Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye Pierce

Hey, Ho-Jon, come here. I got a letter from Dean Lodge.

Is that a good place to stay?

Hawkeye Pierce

What does everybody want here? What do these people want more than anything else?

To go home or to Tokyo, whichever comes first.

Hawkeye Pierce

What do they really want?

Sex!

Hawkeye Pierce

Ah!

Except for those baseball perverts.

You want to raffle off a nurse?

Hawkeye Pierce

Is that what I said?

Frank Burns

[spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing up there?

Hawkeye Pierce

I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.

Frank Burns

Since when are you two interested in the Bible?

I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.

Hawkeye Pierce

[describing Lt. Dish] a girl with a face that doesn't quit. A girl with so much body she should be continued on the next girl.

Hawkeye I'm trying to be faithful. How many times must I tell you I'm engaged?

Hawkeye Pierce

I'm engaged too, think of me as a dress rehearsal.

A girl can only take so much.

Hawkeye Pierce

Are we anywhere near that part yet?

Frank Burns

Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!

Hawkeye Pierce

Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm just gonna have to challenge you to a duel.

Swords or pistols?

Hawkeye Pierce

I was thinking specimen bottles at twenty paces.

Hawkeye Pierce

What's this?

Weekend passes for the raffle.

Hawkeye Pierce

When did he sign these?

When he thought he was ordering a ton of ice cream. Fudge ripple

You still haven't told me how I get out of going away with the winner. Why do I have the funny feeling it's going to be you.

Hawkeye Pierce

You don't trust me?

Not since the last time I found you hiding in my sleeping bag.

Latin for "always faithful".

Hawkeye

Well, I'd want to meet the girl first.