You know, uh, guys? It's hard to say this but... I've had my fucking fill of getting back to our roots... And that's because it fucking sucks.
I am so glad you said that. I mean the reason we're in Dethklok is because we all paid our dues already!
SkwisgaarI says we gets the fuck out of here.
But dude we still have to do that benefit. We promised those guys we'd do it!
Thunderhorse promised, not Dethklok. Dethklok's getting the fuck out of here, getting some fucking food!
Dudes, we party too hard, so our bodies are in terrible shape. We gotta trick the doctor by making it seem like we're in really good shape. And there's only one way to do that. Bleach. [holds up a jug of bleach] Here, drink this Murderface. [hands it to Murderface]
Skwisgaar
Uhh, maybe this ams a stupid question, buts, why don'ts we just pours bleach into our cups of...urines?
[looking angry at the suggestion] No! Drink the bleach!
Bleach is healthy. It's mostly water. And we are mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach.
All right guys, uh, we just got some test results back from the lab and, uh, Pickles you're not dying.
[drunk and high] Oohh, I'm nat dyiiing?
There's something wrong with your urine, what happened?
Ohh! I switched my pee with Murderface!
That's not my pee, I switched with Skwisgaar.
Skwisgaar
Well it's not me, I switched mines with Nathan's.
Well it's not me, I switched mine with Toki.
I switched my pee with my cat's pee and he's right- [the cat is dead] OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, HE'S DEAD! OH NOOOO! That cat was the bestest friends I ever hads! [faints]
WHAT YOU MEAN WE CAN'TS DO SECRETS SANTAS?!
Toki, how many times do we have to go over this?
Skwisgaar
We don'ts thinks it ams Metal to bes nice to each others.
Toki, why don't you drop it? You're just driving us fucking crazy.
I ain'ts listens to yous no more! I'm going shoppings. Yes! Shoppings! To buys each and every ones of yous a gifts. And I wants to see the looks on all your fat fucking faces, when I gets you great presents! Ha ha! Fucks you! [leaves]
I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before.
Skwisgaar
Fuck Tokis. Christmas trees. This amn't brutal.
Well, you know what? It's growing on me. It's like having a rotting corpse in your house, but the corpse of a tree, you know? It's kind of baddass. It stands and then you humiliate it even further by hanging ornaments all over it, like "Fuck you."
Y'know, when you say it like that it makes sense, but still... it-it still sucks, y'know?
Shall I burn it, my lords?
No, leave it. Just throw some rotting meat on it and pour some pig's blood on it or whatever, you know. It'll be bearable, I guess.
(Dethklok's mothers are busy decorating the Mordhaus Rec Room. Sveltana Skwigelf is bent over, wrapping a present, as Murderface leers at her buttocks lecherously. Skwisgaar is drinking a bottle of vodka, looking rather irritated)
Hey Skwisgaar, Murderface is eyeing up your mom like a fucking piece of meat.
Skwisgaar
(sourly) Yes. I am noticings this. Thats is whys I am drinking.
Hey, Swisgaar, check it out! I'm getting a handj-j-job from your m-m-m-mom!
Skwisgaar
Moms, nooo! [plays his guitar quickly as a way to cope]
Oh, she's got that Swedish grip, too! Just like you play that guitar. Ohhh, fiddly widdly widdly oooh...
What the FUCK?! THAT'S MY GIRL!!
Ah, is someone having a bad Christmas?
YOU GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!
[Skwisgaar is in his bed with two young and one old lady. A Klokateer enters]
Skwisgaar
Any news on my fathers?
I'm sorry my lord, but none of the DNA tests match.
Skwisgaar
Ugh...
All those thousands of men managed to ejaculate into your mother without being your father. He must still be out there, but he hasn't come forward. All those men... All that ejaculate-
Skwisgaar
[grossed out] Yes, thank you, I understands! Just... please leaves me be.
OOld Lady
Hey, what about us? When will we be satisfied?
Skwisgaar
I never thought I would say this, but... I'm nots in the mood.
Guys I'm nervous. I don'ts even knows how to go abouts this findings a lady business.
Oh Toki, that is cute. That's precious.
You need some datin' advice from your pals.
Oh thats would be very helpful Pickle.
Okay, well, heres what you do to meet a lady, alright? You get your tour manager to find you some chick and when he brings her backstage you pull out your dick!
Skwisgaar
Ja, you pulls out your dicks!
Pulls out your-? Guys, I'm talkings abouts real dates here.
How is that not a real date?
Yeah, how is that not a real date Toki?
A date's wheres you actually talks to a girl, and she says stuffs, and you asks her questions, and she talks back-
Skwisgaar
Questions, waits a minute, questions?! You means like whens we're in courts questions?
Uh, but back to this rehab business, uh, it's a recap, it's costing us a lot, uh, and the local authorities want a scape goat.
So we offered them you. 'Cause you were drinking a lot!
What are you talking about?! It was a technical malfunction!
Denial! Huh, yeah. Denial.
The hoverdrums, the drumsticks-
Skwisgaar
Textbooks case.
Right there, [holds up a textbook entitled "Denial"] says in the book.
Skwisgaar
Yeah.
Look, Pickles, to put it bluntly, you can't handle your booze.
Can't handle your booze, Pickles!
Skwisgaar
Yeahs, lightweights!
You can't handle your booze, and WE CAN! [shows various photos of Dethklok members, not including Pickles, intoxicated and causing chaos] Flying hoverdrums all across Mozambique, who does that? Really.
Uh huh. Yeah, excuses, excuses.
[pause] I hate you all. I really do.
[slams his beer bottle down] TRY TO CALM DOWN, PICKLES! THAT'S THE BOOZE TALKING!!
What am I supposed to do without booze? It's my whole life.
You could try eating an apple. You can always eat an apple...instead of drinking.
Skwisgaar
You cans try, instead of doings drugs, jackings off while yous chokes yourselfs with a leather belts around your throats, close to the points of death.
Yeah, that's a natural high.
Yeah, that's good clean fun. I do it every morning.
Okay, guys. I really, really don't want to promote auto-erotic asphyxiation, okay?
God! Live a little bit, Grandma!
I'm trying... it's an embarrassing death. You always have to color it differently in the media.
I think it's an awesome death.
Yeah, it's better than blowing up in the space shuttle.
Now an unfortunate scheduling conflict has come because of all this, you have a show to perform, but Pickles will be in rehab.
So we can't play with a drummer? You know that will take a lot of rhythmic elements out of the song, I mean, don't you think?
Well I think I figured something out. You can't play with Pickles, but you can play with a machine. You can play with a drum machine. [a machine is shown in the darkness, playing a Metal beat; the band members look at it in awe]
[flabbergasted] Whoa, looks at that! Ohhhh.
Whoa, that's pretty fucking cool.
Oh my gosh, that's bad-ass!
Well good then. In the meantime, you'll have to watch this instructional video in order to operate it.
Hey pals, it's me! Faaaacebooooones!
[drinking a beer] Hey look! Facebones!
And let me introduce you to your newest robot pal and band member, X2P1158! He's the coolest high-tech drum machine known to humankind! He can play any style! Including, but not limited to Latin, soul, R&B, rock, adult contemporary, fusion, Latin fusion, and dildo fusion too! And he can outperform any drummer and is capable of performing up to 200 polyrhythms at once! It can also perform the deadly hexi-kicks! Check it out! [a sample of fast double kicks is heard] WOW! And most importantly, they can handle their alcohol! Not like SOME DRUMMERS!
Holy shit! It's the perfect drummer!
Skwisgaar
We should totally finds one that plays rhythm guitars too.
That woulds be cools! Another robots pals!
CComputer
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The X2P1158 is equipped with a 10,000 megaton self detonation device! And in rare cases become self aware and cause dangerous harm to humans! If that's the case contact the manufacturer! Not our problem! But that probably won't happen anywhooooo! Thanks for watching and have fun playing with the X2P1158! I'm Facebones! G-g-g-g-g-g....GOODBYE!
Hey, Pickles isn'tgonna care that he's being replaced, is he?
Skwisgaar
Nah, he'll be fines! He am probably be settlings in real nicely and adjustings in rehabds.
Yeah, he's probably living like a fucking king!
Alls we gots to do is sells a bunch of tickets, make sure Rockso performs and thens we makes our money backs and thens we goes on vacations -- easy!
You think this is the first time that group of fucking clowns has tried to reunite?
Skwisgaar
Whats do you means?
There was that one time they almost reunited, but Rockso drank a whole bunch of acid right before he went onstage and just spent the whole night spraying some lady with huge tits in the front row with a big spraying thing and they didn't even play one song. Cancelled. Then they were supposed to reunite, but Rockso, the night before, smuggled like twenty condoms worth of cocaine into his intestines. Then he ate some super-spicy Mexican food and the condoms melted and O.D.'d and he couldn't perform. Canceled. Then there was that one time they were about to reunite and like Rockso borrowed $20 million from the Ecuadorian drug cartel and they were like, "Give us our money back," and he's like, "No, I'm not gonna give you your money back," and they're like, "Well, we're gonna shoot you," and he's like, "Well, go ahead and shoot me" and they shot him. And now he pees out the side of his dick. And uh... they canceled the show. So, that's what I heard.
Skwisgaar
Why didn'ts we brings our jackets?
Dudes this is a totally humiliating way to die! Huddled together, like a bunch of homos!
[whispering] Pickles...we need to use each others body heat to stay alive. I'm telling you here.
Ugh, just try not to get a boner!
YOU try not to get a boner from me!
What the hell happened out there?! You!
Yeah! How did we get left behind?!
Yeah! [punches Skwisgaar]
Skwisgaar
Owww!
I just wanna get warm! I need more blankets! [struggling]
Look you guys were out there for less than 15 minutes! God knows why you ran into the woods and didn't stay in the gas station!
...Well maybe we don't know, to go inside, when it's cold, alright?!
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
