Well, kids, we have no more credit cards. Let this be a lesson to ya: Marry someone who can afford you.
S4 E8976-Shoe
What can I do better than anyone else?
Stink up a shoe?
Sweat through the couch?
Miss the toilet in the dark?
Oh, Dad. Mrs. Donnelly called and she said her slipper won't fit over her bunion and she wants to know what she should do.
Start walking on all fours the way God intended her to.
Ed MacMahon says I may owe him $10,000,000?!
Peg (skeptically): Eh, what are the chances of it really being you?
Al (as he looks over the phone bill): Milwaukee, Milwaukee, Milwaukee -- that's the town they built around your mother, isn't it, Peg?
S4 E9Oh, What A Feeling
Daddy, can't we do this after we get ice cream?
Al(after a beat): Kelly, we already got ice cream and we're home. Get out of the car.
(Kelly gets out.)
I didn't get any.
(Al sighs)
Kelly, get back in the car.
(Al looks under the hood)
Kelly (to Bud): Bud, did you get ice cream?
Bud (offhand): Uh, yeah, Kel. It was great.
Kelly (pouting): Where was I?
Are you sure you know what you're doing in there?
Y'know, Bud, you're starting to sound like your mother. Aha! Yeah, I see there's some dirt on the round thing. All right, I think I got it. Kelly, turn it on.
Uh, Dad, you might wanna tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against it.
Al(to Bud): Kelly knows what she's doing, Bud, she's not an idiot. (to Kelly) Use the key, honey.
(Kelly tries. The car makes a dying sound. Al sighs and closes the hood.)
Ah, it's no use. I know that sound. That's a death rattle. I make it myself every morning. Let's go in the house. Get out of the car, Kelly.
Kelly (muttering as she gets out): Get in the car. Get out of the car. Get in the car. Get out of the car. You know, you're starting to sound like one of my dates. They promise me ice cream too, but they never give me any.
They exit into the house and shut the door. The hood opens.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Kelly.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Bud.
Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.
I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it work?
Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?
Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?
Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.
I want a Cadillac.
I want a Ferrari.
I want a Porsche.
Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting.
Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.
If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my house, my... [gives Peg a significant nod]
All right, everybody, let's hold it right there. Now, how long have I known you guys? What, about two, 300 years? In that time I have learned to do without several things. A yacht, a summer home, love, respect, food. I can accept that. But I will live not one more day without a car that runs. So no more advice. I will go find my own used car lot, and if I come home tonight, God willing, it will be behind the wheel of something that goes "vroom." Al Bundy pushes no more. Now get out of my car.
S4 E10At The Zoo
GSGirl Scout
You can't tell me you're not hungry. My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.
Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.
GSGirl Scout
[holds up a box of cookies] It's food.
[takes the box of macaroons] All right, gimme a box of these macaroons.
GSGirl Scout
[snatches it back from Al] Cash only, deadbeat.
I don't have any cash. Gimme some credit?
GSGirl Scout
[walks off] Eat a bug.
Wet a bed.
Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.
A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?
S4 E11It's A Bundyful Life: Part 1
Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?
Five bowls a-flushing?
Four 'roids a-throbbing?
Three nose hairs waving?
Two children starving?
One untouched wife.
[to some kids] Who wants to hear about the red-haired Grinch that stole Uncle Al's life?
Al is knocked out. He is revived by a strange man
Hey Al, are you OK?
How did you know my name?
Because I am your guardian angel.
Then prove it. If you are an angel can you make my Christmas lights work?
Angel snaps fingers and lights are fully functional
Nice! Hmm, what else could I ask for?
Oh come on Bundy, do not be a wish pig!
You are right. Tell you what, forget about the lights and use your power to make the Hee Haw girls appear.
Angel{laughing}: I have been waiting for them to die too!
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
No food was a-stirrin'
Not even a mouse.
Stockings were hung 'round Dad's neck like a tie.
Along with a note that said, "Presents or Die!"
Children were plotting all night in their beds.
While the wife's constant whining was splitting his head.
But Daddy had money
This year in the bank.
But then they closed up early
Now Dad's in the tank.
(later on)
...then all of a sudden, Santa appeared.
A sneer on his face
And booze on his beard.
"Santa," I said as he laughed merrily,
"You do so much for others.
"Do something for me"
"Bundy," he said, "You only sell shoes
"Your son is a sneak-thief
"Your daughter's a flooze
"Ho-ho," Santa said, "Shall I mention your wife?
"Her hair's like the A-bomb
"Her nails are like knives"
Then he went to the chimney
That fat piece of dung
He mooned me two times
Then stuck out his tongue.
And I heard him exclaim
As he broke wind with glee,
"You're married with children! You'll never be free."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.