Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye Pierce

Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!

Hawkeye Pierce

Ya know we gotta do it someday. Invite all the jokers from the north and the south for a cocktail party... Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war!

Hawkeye

The instrument has yet to be devised that can test my indifference to that remark.

Hawkeye

My God, it is permanent.

Hurry up, the truck will be here soon.

Hawkeye

I think we just passed soon!

Radar

A guy told me that he was crossing the road, and this jeep came too close to him. He punched it.

He punched a jeep?

Radar

He knocked it out.

Hawkeye, this guy knocks out jeeps!

Hawkeye

Showboat.

Frank

That's ether.

Hawkeye

A little louder Frank, the cook didn't hear you.

Hawkeye

I'm gonna do something about this--I'm going to Henry.

Henry? Our Henry?

I thought you said you were going to do something about this.

Frank

[Reading from the film script] "...from the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."

[laughing] A Yankee Doodle --

Hawkeye

[singing] Stuck a feather in his nurse...

...and called her macaroni!

Does Henry have an enemy?

Hawkeye

Doesn't sound like the work of a friend. I think we better keep an eye on him.

Now?

Hawkeye

He may not have a later.

Henry

I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.

Hawkeye

I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.

Hawkeye

You know, I never hit a woman.

Burns

You lay one finger on Margaret...

Hawkeye

I was talking about you, Frank.

Hawkeye

Edwina, may I kiss you?

Is your mouth insured?

[while Hawkeye is working on Tuttle's profile] You should write fiction.

Hawkeye

You should read my file.

Great work. There wasn't a dry eye in the whole camp.

Hawkeye

Tuttle always brought out the best in me.

Radar

Hey, I just got one question. Where'd you guys get the dog-tags and the parachute?

Oh, that was Major Murdock.

Radar

Who?

Hawkeye

Who's Major Murdock?

You know. Tall, skinny fella. Tuttle's replacement.

Hawkeye

[realizing] Oh, yeah! I had breakfast with him this morning.