M*A*S*H quotes

Doctor, can you give him a hand?

I'd rather give you one!

Radar

Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?

I certainly am!

*HONK!*HONK!*

Radar

Gosh, am I glad they brought me here!

Wait a minute, have you got a reservation?

Radar

A reservation?!

I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Years!

*HONK!*

Radar

But, Doctor!

I'm sorry, kid. You should've booked ahead. Come to think of it, you should've booked the rest of the body as well!

Hawkeye

Hold it (puts his ear to Radar's stomach) I think I just found my wristwatch. Either that or he's giving birth to an alarm clock.

Hawkeye

I had a dream last night that I was asleep and I dreamed it while I was awake!

Henry

This is the army! No one can do the best they can!

Does Henry have an enemy?

Hawkeye

Doesn't sound like the work of a friend. I think we better keep an eye on him.

Now?

Hawkeye

He may not have a later.

Come on, Frank! Outta the way!

Frank

You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the official property of the US Army in general and Col. Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.

Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case. Move!

Frank

Over my dead body.

Great idea!

Radar

Sir, you want to sign this?

I don't want to sign anything, you sign it! [Radar signs]

Radar

Sir, would you sign that I signed?

[signs] I'll sign that.

Radar

They aren't gonna like this.

Frank

I didn't come here to be liked.

Radar

You certainly came to the right place.

Hawkeye

Do you mind if we swim through?

Frank

I assure you, all goldbricking that went on here under Colonel Blake is going to stop. Under my command, life is going to be a different kettle of fish.

Radar

Are you sure you're in the right branch of the service Sir?

Henry

I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.

Hawkeye

I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.

Hawkeye

You know, I never hit a woman.

Burns

You lay one finger on Margaret...

Hawkeye

I was talking about you, Frank.

Frank

I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me!

Hawkeye

Ghouls? That's not a nice thing to call us vampires.

Attention, the following personnel have volunteered to go on a ten-mile fitness hike. [Silence]