Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

EEG?

Hawkeye

Yeah, electroencephalogram.

How do you spell that?

Hawkeye

I personally spell it EEG.

Charles

Pierce, there is no sense in projecting the worst in this thing.

Hawkeye

The worst is a distinct possibility. Dad and I are too close to…let this all suddenly end with silence 12,000 miles apart.

Charles

Pierce, you should be grateful that only distance is separating you. My father and I have been 12,000 miles apart in the same room.

Hawkeye

Yeah?

Charles

The most intimate and personal communication at the Winchester household took place at the evening meal. Every night promptly at 7:15, we would gather at the dinner table. The soup would be served, and my father would begin with, "Tell us what you did today, Charles." As the elder of the two children, I was given the privilege of speaking first. I would then have until the salad to report the highlights of my day. Even now, the sight of lettuce makes me talk faster. I always assumed that's how it was in every family. But when I see the warmth, closeness, the fun of your relationship… My father's a good man. He always wanted the best for me. But where I have a father, you have a dad.

Hawkeye

[touched] Charles, you never told me anything like this before.

Charles

Actually, Hawkeye…I've never told you anything before.

Hawkeye

I'll make you a deal: I fix the autoclave. I go.

Margaret

Fine.

Hawkeye

Ok. Fine. Fine. Very simple. The hinge is bent, that's all. Takes three seconds.

Margaret

Uh-huh.

Hawkeye

One (hits it), two (hits it again), three...(hits it and the door falls off).

Klinger

The Piranhas [Marines] have landed at Rosie's, and already we've got their first casualty!

Hawkeye

Uh, sorry, I don't remove tattoos.

Klinger

How about billiard balls?

What?!

Klinger

A Marine got one stuck in his mouth.

Now, that must have been some shot.

Hawkeye

Can he breathe?

Klinger

Oh yeah, he's fine; you need a bazooka to kill these guys. He bet someone that he could put a pool ball in his mouth and then take it out.

Well, he was half right.

It's been getting harder and harder to sell this war to the folks back home.

Hawkeye

Well, that's what happens when you spend everything on weapons and nothing on advertising.

Right.

Hawkeye

Trapper was a man ahead of his time. Right, Margaret?

Margaret

He was a ridiculous, juvenile child.

Hawkeye

See?

One sure test of good oatmeal is that you can't fill your fountain pen with it.

Mulcahy

What the oatmeal lacks in solidity, the coffee more than makes up for.

Hawkeye

When you haven't had much sleep, there's nothing like a good cup of coffee that you can really sink your teeth into.

Hawkeye

All right. Look, just for the sake of your sanity, I'll tell you this much. Mildred wants to surprise you.

Surprise me?

Hawkeye

Yeah.

It ain't my birthday. That was last month. It ain't our anniversary. That's Groundhog Day. I picked it so I'd never forget it.

Relax, you're gonna love it.

That's the same thing she said when she put the leopard skin seat covers on the Hudson. Never felt safe getting in that car without a whip and a chair.

Hawkeye

I thought you went to see Sahara tonight.

Charles

Indeed I did. But, alas, I had to leave when the film broke which was about two seconds after I ripped it from the projector. And I would have been here sooner but I had to stop to accept the cheers of the entire audience.

Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this. (reading from newspaper) Blue movie banned in Boston.

Hawkeye

What?

"The Moon Is Blue, starring David Niven, William Holden, and Maggie McNamara has been banned from local theaters due to its suggestive nature. "

Hawkeye

Philistines. They said the same thing about Babette Meets the Fleet.

Charles

Gentlemen, uh, before you unleash your libidos, bear in mind: Boston would have banned Pinocchio.

Hawkeye

I can't believe what we're doing. Or how many times we're doing it.

Margaret

What's the matter?

Hawkeye

What's the matter?!

What's the matter?! If Mulcahy loses, we're out two weeks' pay!

Hawkeye

Each!

Margaret

You men. You always worry about little things.

Well, boys [B. J. and Hawkeye], it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys always managed to give me a good laugh right when I needed it most. I'll never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. Of course I had to pretend I was mad at you, but inside I was laughing to beat all hell.

Hawkeye

Yeah, we're laughing just thinking about it.

We'll all have a good laugh like this.

Well, I'd better get out of here (he climbs aboard Sophie)

Hawkeye

Colonel, before you go...

We've been thinking about it. There's something we'd like to give you.

Hawkeye

It's not much, but it comes from the heart. (Standing at attention, Hawkeye and B.J. salute Potter, who returns the salute before riding off)

Hawkeye

Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'll say it. Maybe you're right. Maybe we will see each other again. But just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you. Whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.

Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of you.

Hawkeye

Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...

Or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.

Hawkeye

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you, a lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here. [The two men hug, then Hawkeye boards the helicopter while B. J. mounts his motorcycle, where he shouts over the helicopter] I'll see you back in the States—I promise! But just in case, I left you a note!

Hawkeye

What?!

Margaret Houlihan

[angrily] You're dismissed.

Hawkeye Pierce

Thanks, Mother. We've gotta get up early, anyway, and fix MacArthur's hernia.

Hawkeye Pierce

Sorry, baby.

Margaret Houlihan

That's Major to you!

Hawkeye Pierce

Sorry, Major baby.

Hawkeye Pierce

That's a woman all over.

Best place for them to be.