Nathan Explosion quotes from Metalocalypse

Murderface

What are those wooden things? Chairs?

They are acoustic instruments.

Toki

What is acoustic? Oh, you mean a grampa's guitars?

Skwisgaar

A grampa's guitars? That's for pussies and grampas. I think you know it.

It's your only choice, I'm afraid.

Pickles

Whoa, this is a tough one guys.

Nathan

Pickles is right, we have a tough choice. Playing acoustic is totally lame and not metal. But then again, if we don't put that troll back to sleep, we may never be able to check our e-mail with high-speed DSL again.

Nathan

Wait, Toki, why'd you stop playing?

Toki

I... have a confessions to makes. I can'ts reads music.

Skwisgaar

Dudes, Toki can't read music. Hah! It's a laugh!

Toki

Can you?

Skwisgaar

No. I haves music dyslex-kia. You know that. I... don't wish to talk about it.

Nathan

Wait, then how were - how were you playing that song?

Toki

Honestly, I was just hitting any note.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, me too. That's an old music school trick.

Toki

THE GRANDPA'S GUITARS ARE SMASHEDS!!

Skwisgaar

[referring to lake troll] Dudes, here comes that guy!

Nathan

Wait! The phones! Use the Dethphones! Throw them at that guy!

The lyrics clearly state: "Go into the water, go into the water. Live there, die there." Well, my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this "Underwater Album" by your band, Dethklok.

Pickles the Drummer

Why don't you... go breathe underwater?

I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!

William Murderface

Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo-licker!

This band is a danger to the human race!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

You's a danger of putting us to asleep. I would'a brought a sleepinsbag if I knows this guys was gonna show up.

Your Honour, we DEMAND 50 million dollars for medical bills and punitive damages.

Toki Wartooth

Hey, how 'bout we compromise...

Nathan Explosion

We'll give you half... of NOTHING!

Charles Ofdensen

The album clearly states "Intended for fish only". I rest my case.

Not guilty!

Toki

Well, we wins that.

Nathan

Whatever.

Skwisgaar

You preferred that we'd lose?

Nathan

Nah, I was just thinking about the next album.

Pickles

Oh, right. You mean how we're supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves?

Nathan

Exactly.

Ohhh.

And now we will auction the skull from the famous comedian, Buddy Hackett. We'll start this bid at fifty thousand dollars.

Skwisgaar

Oh, I gots to have that.

Fifty thousand. Do I hear sixty thousand?

Nathan

Yeah.

Skwisgaar

This going to be a long night.

We're back with arguably the greatest entertainment force in the history of the world, Dethklok. Gentlemen, you are the twelfth largest economy in the world and climbing, and yet you all are intensely private. Little is known about your personal lives. Why?

Nathan Explosion

[suddenly] Because.

Well, we at the Nick Ibsen show do pride ourselves on uncovering, the, most - [interrupted by Murderface slamming his knife in the table]

William Murderface

Hey douchebag, why don't you drill a hole into your forehead and let all the sap run out.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Huh huh... for pancakes.

As intimidating as it is to interview such amazing entertainment figures, I nonetheless have a journalistic duty to uncover... certain... Are you urinating on my shoes?

William Murderface

Yes I am.

Well as I said before, while met with resistance, we have a great surprise in store for you. We, have uncovered something you have desperately been trying to hide. Tonight, you will all be reunited with your families.

Nathan

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You're going to pay for this!

Pay for what? Journalistic integrity?

William!

I think you'll find any journalist worth his own salt, would do the same.

Nathan

Good song title... "Bloodrocuted!"

Skwisgaar

I just want to climbs into a hole and not deals, you know? Right, Toki?

Skwisgaar

What, you're not talking to me?

Nathan

I'll never not be embarrassed by my parents.

William

It's repugnant. I'd rather be Sanded Faceless than grow old and... repugnant like that.

Pickles the Drummer

I know! I think we all wish those guys were dead. Maybe we can just take them out to dinner and get them off our back.

Nathan

Eh, you're right. [he turns to their families standing right next to him] So what do you feel like eating?

Rose Explosion

You remember Mrs. Miller, don't you?

Nathan

[hands clamped over his ears] No.

Rose Explosion

Well, they had to cut her legs off. Poor thing, there was an ice storm and the power went out in her house and she woke up with her feet frozen.

Nathan

God, Mom, that's brutal.

Rose Explosion

Her feet were black, like... uh, a black person's feet. Not that I have anything against black people, but this, this was frostbite. And besides, black people's feet are pink on the bottom.

So I took a music management course at a Wisconsin state prison, ya' know, can you believe that crap?

Molly

He's a manager! [tense music starts] He's gonna make an office above the garage!

Hell yeah! I manage like five bands in D block. You know? For good! You ever heard of the Twixies? It hasn't gotten out yet, but you know, I record some stuff, then hit the phones, I'm so good! It blew my mind! [tense music gets louder] I just wanted to talk to you, dude... we should start a frickin' label! Can you imagine that? You know? Brothers in business? I would be in charge of numbers. You just play the music, play those rat-a-tat-tat, play those drums. And I want to do it plenty, and big fans and labels. [tense music stops suddenly]

William

Awwm lemme outta here, I gotta pee-pee!

Nathan

Yeah me too!

Skwisgaar

Yeah that's for sure!

Toki

[catatonically silent]

Pickles

[enters restroom] I AM GONNA LOSE MY MIND! MY PARENTS JUST BRAG AND BRAG ABOUT MY BROTHER! [mocking high-pitched voice] "Oh, he's in a room above the garage!" [normal voice] BIG DEAL, HE'S AN EX-CON! [breathes from an inhaler, pants for breath] I haven't used one of these things in like 15 years.

Nathan

[enters restroom, slamming the door open] WHAT THE FUCK?!

Skwisgaar

This whole thing gives me a case of my stomachs throw-up!

William

Don't worry about it, your mom seems cool!

Skwisgaar

She was the most prosqueeminous women in Swedens, haves sex with everybody! Pffft! Thanks mom!

Nathan

The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.

William

My grandma has an odor that's so very wrong and she wants me to buy that bastard a wheel chair. SHE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT!

Pickles

Why do we make it so hard on ourselves? We'll just solve it like any other problem!

William

Of course! We have them put to sleep!

Pickles

No, we'll lie! We'll lie through our teeth and throw money at them! We'll buy that bastard a wheel chair, take them to miniature golf or whatever the fuck people do. We'll pretend we're interested in what they're askin', and when that weekend's over, we'll ship them outta here, never to be seen again. Deal?

William

Okay.

Pickles

TIME TO GO! Time to go! Everyone get packed up... where's the folks? He - heyyyyy -

Skwisgaar

Ugh. Can't comes even faster. This sour stomach ever since my mom's been here?

Nathan

Toki hasn't said one word!

Toki

[still catatonically silent]

William

Maybe they died in their sleep.

[approaches Dethklok members] Alright dudes, may I have a word with you?

Pickles

Oh, not now bro, we gotta see everybody off for now, for good, to the airport! Guhhh... where are they?

Okay, here's the deal. Everyone's in the studio right? We're gonna have a lil' pow-wow.

Nathan

The studio?

We are going to do a Dethklok family Death metal album! There it is, I said it. Okay? And I got it all figured out. Everybody's on board. Now we can all enjoy the fruits of our talents! After all, [to Pickles] hey, you're my little brother. I friggin' love you. But you got all your ideas about music from me first! [tense music starts] The idea to become a rock n' roll star, that was mine. So face it; you owe me! [Pickles starts to choke him, causing him to stutter] You'll be making a percentage!

Pickles

For once it is not about the money! I don't want my parents doing a fucking metal album!

[still being choked] I can't take this away from them! We're family!

Pickles

The hell you talkin' about?!

Nathan

We are the most brutal band in the world! What do any of you know about being brutal?

William

Yeah!

Help me!

Skwisgaar

Now you guys better check out or you'll has each other's lunch for dinners!

Pickles

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Oh, you gutless pieces of living garbage! You think you know what it's like to be brutal? [sprays William with pepper spray]

William

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Can you imagine cleaning the feculent crud off this moron's diapers every morning? [sprays William again]

William

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Let me tell you billionaire lowlives something, there's nothing, NOTHING, in this world more brutal and grotesque than raising children!

Rose Explosion

You ruined my vagina!

I could never lose the weight after you were born! And look at the veins in my bosom, they're like a roadmap of Stockholm!

I used to be happy... until you! When I started spending all my time with HER, and I spent all my beer money on little kid's clothes! That's brutal!

Nathan Explosion

You should know that we don't really let anybody in here.

Relax, Tonto, don't get all neurotic on me, jeez. I'm just going to observe you all. Now I want you all to be yourselves. Act like I'm not here, go!

Pickles the Drummer

Don't worry, I've been tryin' to do that since yeh got here.

Well then it shouldn't be a problem then, should it, SMARTASS?!

Pickles

Dude, no hitting.