affection towards him.
Toki
Ha ha! That's-that's gays...
Oh man, don't say "showing affection" and expect us to fucking react.
Okay, well guys listen, I mean think about it. Skwisgaar never had a father, alright?
Toki
So? My dads just died!
[flashback to the traumatic death of Toki's father under the ice]
[present]
Toki
.... [smiles] And I'm totally cools with it!
Guys, I'm saying he never even had-
MMuderface
My father's dead and I'm totally fine!
[flashback to baby Murderface witnessing his father's murder/suicide]
[present]
.... I love that my dad's dead.
Look, I got no relationship with my dad, other than I hate him, y'know?
[flashback to teenage Pickles ready to run away, his father looking at him hatefully]
CCalvert
Get out of here, you belong in a garbage can!
[Pickles glares and looks ready to cry]
[present]
Y'know I realized the other day that I don't even know his first name. And I'm proud, I'm proud to know that I don't know that.
All right, I get it, fine, you're all without fathers, all right-
I'm not... [smiles] I fucking love my dad.
[Flashback to Nathan and his father going fishing, racing go-carts, and playing Scrabble, enjoying each others company.]
My dad's fucking awesome.
Toki
I don't wants to sounds insensitives, but I means, if Skwisgaar doesn't gets his craps togethers I may really has a shots at beings the leads guitarist! Mes, Tokis! Finallys ams no mores in the shadows! What do you thinks about that, Pickle?
Toki, don't you think it's a little early to start jumping to conclusions?
Toki
.... [angrily] Jumps to conclusions?! Whats the fucks is thats supposed to means, huh?!
[Toki grabs Pickles by the shirt and shakes him]
Toki
You listens to me, when I's becomes lead guitarists things whats has gots to change arounds here!
Fine, fine! Just let go of me, you're squeezing my nipples off!
Toki
I'm sorry!
Don't get physical with people!
Toki
Guys I'm nervous. I don'ts even knows how to go abouts this findings a lady business.
Oh Toki, that is cute. That's precious.
You need some datin' advice from your pals.
Toki
Oh thats would be very helpful Pickle.
Okay, well, heres what you do to meet a lady, alright? You get your tour manager to find you some chick and when he brings her backstage you pull out your dick!
Ja, you pulls out your dicks!
Toki
Pulls out your-? Guys, I'm talkings abouts real dates here.
How is that not a real date?
Yeah, how is that not a real date Toki?
Toki
A date's wheres you actually talks to a girl, and she says stuffs, and you asks her questions, and she talks back-
Questions, waits a minute, questions?! You means like whens we're in courts questions?
ECeLadyMates Consultant
Mr. Wartooth, our company is very serious about finding their clients a life-ladymate partner.
Toki
Life-ladymates partner.
CConsultant
Yes. We're confident that our matching system is so solid that we give a 100% guarantee.
Toki
Well, that ams some impressive numbers, buts I'm lookings not onlys for a friends but also a companions and the mothers to my childrens.
CConsultant
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem.
Toki
....That's it?
Toki
Huh.
CConsultant
We can pinpoint your future ladymate partner's fertility to the second.
Not to brag, but I can pinpoint my fertility, too. All I need is some lotion and a little DSL-quality internet and some napkins. [Toki looks mortified and the consultant shocked] I'm kidding, of course! Keep going.
Toki
I tolds you you could comes in if you didn'ts ruins my meeting.
I think I'm enhancing the meeting. [Toki covers his eyes with his hand in embarrassment] Look, sir, I just want to meet like a hundred girls and fuck the bajeesus out of them. So, uh, can we set up an account here or something?
CConsultant
We don't do that here. This is for lifemates.
Damn! This is not gonna be easy.
Toki
Just waits in the fucking lobby!
Sorry! Gaaaah! [to consultant] You better find this guy some pussy because he is really-
Toki
WILL YOU FUCKINGS GETS OUT OF HERE?!?!
CCaroline
Great date. Oh, here's my fertility chart.
Toki
Oh, it's a-... Really?
CCaroline
The 15th. You'll have to keep it open.
Toki
The 15ths?
CCaroline
Oh, that's when we'll have intercourse.
Toki
Inst-instecourse? I means we just barelys mets.
CCaroline
I like the name Wilthmore or Donnington.
Toki
For whats?
CCaroline
For our baby. I've gotta go. Looking forward to our long, long future together lifemate.
Toki
...Oh...
CCaroline
Don't forget to keep the 15th open so you can deposit your sperm into my vagina with your penis.
Toki
....... Okay.....
So this girl wants to get it on with you?
Toki
Yeahs, the 15ths.
Toki
That's when she says she ams ovulatings and that's the chances are highs for whats to be pregnants.
So she wants to have planned sex with you.
Sex designed to procreate? Ugh! Fucking gross.
You can't tell me when to have a boner! That's my business!
Toki
And you knows what else? [brings up Caroline's photo on his Dethphone] This is what she looks like!
Toki
She looks like a gorilla whats been shaved!!!
Yeah, well, your in the hot seat. Look, you want some advice, I got some for you, alright? When the 15th comes, you just gotta listen. Alright?
Toki
Listens?
You need listen to your dick Toki. Your dick will tell you exactly what you need to do, alright? Listen to your dick.
Yeah, listen to your dick.
Toki
Listens to my dick!
And also, don't ever get into a room that you can't get out of.
Congratulations, you can now call your parents and safely say you are now Murdertooth recording artists, Get Thee Hence!
GTGet Thee Hence Band
Yeaaah! [start celebrating]
LSLead Singer
So where's our advance, son?
Uhh I'm sorry I don't even know what you're talking about.
BPBass Player
Where's our fucking advance, you heard us.
Oh oh oh the advance! Oh you mean advance money!
LSLead singer
Wait wait wait. Hold up hold up hold up. Are you sure you're even a fucking label?
Toki
Kinds of.
[shoves Toki away] Toki shut up! We're the fucking real deal, bros. But look. Shouldn't we get a contract in place or something?
DDJ
You guys hear that fucking back peddling bullshit fucking suits.
What? No, man! We're not suits! We're your bros. Toki, get my checkbook. [gets checkbook] Sooo, what uhh like five thousand?
BPBass Player
What do I look like, a fucking hooker?
LSLead Singer
Keep coming.
[growing nervous] Forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, hundred, hundred-ten [faster] hundred-twenty, hundred thirty, hundred forty-hundred fifty, hundred sixty, hundred seventy, hundred eighty, hundred ninety, two hundred! Two-ten, two-twenty, two-thirty, two-forty, two-fifty, two-sixty, two-seventy, two-eighty, two-ninety, three hundred! Five...hundred thousand dollars! And that is my final offer-five-ten. Five-twenty? Five-thirty, five-forty, six hundred? Seven hundred. Eight hundred. Nine hundred...a million.
Uh, but back to this rehab business, uh, it's a recap, it's costing us a lot, uh, and the local authorities want a scape goat.
So we offered them you. 'Cause you were drinking a lot!
What are you talking about?! It was a technical malfunction!
Denial! Huh, yeah. Denial.
The hoverdrums, the drumsticks-
Toki
Denials.
Right there, [holds up a textbook entitled "Denial"] says in the book.
Look, Pickles, to put it bluntly, you can't handle your booze.
Can't handle your booze, Pickles!
You can't handle your booze, and WE CAN! [shows various photos of Dethklok members, not including Pickles, intoxicated and causing chaos] Flying hoverdrums all across Mozambique, who does that? Really.
Uh huh. Yeah, excuses, excuses.
[pause] I hate you all. I really do.
[slams his beer bottle down] TRY TO CALM DOWN, PICKLES! THAT'S THE BOOZE TALKING!!
What am I supposed to do without booze? It's my whole life.
You could try eating an apple. You can always eat an apple...instead of drinking.
You cans try, instead of doings drugs, jackings off while yous chokes yourselfs with a leather belts around your throats, close to the points of death.
Yeah, that's a natural high.
Yeah, that's good clean fun. I do it every morning.
Okay, guys. I really, really don't want to promote auto-erotic asphyxiation, okay?
God! Live a little bit, Grandma!
I'm trying... it's an embarrassing death. You always have to color it differently in the media.
I think it's an awesome death.
Toki
Yeah, it's better than blowing up in the space shuttle.
Now an unfortunate scheduling conflict has come because of all this, you have a show to perform, but Pickles will be in rehab.
So we can't play with a drummer? You know that will take a lot of rhythmic elements out of the song, I mean, don't you think?
Well I think I figured something out. You can't play with Pickles, but you can play with a machine. You can play with a drum machine. [a machine is shown in the darkness, playing a Metal beat; the band members look at it in awe]
Toki
[flabbergasted] Whoa, looks at that! Ohhhh.
Whoa, that's pretty fucking cool.
Oh my gosh, that's bad-ass!
Well good then. In the meantime, you'll have to watch this instructional video in order to operate it.
Hey pals, it's me! Faaaacebooooones!
[drinking a beer] Hey look! Facebones!
And let me introduce you to your newest robot pal and band member, X2P1158! He's the coolest high-tech drum machine known to humankind! He can play any style! Including, but not limited to Latin, soul, R&B, rock, adult contemporary, fusion, Latin fusion, and dildo fusion too! And he can outperform any drummer and is capable of performing up to 200 polyrhythms at once! It can also perform the deadly hexi-kicks! Check it out! [a sample of fast double kicks is heard] WOW! And most importantly, they can handle their alcohol! Not like SOME DRUMMERS!
Holy shit! It's the perfect drummer!
We should totally finds one that plays rhythm guitars too.
Toki
That woulds be cools! Another robots pals!
CComputer
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The X2P1158 is equipped with a 10,000 megaton self detonation device! And in rare cases become self aware and cause dangerous harm to humans! If that's the case contact the manufacturer! Not our problem! But that probably won't happen anywhooooo! Thanks for watching and have fun playing with the X2P1158! I'm Facebones! G-g-g-g-g-g....GOODBYE!
Hey, Pickles isn'tgonna care that he's being replaced, is he?
Nah, he'll be fines! He am probably be settlings in real nicely and adjustings in rehabds.
Yeah, he's probably living like a fucking king!
[Toki visits Dr. Rockso in jail]
Toki! Oh thank God! You gotta get Dr. Rockso outta here! I can't tell you what they're doing to me in the joint! [sobs]
Toki
Shuts up Rockso. You have beens a constant source of disappoint-ska-ments.
Toki
Enoughs! Ever since I knows you, you acts like a dildos! And you used the be a greats rock n' roll clown. You used to bes a star! But looks at you now. You're like a dogs whats bloateds and rottings on the sides of the roads. Likes a turds in the toilet ins an abandoned buildings whats no ones even flushed. Likes a dead whore whats the police won't even investigate 'cause no one cares-
[annoyed] Okay baby, I get the idea...
Toki
Buts... den's I realized... That's it! You amn'ts on tops, and that's whys you haves slumpeds to the bottoms of garbage! You needs to be backs on tops Rockso! I'ms gonna bails you out, and helps you reforms your old band: Zazz Blammymatazz!
Toki
Alls we gots to do is sells a bunch of tickets, make sure Rockso performs and thens we makes our money backs and thens we goes on vacations -- easy!
You think this is the first time that group of fucking clowns has tried to reunite?
There was that one time they almost reunited, but Rockso drank a whole bunch of acid right before he went onstage and just spent the whole night spraying some lady with huge tits in the front row with a big spraying thing and they didn't even play one song. Cancelled. Then they were supposed to reunite, but Rockso, the night before, smuggled like twenty condoms worth of cocaine into his intestines. Then he ate some super-spicy Mexican food and the condoms melted and O.D.'d and he couldn't perform. Canceled. Then there was that one time they were about to reunite and like Rockso borrowed $20 million from the Ecuadorian drug cartel and they were like, "Give us our money back," and he's like, "No, I'm not gonna give you your money back," and they're like, "Well, we're gonna shoot you," and he's like, "Well, go ahead and shoot me" and they shot him. And now he pees out the side of his dick. And uh... they canceled the show. So, that's what I heard.
What the hell happened out there?! You!
Yeah! How did we get left behind?!
Toki
Yeah! [punches Skwisgaar]
I just wanna get warm! I need more blankets! [struggling]
Look you guys were out there for less than 15 minutes! God knows why you ran into the woods and didn't stay in the gas station!
...Well maybe we don't know, to go inside, when it's cold, alright?!
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
