Look, Kel. Just do what I do: use your wits.
I do.
I said, "wits". With a "W".
S4 E3Buck Saves The Day
Isn't this great? Wish it could always be like this. No noses to wipe. No tears to dry. No one to send to their room. It's just so nice without Al.
Mrs. Rhoades, you look lovely this evening.
Why, thank you Kelly.
Can you give me $175 so I can go to a rock concert?
I wouldn't loan my own daughter $175. (to herself): Hopefully, I'll like her.
(Peg pulls Kelly aside)
Kelly, how many times do I have to tell you: Mommy's friends are to loan Mommy money.
Kelly (dejected): My life is over. (points to Marcy, who's fixing her lipstick): I might as well be her.
(After Kelly wins at Poker by cheating)
Kelly, I didn't want to say anything to the girls, but I saw you cheating. You know what you have to do.
(sighs): Yes, Mommy. (beat): The usual 50%
Let's make it 60, just to teach you a lesson.
(as Kelly forks over the money, a howling noise can be heard outside)
Kelly, can't your dates just honk the horn like they did in my day?
(Peg opens the door. Buck comes in with a letter in his mouth)
Hey look, it's Buck!
Didn't he go camping with the boys?
(notices the letter) He's carrying something in his mouth.
(Buck growls)
I guess he'll give it to us when he's good and ready.
(Peg and Kelly walk away, leaving Buck laying down on the couch)
(Al's scary story to the kids)
Once upon a time, there was a young boy. A boy, full of hope. He was single, thus he was happy. Then, one night, much like tonight. Something rose from the swamp. He heard a noise behind him. Thump-thump, thump-thump. He walked a little faster. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. And then he saw it. And there, in the light of a bar...stood the evil, red-headed, high-heeled, spandex monster. He ran from it. He stood it up. He dated others, but nothing could stop it. He could hear its wild call: (scrunches up his face, in a high voice): Oh, honey! Honey! It was horrible. Finally, it trapped him. Opened, opened its hideous mouth, bared its fangs, and said, (scrunches his face up again, in the same high voice): Marry me!
VVictor
And did he marry it, Dan'l?
Yes, I'm afraid he did. And he was never heard from again. But the worst part of it is... there's still some of them out there. There might be one... (points) behind that tree!
(The kids all yell and wheel around)
Then again, there might not be. But beware. Because wherever a man is free and has change in his pockets, they'll come a-creeping, and they can't be stopped. Now sleep... if you can. (laughs evilly)
Hi, Al! (notices the kids): Oh, hi, neighborhood tykes!
VVictor
Hey, it's the guy who gives us potatoes on Halloween.
(as the poker game begins and Kelly decides to join after seeing Peg, Marcy, Louise, and Fern with wads of money)
Okay, great. Now, who's got change for a dollar? I wanna cash Al's paycheck. (everyone laughs)
Oh, Kelly. Just do what I did when I was your age: push your way to the road manager and tell him, "It's worth letting me in. Ask anybody." And, if anyone touches you, scream, "Jailbait!"
S4 E4Tooth Or Consequences
Dad, Dad, I had a girl here last night.
Bud, I got no time for your jokes now. My teeth are killing me.
MMan
Hey, Bundy! I had steak tonight. What are you havin'?
If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife.
Ah, home sweet hell.
S4 E5He Ain't Much, But He's Mine
Peggy, I really don't think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know, and as far as his desirability... Al ranked below ALF, which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it than with your husband.
Hey, Mom, do you think Dad is cheating on you?
Oh, of course not!
Good, because we don't want to see you and Dad break up. We're almost like a family here.
S4 E7Desperately Seeking Miss October
ASAl's Father
So, how's tricks? How are the kids?
Fine.
ASAl's Father
How are my Playboys?
You know, huh?
ASAl's Father
[sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.
S4 E8976-Shoe
Hi, Al. Did you have a good day?
I came home. How good could it have been?
(looking at the phone bill) Hey we qualify for the gold bill, family! [all getting excited hovering over Al] Family, please, let's all contain the excitement until after I'm dead.
Milwaukee. Milwaukee. That sounds like the town they centered around your mother, eh, Peg?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.