Al, did you have to come home?
Well, the summer place is all closed up, the yacht's in dry-dock, so I thought: what the hell, let's spend the night at the ghetto home!
S2 E10The Razor's Edge
Marcy, I only want your happiness, preferably at your own house. Because you see, now I have healthy kids, a happy husband, and it has just got to stop.
S2 E11How Do You Spell Revenge?
Peg, we lost to six women...and three men with visible panty lines.
Peg (as she comes in the house): I know, I know. I stink. (slams the door behind her): But it was close.
Al (coldly): We lost. To nuns.
I have never been so humiliated. In front of everyone, you told Sister Mary Alice: "Bless this, honey!"
Hey, I might not know all the religious gestures, but I recognize the one she gave to me.
S2 E12Earth Angel
Hey Peg! I got you something that's gonna make your life much easier.
You got a night job?
No, I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.
Well then, you've been missing work.
[After returning from the bowling riot]
Did you hear something on the news?
Yes, as a matter of fact. They said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.
I got no time, Peg. I gotta go looting!
Tiffany dear, uh come meet our neighbor. He lost a tree but gained a view.
Tiffany, Steve.
Steve, View.
S2 E13You Better Watch Out
[dressed as Santa] Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.
KKid
I wanna sit on your lap.
[dressed as Santa] All right, but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.
Santa's gone. I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again.
Well, you're in the right place.
Oh, buck up. These things happen.
Marcy (shocked over Peg's cavalier attitude): When has this happened?!
Peg (stands up and walks over to Marcy): Come on, Marcy. Cheer up. It could have been worse. He could have landed on the picket fence.
No, no, Nestor. Despite what your mom says, Mr. Bundy doesn't sprout a tail at midnight. But here's a special gift for you: Tell your dad to come home around the time when Mr. Mailman has a special delivery for Mommy. That'll be a real Yuletide treat for Dad.
NNestor
What do I get?
A new home, and a fresh new Mommy.
Thanks for the help, kids! Oh, by the way, listen, if you're thinking about what to get old dad for Christmas, don't worry about it. You've already given it to him - It's called a hernia.
S2 E14Guys and Dolls
Look at them over there. Men are such idiots. And I married their king.
Greatest hobby in the world and women just don't get it.
No, what I just don't get is sex.
That'll be Bud's new hobby.
Sex?
No! Baseball cards.
What's wrong, Kel? Are the contractions coming five minutes apart?
What's wrong, Bud? Puberty five years away?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.