Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

Captain Hildebrand

These guys make a gin that can melt your dog tags.

Hawkeye Pierce

It's from a recipe first brewed in Herman Goering's navel, and then handed down from war to war.

Hawkeye

You're out of uniform!

Where?

Hawkeye

How about my tent in five minutes?

Frank

I think it ill behooves us--

Hawkeye

Behooves? What, are we in the cavalry now?

Frank

Who put water in my gun?

Hawkeye

How do you know it's water?

Hawkeye

Great little war we have here.

Radar

I could do without it.

Frank

[After entering the Swamp] Pigpen. Brothel!

Hawkeye

Here, sir!

Yo!

Henry

You were ordered to stand down!

Hawkeye

I did, but I fell up again.

Hawkeye

A lot of nice songs came out of that war. [He starts singing] I'll be home for Christmas. You can count on me. [He pauses] You know that song?

Radar

No, I guess that was a little before my time.

Hawkeye

[rubbing his eyes]: I remember lying on the rug, listening to the singing on the radio. I can still smell the rug. [He continues singing] Please have snow... and mistletoe... [a trace of moisture appears in his eye] ... And presents on the tree... [He glances again at Radar. Radar himself glances around] A lot of very touching songs came out of that war. [He sings again] When the Führer says 'We is the Master Race', we heil, pbt, heil, pbt, right in Der Führer's face...

Hawkeye

[looking for maps of the minefield] Why aren't they under "M"?

Radar

Because they're under "B" for "boom."

Hawkeye

Looks like a pregnant bagpipe.

Do bagpipes get pregnant?

Hawkeye

Sure they do, right after they make those funny sounds.

Hawkeye

[to Corporal Walker] Are you married?

Sort of.

Hawkeye

Sort of married? That's like being sort of a virgin.

Who are you?

Margaret

Majors Burns and Houlihan, sir!

Which is which?

Hawkeye

Doesn't matter, they're interchangeable.

Hawkeye

Did you see that?

What?

Hawkeye

A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.

Hawkeye, did you see that?

Hawkeye

What did you see?

A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.

Radar

[during roll call] Major Frank Marion Burns.

[snickers] Marion.

Hawkeye

His folks wanted a boy.

Radar

[at show-end referring to sniper's thinking that he was firing on MacArthur's headquarters] Where do you think you're going to get a MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sake?

Frank

[awakening] What's going on?

Hawkeye

You have returned.