TV show quotes
The Piranhas [Marines] have landed at Rosie's, and already we've got their first casualty!
Uh, sorry, I don't remove tattoos.
How about billiard balls?
What?!
A Marine got one stuck in his mouth.
Now, that must have been some shot.
Can he breathe?
Oh yeah, he's fine; you need a bazooka to kill these guys. He bet someone that he could put a pool ball in his mouth and then take it out.
Well, he was half right.
The way I see it, the Army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off.
It's been getting harder and harder to sell this war to the folks back home.
Well, that's what happens when you spend everything on weapons and nothing on advertising.
Right.
I refuse to lie.
And you call yourself a PR man.
I'm a soldier first. I won't lie without orders.
Trapper was a man ahead of his time. Right, Margaret?
He was a ridiculous, juvenile child.
See?
Hunnicutt, if there is a God, there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits and in desperate need of a wealthy, influential friend. When that time comes, I pray you will turn to me so I can laugh in your face.
One sure test of good oatmeal is that you can't fill your fountain pen with it.
What the oatmeal lacks in solidity, the coffee more than makes up for.
When you haven't had much sleep, there's nothing like a good cup of coffee that you can really sink your teeth into.
Now, can we get on with this? I have some meaningless trivial business that is far more important.
OK. I didn't want to take any chances so I hid our little product in a clever place. This is it. (holds up a hula hoop)
My word, you have invented the circle!
Hey, guys. Did you know that Ted Williams is going home? I heard the Red Sox paid fifty thousand bucks to get him out of the Marines.
Boy, that's not what I heard. I heard it was seventy-five thousand and they sold Babe Ruth to the Navy.
We sit around here in our Hawaiian shirts and red suspenders, thumbing our nose at the Army, drinking home brewed gin and flouting authority at every turn, and feeling, oh, so superior to those military fools who kill each other and oh so self-righteous when we clean up after them. Well, good luck to you pal. I hope you can...keep it up. The minute I cut that rope, they made me a soldier.
(in Father Mulcahy's tent planning a mortgage burning party for Colonel Potter)
I think a party with a theme would be really cute.
Must we? Can't we just hand the poor man the mortgage, let him ignite it and go on about our business?
There's an exciting theme: apathy. What time shouldn't we be here?
Aw, come on, Major. Didn't your folks do something special when they got their first house?
Yes. Yes they did. They fired the entire staff.
All right. Look, just for the sake of your sanity, I'll tell you this much. Mildred wants to surprise you.
Surprise me?
Yeah.
It ain't my birthday. That was last month. It ain't our anniversary. That's Groundhog Day. I picked it so I'd never forget it.
Relax, you're gonna love it.
That's the same thing she said when she put the leopard skin seat covers on the Hudson. Never felt safe getting in that car without a whip and a chair.
Charles (entering the Swamp): Gentlemen.
BJ; Quiet, Charles, I'm looking for the liquor ads.
I thought you went to see Sahara tonight.
Indeed I did. But, alas, I had to leave when the film broke which was about two seconds after I ripped it from the projector. And I would have been here sooner but I had to stop to accept the cheers of the entire audience.
Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this. (reading from newspaper) Blue movie banned in Boston.
What?
"The Moon Is Blue, starring David Niven, William Holden, and Maggie McNamara has been banned from local theaters due to its suggestive nature. "
Philistines. They said the same thing about Babette Meets the Fleet.
Gentlemen, uh, before you unleash your libidos, bear in mind: Boston would have banned Pinocchio.
Captains, I've been adding up some numbers.
Well, you'd better sit down, your fingers must be exhausted.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
