SkwisgaarSo's. Your dads gots the Bigs K: Cancers.
[Toki remains in a catatonic silence]
Skwisgaar
Just gonna stares at me for a while or uh...
[still no response]
Skwisgaar
Looks I don't know what's to says, you're staring at me, I'm just looksing at you and you just stands there likes a fish! [walks over] Hey Toki, let's hears you say somethings positive!
[puts a finger in Toki's mouth and imitates him speaking]
SSSkwisgaar's Immatation
Yeah, it's not so bads after alls.
Skwisgaar
There you go!
SSSkwisgaar's Immitation
Who needs a fathers anyways?
Skwisgaar
Dats right! I don't really gots a dad, do I?
SSSkwisgaar's Immitation
Yeah, you never knows your father's!
Skwisgaar
That's right, Toki! I never...never really uh...[suddenly depressed] Oh...I don'ts...I don'ts have a father.
Skwisgaar
[angry] I don't wants to! I wants to bes in a bads mood! GETS OUT OF HERE!
Gots to go to Norway now, sees my dad die... Sees ya.
Skwisgaar
See yous laters, Tokis, haves a greats time.
Oh yeah, and say hi to your dad from us. I mean, if he doesn't die before you get there. Well, y'know, say hi to his corpse I guess. Y'know? I don't know.
Yeah, no matter what happens, say hi.
What do you want like a shot or whatever?
Skwisgaar
Yeah, whatsevers gets us drunks the fastest.
[to the guys behind the counter] You, hey you! Right there, vodka, two doubles.
Skwisgaar
Gives to us deh bottles.
...'cause we got lots of cash.
C1Clerk 1
Fellas, it doesn't actually work that wan, man.
C2Clerk 2
Not that way man.
C1Clerk 1
But I'll tell you what. [whispering] You guys like shots?
C2Clerk 2
How 'bout this guys? How about a totally cool shot of ice-cold mountain water?
C2Clerk 2
Chilled with, cucumber slices?
C1Clerk 1
Or maybe you're feeling zazzy? How 'bout some of this, sparkling cherry-applesauce drink?
C2Clerk 2
How 'bout you,Tonto? You look like you have a taste for things south of the border. You like margaritas?
C1Clerk 1
I think that's a yes!
C2Clerk 2
If you love margaritas, why not try some...lemonade?
This is bullshit! Don't fuck with us! You got alcohol?
C1Clerk 1
We have something better!
C2Clerk 2
An apple, God's alcohol.
[leans over the counter and starts beckoning them] Hey could you come here really quickly? Both of you come here, I just wanna tell you something...
C2Clerk 2
[both clerks lean over the counter] I'm right here.
C1Clerk 1
What's going on?
I just wanna tell you something...
Yeah, a little bit, little bit closer.
[pulls them to his face] Don't ever fuck with me and alcohol, got it?
Sorry guys, wrap for the day. Cuttin' ya loose, we'll be back.
Where you going? You getting food? Get Indian!
Get some fucking French toast this time, you cocksmokers!
I'm sick of French toast!
We're not getting food, guys.
Skwisgaar
We are goings to records my guitar part, and it may be the most dangerous things I ams ever dones.
Skwisgaar
Because I ams a tones-chaser.
That'd be funny if he said he was a squirrel-chaser. That'd be funnier, you know. Pickles, squirrel-chaser!
[clearly annoyed] Yeah, I know.
Okay so this ams the buttons that makes it records, and this ams the button that makes it stops records, and this ams the button that will makes it erase all of Skwisgaar's guitar tracks. [pushes the delete button] OH NO, WHATS HAS I DONE?!
I can'ts plays it! It's too damns hard! Skwisgaars always makes it so hard! Damns you stupid, slow, stubby fingers, don'ts looks at me! Awww shucks...whats am I goings to do!?
Skwisgaar
Hey Knubblers, still jazzed about hows greats dat recordings went. Mind playing me a couple of deh tracks?
[with great worry] uh why's do dat? Hey, let's alls gets lunch - my treats! Let's get out of this stuffy place. Let's get outta--let's just get outs of this room! Come on! GOS! GO!
Here you go, Skwisgaar. [pushes play, the track starts playing Toki's version of the solo]
Skwisgaar
WHAT THE FUCKS IS DAT SOUND?! SOMESTHING IS WRONGS HERE! ISOLATES MY GUITARS TRACKS! [the solo is playing very bad; Skwisgaar glares at Toki]
AHH! I'M SORRY'S, IT'S MY FAULT! I FUCKS IT ALL UP! Don'ts kicks me outs of deh band, I'lls do anything! I'LL SUCKS YOUR DICK!
Skwisgaar
Toki! Pulls yourselfs together!
Shit Skwisgaar, I really should have backed those sessions up.
YEAH YOU SHOULDA BACKS THOSE SESSIONS UP!
You'd do well as keep quiet, all right?! Shit SKwisgaar...you know what this means right?
Hey, hey! Listen, I actually would like to get serious for a moment, okay? If I could?
I uhh...I think it would be in the band's best interests to hire a uh...Buddhist Yoga...instructor guy dude.
Ohhh yeah. Yes I second that.
Uhh, oh really? What because uh...you guys are interested in yoga? Spiritual guidance or-
Skwisgaar
No, because we-
YES! YES! We want spiritual things.
Is that really the reason?
I thought we... OHHHHHHH....Right!"
Skwisgaar
Yeaaaah...
I'm sorry, I don't understand. Why do you need this?
We'd like to be able to reach things a little bit better.
EJEdgar Jonfru
[approaches Skwisgaar and Pickles with a shotgun] This is where it all ends. [loads shotgun]
Skwisgaar
We're deads!
Skwisgaar....before we die...
Skwisgaar
Yes, my friends?
Skwisgaar
Whats are you talkings about?
[crying] Last night. I did it. I sucked my own cock last night!
[slight pause, Skwisgaar gives no response to Pickles, who pulls himself together and looks at Edgar]
We are not hiring a replacement manager, it's too fucking soon kemosabe. We're taking on all management uhh... things.
Skwisgaar
I ams in charge of finance-skial treasuries.
And I'm head of financial business affairs.
I'm chief of financial receipts... gathering.
I'm deputy president of financial money.
[dejectedly] And I'ms in charge of snacks... Fucking bullshit!
All right, check this out, it's scream-activated lighting. [screams, and concert lights turn on to a double-bass pedal beat]
TText
MONEY SPENT ON DETHKLOK INTERIOR DESIGN. SCREAM ACTIVATED LIGHTING- $12 MILLION
See? You come home, it's dark. Where are my keys? [screams, and lights up the keys on a desk] Over there. [to scientists] Put them in every single room in the house!
TText
SCREAM ACTIVATED LIGHTING: IN EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE- $89.9 BILLION
SScientist
I'm afraid that's going to cost an aweful lot of money, I'm just telling you.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf
This is my platinum practice chambers.
TText
PLATINUM PRACTICE CHAMBER- $6.5 BILLION
Skwisgaar
I haves a solid rubys metronomes.
TText
SOLID RUBY METRONOME- $8.3 BILLION
Skwisgaar
And a champagne humidifier.
TText
CHAMPAGNE HUMIDIFIER- $2 MILLION
Skwisgaar
So fucking expensive that it makes me horny.
This is my Endangered Species Furniture Room!
TText
ENDANGERED SPECIES FURNITURE ROOM- $28 MILLION
TText
CALIFORNIA CONDOR BOTTLE OPENER- $5 MILLION - GOLD PLATED MEERKAT SHELF HOLDER- $30 MILLION - GIANT PANDA THROW RUGS- $2 BILLION - GIANT TORTOISE OTTOMAN- $1.5 MILLION - SILVER GAZELLE WALL SCONCE- $4 MILLION - HELTER STORK TIFFANY LAMP- $6 MILLION
Seriously guys, fuck money!
TText
TOTAL EXPENDITURES $106,788,500,000
You're in a tribute band paying tribute to yourself? That's like jacking off to a picture of yourself online!
Of course I'm nots paying tributes to myself. In Thunderhorse, I'm Skwisgaar.
Skwisgaar
Dat's why my pants and shirts keeps disappearing! Dat's fucking weird dudes.
Well we're really good, we plays every Thursday nights.
[pause]
Thursday night? That's impossible, you have astronaut class on Thursday night.
Astronaut class is a lie?! I've been telling everyone that you're gonna be an astronaut! Now you're making me look like an asshole!
Toki, you gotta let us into your band!
Skwisgaar
I agrees! I thinks it is just what we needs!
But we already gots a you. Me!
Skwisgaar
Well fines then. I'll be you! A much betters you!
No it'll be perfect! We'll be regular jack-offs! No one will even know it's us if we're in our own tribute group!
You all wants to join Thunderhorse?
Yes! We do! We're gonna take a break from that fucking disgusting asshole rich life. And what better way to do that than by joining a tribute band of the greatest band in the world? Dethklok!
You do it, I'm not doing it.
I'll do it, I don't care.
Yeah you do it Pickles, go, see...
Yeah, see what happens. See what happens.
See if you gotta wait for a little...
I have a beer ticket for one beer please.
[in complete awe] Guys....it's a beer!
Skwisgaar
You means dat dats things dat he gaves you ams likes littles moneys whats ams onlys for beers?
[enraged] How come Dethklok never got beer tickets before?!
All right, listen. This is bullshit. All we ever get is all the booze we can ever drink! We never get beer tickets!
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
