Now listen, it's in our best interest to satisfy both parties to the best of my ability. For that, I may need a little patience on your- [Dethphone rings; clears throat] Sorry. [silences phone] I may need a little patience as I iron out the-
AAssistant
Sir, it's Dethklok.
Well, tell them "no." I'll have to return their phone call.
AAssistant
They claim it's rather urgent.
Urgent? Very well. [to the U.N. members] I'm very sorry. Uh guys, I'm in a meeting with the United Nations right now.
Toki hit me in the arm and it really hurt!
I'm trying to solve the Israeli-Syrian issue with the U.N. right now and-
Hey! It's Nathan! He hit me too! And he keeps on hitting all of us!
I was just standing there, and Toki walks up and slaps me hard, REALLY HARD on the back! And I didn't do ANYTHING to provoke him!
SkwisgaarNo neithers did any ofs us! And now I gots a fuckings welts all over my arms.
AND THE TV NEWS CALLED ME FAT!
I'm really busy right now. In the mean time, try to tell Toki, that you don't appreciate being hit.
YOU TELL HIM! He won't listen to us! We know he won't!
No he won't! You have to do it!
Ofdensen If I get home before dinner, I'll talk to him, okay? I just- I can't do it right now, I'm in the-
We're watching you on TV! We'll know if you don't!
Uh, my apologies ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations, I uh, have to uh...make a quick phone call. Toki. [clears throat] [phone ringing] Uhh, hello, Toki, uh-
TSToki's Answering Machine
Hi! You've reached the phones of Toki Wartooths. I'm not homes right now, but listens very carefullys to these followings instructions! After you hears a beep, please leaves detaileds message, on whos you are, and whats you likes to talks to Toki Wartooths abo- [beep]
Guys I'm really worried about Nathan. Dating a fan is kind of a no-no.
What abouts a quicks humps with a groupies. What ams wrongs with thats?
Skwisgaar
Well, Tokis, you cans humps all the groupies you wants but, you know...
But don't make a fan your girlfriend!
Because fans are crazy obsessed weirdos, you can't have a real relationship with them! Mark my words! He'll see! It always ends badly! [Nathan enters] What a sad dildoooo...[notices Nathan] Hi.
Skwisgaar
Oh my Gods, looks at dis place.
Skwisgaar
Just what we needs, more homoskektuals fanfictions.
[upon seeing a naked picture of him] Hey looks that ams a really good renderings of my abs!
NINerd in a Wheelchair
Can you guys get out of my way? I wanna...buy a Dethklok comic book.
Where did you get a 100 ounce Coca-Cola?
Can I ask you something, did you eat all that garlic crazy bread?
NNerd
[moving on] Yeah...
FPFat Pickles
Nice Nathan outfit!
Thanks. [Pickles gorans] ...Fat Pickles...
Skwisgaar
Hey fat Pickle, you don't know wheres the Tringles exhibition is, do you?
FSFat Skwisgaar
Oh, I do, it's over there...
Skwisgaar
Ams thats supposed to be me?
FSFat Skwisgaar
Are you guys smoking? You know that's bad for you...
[clearly annoyed] Thank you for the, uh, heath advice. Come on let's go!
Skwisgaar
[about the special costumes Toki made them wear for the Diversity event] Holy shit, guys! We ams dressed likes the fuckings Klans!
Toki, your special outfits, while very comfortable, are going to get us killed!
[watching on TV having been left behind at Mordhaus] Ah, you fuckers left me again!
Watch this. You're about to witness the art of a prank call. [dials phone]
[in a high pitched voice] I'm a little old lady and I'd like to come over!
Uhhh, I'ms ins a stupid meetings, buts uh...maybe you cans come over laters. Who is this?
Oh I loves pizza! How did you gets my number?
Hello? Some nice old lady just hungs up on me! Oh I hope she's okay!
Skwisgaar
One moment, Toki. Hello, this ams Skwisgaar Skwigelf-uh speakings.
[different voice] This is a divorced overweight, African-American lady. Can I come over?
Skwisgaar
Maybe I cans squeeze you ins?
[holding the record] Guys do you think the red in this album cover is too pink?! This looks like fucking soup! It looks like pink tomato soup! Can we send it back and ask them to make it more blood red?
Nathan, I'm sorry but the albums have already shipped!
Skwisgaar
Huh, dats ams weirds...uh...
Skwisgaar
Dis lady calls me and says she's horny and thens shes HANGS UPS ON ME! ... I hope she ams okay...
WHAT'S GOING ON TOMAHAWK? [little applause] Okay...uhhhhh-welcome to the very first DethFair, I don't know if you heard, but we're going to play a free concert. [to someone offstage] Free? We're really playing f- playing free concert - [back to crowd] So we brought some pretty cool stuff for the fair, like a pirate ship with the Somali Pirates who are gonna threaten to kill you. You know we have a really big Dorrito that we're- we're gonna see how fast you can eat it. Uhh we have a maybe, million dollar Ferrari Wheel, Ferris Wheel, made of Ferraris.
MMan
GET OFF THE STAGE AND GET US A JOB, PRICK!
Well if you guys are so pissed off, why don't you collectively kill yourselves?!
MMan
[silence] YOU'RE A JERK-
What was I talking about? Fuck this, I'm done. [knocks microphone off the stand] Fuck you. [to the bandmates] I think that went well.
Skwisgaar
That was pretty goods.
My mom, is right!! Alright?! This is a fantasy that we're living in! A fucking fantasy!! And I can't impress her, no matter how much money I make, and I realize it's because I don't have a REAL JOB!!!
Your mom, is a bitch! You should tell her to go fuck herself!
Whoa BACK UP! You did NOT just say that to me about my mom!
Skwisgaar
Uh, Pickle?
Skwisgaar
You should go tell your mom to go fucks herselfs.
[infuriated] JUST B- THIS IS MY FAMILY!!
Yeah! The family that you hate!
Skwisgaar
And you also calls dems assholes all the times.
Yeah o- WHOA! Okay...maybe I do. But you know what? I'm starting to think that maybe WE'RE the assholes!
YES! And that's why I'm going to go sell cars.
[deep in thought] .....you mean houses.
Pickles! You need to cut this Realtor bullshit and get back to making a new record, so we can all make money again!
Wait a minute! You don't even care that I'm the best regular jack-off realtor in the world?!
Fuck that realtor crap! I want you to go back to playing drums with your stupid band and fix the fucking economy!
SSkwisgaar (flashback)
You shoulds gos tell your mothers to go fucks herselfs!
NNathan (flashback)
You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!
OOfdensen (flashback)
You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!
[enraged] Hey mom! GO FUCK YOURSELF!
[in a demo session; off-tempo and not energetic] Falling down / hurt yourself / Really can hurt...really, can, really now- CAN WE STOP THIS THING?!
DDick
Okay, fine. What's going on?
I guess I'm just not feeling it.
DDick
That "falling down" stuff's good! I mean, it's good enough!
Dude, Nathan! We've been doing demos for 37 days! When are you gonna start feeling it, already?!
DDick
[with a stripper on his lap] Check it out, Amber here was feeling it! She was bouncing on my lap...up and down, up and down, right Amber? [before Amber can reply] Don't talk. You know the rules.
Skwisgaar
[also with two stripper; Murderface has a fat one sitting with him off to the side] Hey Trinitys...and her sisters, Quadrupaltys, alsos really exciteds, they gives me double blow jobs.
[two strippers are fondling his legs] Maybe I need a blow job. You know?
Ugh, okay! I hear you I HEAR YOU! [turns light on] God what time is it?
Skwisgaar
Can we sleeps with you, Pickle?
[in regret] We had too much whipped cream and watched...
Guys, guys, guys what do I keep telling you about eating too much chocolate and watching scary movies?
You said to don't do it, but we diiid!
Skwisgaar
You said that we shouldn't do its, but nows it's too lates.
It doesn't matter now...please Pickles...
All right, fine just...[Skwisgaar and Murderface immediately get in Pickles bed]
Skwisgaar
Thanks, Pickle!
...just get in the bed, and go to sleep, okay?!
Skwisgaar
Oh, thanks you Pickle.
[sighs in relief] [whispering] Oh uh, I gotta fart!
Skwisgaar
Uh oh... [snickering as Murderface farts]
God fucking dammit, go to bed!
[at an audition for his new band, the drummer is doing a Metal beat] Stop, stop listen! It sounds like you're trying to sound like Dethklok, all right? That's- You're missing the point!
DDick
Yeah, guys, we're trying to get away, from the Dethklok sound, we're moving on. Get it? Nathan why don't you explain a little more about that.
Skwisgaar
Explains the sounds a bit...to them.
Uhh, it's gotta be umm, what are we talking about how it's sounds...
Skwisgaar
Measurables, hows to be extra sounds...
Extra...it has to be more than...
Skwisgaar
It has to be, you know, more dans the...
Yeah, but with less! But with less. Yeah.
Skwisgaar
Dat's the idea. So do dats.
There's no other way to explain it other than- I hope you were listening, 'cause that's not gonna happen again!
Skwisgaar: Yeah.
All right, ready? [drummer goes again, with a bit more variety] One, two- NOPE! NOPE! YES! Yes, yes-Nope. Okay thank you, you're done. [drummer stops playing] What am I doing wrong here?!
DDick
Between you and me, I don't think they get it. You know, you may need some studio ringers.
DDick
Yeah, session guys, hot shots, they just, they'll give you what you want, and all I gotta do is give them a ringy-ding. You say go and I will.
Oh, I don't know. What do you think?
Skwisgaar
I uhhh, was not listenings...to what....you two saids...
Skwisgaar
Yeah.
DDick
Let's send these jerks home.
Skwisgaar
[to entire audition line] GO HOMES DING DONGS!
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
