Married... with Children Season 2 quotes

Al

Everyone said no?

Peg

No. Everyone said, "Get lost, deadbeat."

Al

You know, the sad part about this is I lied about my income.

Oh Bud, I never realized how handsome you are.

Thanks for the TVs.

Bud

Excuse me ladies, it is probably my massuesse.

Bud

Good evening Mr. Rhoades. What can I do for you?

Steve

I wanted to talk to your father. He knows a lot about cars; maybe he could help me figure out why my new Mercedes is getting 3 miles per gallon.

Bud

My parents are not home right now. Steve sees girls on couch Look, I don't want to be a bad host, but if you come later? I think I am close to fully understanding "Hef".

Steve

There is something else I want to talk about. Your father has been recently acquiring a lot of stuff. I want some stuff. How did he come into all this?

Bud

I should not say.

Bud, is this going to take long? We need to go soon.

Bud

OK, Mr. Rhoades, you win. They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.

Steve

Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?

Bud

Sure.

Steve

Then it's a-prison he'll be going.

Bud

This is going to be my special day. Any girls call me?

Kelly

Yep, they call you "geek," "dork," "hairy palms."

Steve

So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentine's Day? Fur? Jewels? A car?

Al

If it was only that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah, it's kind of a tradition. Every Valentine's Day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile, and slam-dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.

Steve

I only pray that after 16 years Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.

Al

Steve, if it was magic I could do it from down here in front of the TV.

Marcy

Oh, bunk. You live in this hovel, you bore him those two awful children, and he can't even tell you he loves you? I've heard him say "I love the Cubs", "I'd love a beer." "I'd love it if you'd leave, Marcy." Face it Peggy. This man is no stranger to the word "love".

Al

[walks by Kelly, who is pretending to be a mannequin so she will be able to sneak out] Damn, mannequins look like hookers.

I need shoes!

Al

Yeah, the blacksmith's around the corner.

Bud

Hey, Dad. Report Card day!

Bud

I got four A's and a B. But enough about me. [he turns to Kelly] Batter up.

Kelly

I err...I lost it.

Bud

Well... [Takes report card out of pocket] This is your lucky day [he holds up the card] 'cause I found it. Must have fallen out of your purse and accidentally gotten taped under your bed.

Bud

How'd she do?

Al

Uh, erm... F, F, F, D. What happened, Kel, you attend one?

Marcy

Well, Steve forgave me. He's the most wonderful man in the world...

Peg

Al, why can't you be more like Steve?

Marcy

...and he's impotent!

Peg

My God, you are like Steve.

Al

Are you gonna take my advice?

Marcy

[defeated] Yes.

Al

Okay, Marcy. The first time you tried, was the light on?

Marcy

Yes?

Al

There ya go: he saw ya.

Kelly

Mom, Bud found a corn flake between the refrigerator and the sink and he won't share.

Al

I welcome death!

Are you ready for the final challenge, Steve?

Al

What's it gonna be this time, Bink? Hand grenade down the pants? Spear in the pelvis? Impail me on a fence? Come on Bink, don't keep me in suspense here. The wife need a new car!

Ok Steve, you and Marcy are going up against an old married couple who may not love each other as much as you and your bride. As always we picked them from our studio audience for the way they filled out our questionnaire: Why I Hate My Spouse. From right here in the windy city. He's a shoe salesman. She's a waste of a human life. Married for 16 years meet Al and Peggy Bundy.

Steve

So, you stole our mail and our names, huh?

Peg

How'd you find out?

Steve

Your kids sold you out for a square meal.