Married... with Children · Season 2
I hate men. They're stupid, ignorant animals with stupid ignorant hobbies. And they hated me. But I didn't need them. I had Barbie.
Peg (nostalgic): And I had a very special bathtub toy. (beat): Who's Barbie?
Who's Barbie? America's favorite teenage fashion model, that's who.
Oh, you mean a Barbie doll. Yeah, I had one of those. I gave one to my boyfriend Keith as a symbol of our love. He was gay as a debutante, you know.
To tell you the truth, I never understood the fascination with Barbie. (suggestively): But I sure could strip Ken with my teeth.
Kelly's not the problem, Bud. She has moved up to a good, solid "D." Now, you're the one who's in trouble. We went to your school and saw your social studies report. You know, "Brazil: Land of Rubber and Sunshine"? (holds up a poster-sized photo of Kelly watering the backyard in a bikini with the word "Brazil" posted over it and a paper cutout sun): Would you care to explain this picture of your sister in a bikini?
Well, it illustrates the easy sex in Brazil. So, how'd I do?
Much like your father in life, you failed.
Is it dead, Al?
It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.
Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?
Nah, now it's personal.
[Al is going into the basement.]
Say "cheese." Hello! [fires twice with his rifle]
Is it dead, Al?
It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.
Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?
Nah, now it's personal. Not only will I catch this mouse, I'll torture it. I'll smack him around. I'll throw it against the wall. And, if there's any life left in its twitching, little body, I'll strap it to a chair, tape its eyelids open, and make it watch Thirtysomething.
Did you hear any noises last night, Mom?
Well, your father had gas.
No, these were noises I've never heard before.
Well, it could have been a girl moaning your name.
Bud (to Kelly): Did you hear any noises last night? For a moment, I thought they were coming from your room, but they weren't the usual noises. You know, the whispers...(whispering): "Quiet. You'll wake up my parents." Then the sounds of eight feet heading for the window, followed by the sounds of loose change hitting the pillow.
You know, Bud. With your good looks, you could be a model. I can see it now: your face on a poster that reads, "My Daddy Didn't Use A Condom."
Did you hear any noises last night, Dad?
Ah, it was probably me sobbing.
This is just great. "Daddy, I need money." "Daddy, I need food." "Daddy, I need you to check on a mouse with a broken neck." For once, I'd like it to be, "Al, I'm outta here and I'm taking the kids."
Well, that takes care of that. The traps are set, and that mouse has seconds to live. So as usual, it proves that Daddy's life is dirt, and he's defeated the enemy.
Don't be too sure, Dad. It says right here mice are pretty intelligent.
Yeah, right. Look, Bud. A mouse has a brain about this big.
[Al makes a tiny circle with his forefinger and thumb]
Mine's at least twice that size.
Yeah, but if you only use it half as much, it becomes a fair fight again.
Why are you so afraid of a little mouse anyway?
Well, it all started when I was five. You see, I found this little stray Chihuahua puppy in the yard. I snuck it past my mother and I kept it in my room. I slept with it, and snuggled it, and kissed it. Then one day it got sick.
And still you go on kissing others.
(Peggy shoots Al a look)
Anyway, I took it to my kindergarten teacher, and I said, "What's wrong with my dog?". She said, "That's not a dog, dear. It's a mouse." And then she threw up. And then all the kids threw up. And then they made up this little song about me: "Mouse in your face / Worms in your hair / Where's the little mouse girl? / There, there, there". (She points)
(Al and the kids burst out laughing)
(hurt) Well, that's sweet. Thank you very much.
Well kids, I think we learned something today. Don't touch your mother, she has cooties.
Kids, I am sorry to make such a big fuss over such a little thing like a mouse. But, you know, there are just some things from childhood you just can't forget.
I hope that isn't true, Mom.
How about a hug?
Can't, Mom. You got cooties.
They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.
Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?
Sure.
Then it's a-prison he'll be going.
Well, when the bill comes, it'll come to Buck... What are they gonna do, sue a dog? Arrest him? Cuff 'em? Beat the hell out of 'em? And so what if they did?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
