Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

Hawk, I never thought I'd use this word in a negative manner, but you're depraved.

Hawkeye

Well what do you expect? I come from the land of the free and the home of depraved.

No self-respecting nurse is going to have anything to do with that [ad].

Hawkeye

That's what I'm counting on.

Hawkeye

Well Beej what do you think this is? (Shows him letters)

You've been drafted.

Hawkeye

Their greetings all right from three nurses with no ounce of self respect. One of whom is in striking distance of sharing a delicious Bordeaux.

And a tasteless Pierce.

Hawkeye

Get your water ready. This might set the tent on fire. (reads first letter) "Dear Hawkeye, I think your contest is a wonderful idea. I really love good wine and I think it would be fun to share a few belts with you. Signed, Chastity."

That one came with its own cold water.

Hawkeye

Send that one to the dead letter office. (reads second letter) "Dear Hawkeye, Bordeaux is one of my favorite wines, along with Maneschevitz. (BJ laughs at remark) During a happier time my husband and I used to share many a bottle back in the states. Drinking this with you would bring back fond memories. Signed, Very Married."

All you get there is a swig and a missus.

Hawkeye

What is this world coming to? Everywhere I look morality.

Read on rebuffed.

Hawkeye

My heart is not in this anymore. (reads third letter) "Dear Hawkeye, I find you an incredibly exciting and vibrant man." I just had a rush of blood to my ego. "Your contest sounds like the perfect appetizer to a wonderfully intimate main course. I must admit wine does make me a little crazy but I'm sure it's nothing you cant handle." Oh this is a sick woman. "I hope you pick me Hawkeye. I have always thought you were all man. Every time you look in my eyes I turn to jelly. Signed, Sweet Preserves."

To think that that nurse is responsible for human lives.

Hawkeye

Home run. Turned her to jelly. What do you think is the look that jars her. Do you think its my :Rudolph Valentino:? Maybe it's the boy next door.

Hawkeye

Do you believe this guy?

If you're that obnoxious, you better be good.

Hawkeye

And, damn it, he is, but he's still a jackass.

Hawkeye

What?

Could've really showed him.

Hawkeye

What? What?

Should've died, right there on the table.

Hawkeye

Wouldn't we have had the last laugh?

Well, you would.

Hawkeye

Well, yeah.

Hawkeye

Margaret, how many times do I have to tell you there are no communists under these beds.

Of course not, they're in the Lenin closet.

Major, you were kind, courteous, and every bit the gentlemen. What do you have up your sleeve?

Perhaps a gun. Does a Winchester carry a Deringer?

Hawkeye

It seems unlikely.

Hawkeye

(Drinking coffee): I'm sorry Father. I don't really feel much like talking. I just had to tell a patient he has leukemia.

Mulcahy

Good heavens. That must have been very difficult for you.

Hawkeye

I didn't want to tell him but he wouldn't let me off the hook. I'm a doctor, a guy looks to me for answers and the only thing I can say is that you have this incurable disease and there is nothing I can do about it. Can't blame this on the war. Can't blame it on anything.

Mulcahy

Especially yourself.

That's very sweet.

Hawkeye

Little twerp, just when I've gotten over him.

How about that. Our old buddy is a tycoon in the making.

Charles

Indeed. Today Ottumwa. Tomorrow Keokuk

Charles

Charles Emerson Winchester, defender of the downtrodden.

Hawkeye

You do all the trodding, that's how they got down.

Hawkeye

All right, what else do we love?

You love dirt?

Hawkeye

Dirt is my life.

All right. To dirt.

Hawkeye

And to the Army that lets us eat it, drink it, breathe it, and salute it.

Do you know how to make a cow say "ah"?

Hawkeye

Not without getting emotionally involved.

Sorry to break up this pow-wow, boys, but Bossie says it's time to call the cab.

Hawkeye

You get her up on the table and I'll hold her hand.

Does anyone know where I can find a cigar that says, "It's a heifer"?

You coming, Winchester? I bet a city fella like you hasn't had a chance to see this before.

Charles

I've also never had the opportunity to swim in a barrel of live squid.

You know how I like mine? Fried up, so the yolk is a glowing yellow jewel in a shimmering alabaster white.

Hawkeye

You'd better have your eggs with a cold shower.

Did you finish your will?

Hawkeye

All except my best friend. Wait, how did you know it was my will?

I've seen a lot of those written here.

Klinger

Captain. You really are alive.

Hawkeye

Nah, that's just a vicious rumor.

Klinger

What are you working on?

Hawkeye

Just... catching up on some overdue paperwork (his will).

Klinger

Get some sleep! If there's one thing I've learned from being company clerk, there's no paperwork that can't wait until tomorrow.

Hawkeye

That's what I used to think.

Charles

Gentlemen, before we adjourn, there is the matter of one Corporal Elmo Hitalski, a most worthy and deserving soldier.

Hawkeye

Him again?

Charles

Admittedly, he's not perfect. But who is?

You're the one who wanted to turn a guy down because he had a Z in his name.