Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye

[thinking as he writes] I've never put much stock in ESP, but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind, Radar has that ability. The little fink.

Radar

[walking past] Is that a nice thing to say?

What a mess. Stomach, kidney, liver...

Hawkeye

What is that, an organ recital?

Fifty bucks.

Hawkeye

I left my pockets back in the Swamp!

Hawkeye

[to Henry] We're here to report a pair of missing Longjohns.

[also to Henry] Which we own and you are wearing.

Henry

Can you identify them?

Hawkeye

I've got a better idea. How about you identify them? [Trapper covers Henry's eyes] Without looking.

Henry

Well they're long...

And they're johns... they must be his.

[Upon seeing Frank in the longjohns.] Look at what the giant rodent has on his body.

Hawkeye

Supparating pustules, if there's any justice. [to Frank] Where'd you get those longjohns!

Frank

Wouldn't you like to know!

Hawkeye

[picks up empty gas can and prepares to swing at Frank.] Those are mine you hermaphroditic weasel!

Frank

Possession is 9/10 of the law, Pierce. And I'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything!

Hawkeye

If I didn't think it would keep you warm, Frank, I'd come over there and beat you to a pulp. Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth!

You got a stethoscope any place?

Hawkeye

WE'RE A MEDICAL UNIT!!!

[coming outside looking for Radar, yelling] Radar?

Hawkeye

SHH!

Who are you shushing?!? What are you doing out here in your stockinged feet?!? You been at the still again, right?!?

Hawkeye

[whispering] I'm working on a bomb!

What kind of a bomb?!?!

Hawkeye

[still whispering] An unexploded bomb!

Oh! [whispering] THAT kind of bomb.

Psst! Psst!

Hawkeye

You spring a leak?

You got any stethoscopes there?

Hawkeye

WE'RE A MEDICAL UNIT!!!

Hawkeye

Can't you guys do that somewhere else?

Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?

Hawkeye

I'm not doing anything!

Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?

Henry, are you sitting down?

Henry

[stands up] No, sir.

Maybe you better.

Henry

[sits down] Yes, sir.

Hawkeye

Is he giving you calisthenics over the phone?

Call us if you need us.

Hawkeye

Yeah, but don't need us.

Frank

Are you going over my head?

Hawkeye

No, just through the hole in it.

Frank Burns

What is that?

What is what, Frank?

Frank Burns

Why is someone's appendix in my boot?

Hawkeye Pierce

Because the other one is full of tonsils, Frank.

Captain Hildebrand

Childish. Not childlike, with its connotations of innocence and joyous abandon, but childish. You delight in petty bickering, summer-camp capers, and in general, behave in a manner ill befitting officers in the United States Army, and members of the medical profession. It is, to some degree, understandable. You are, after all, only three miles from the front. You would not be the first people to crack under the stress of war.

Frank Burns

I resent that, Captain. I, for one, have not cracked because of the war.

Hawkeye Pierce

That's true, Captain.

Frank Burns

Thank you, Pierce.

Hawkeye

Frank showed up here cracked, with a Bible in one hand, and a pair of shorts that said, 'Hold Me' in the other.