Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Al

See, that car has been with us in good times and bad times.

Peg

And when are we getting to the good times?

Al

When you're on life support.

Peg

You never bring me flowers.

Al

I would if you died.

Did you play pro ball?

Al

Well, I could have, but I had a career ending accident.

Knee?

Al

Marriage.

Al

You know, Peg, I hate to be a needy husband, a demanding husband and your husband, but where the hell is my pie tin?

Peg

Why don't you check under the couch where I keep all the other dirty dishes?

Al

Once again Peg, way to home make. See now, I can't quite reach.

Peg

Here, wanna try my bonbon retriever?

Al

This pie tin is worth 25 cents towards one of Aunt Matty's famous sweet potato pies.

Marcy

Well, if she's so famous, how come I haven't heard of her?

Al

I don't know. Maybe because she doesn't make chicken pies.

Marcy

Great, Al. Now you can put that metal plate back in your head. Of course, that's like putting a lid on an empty jar.

Al

Or a bra on you.

Al

We have two eager, young boys hanging around us. Do you know what that makes us?

Griff

Michael Jackson?

Al Bundy, you are charged with Crimes Against Obesity.

2, 4, 6, 8, Don't make fun of our weight. 2, 4, 6, 8, Don't make fun of our Weight!

Al

[standing up] 1, 2, 3, 4, You're gonna fall through the floor.

Al

Are we finished here?

Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.

Al

I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell "Moo" and I'll stop.

That's it, I'm taking my business elsewhere.

Al

May I suggest Jenny Craig.

With this attitude, you're gonna be working here for the rest of your life.

Al

Well take a gander in the seat next to you if you want to see what your future looks like.

Come Penelope, let's go someplace where the treat us with respect.

Al

I'd try the Moon, you'll weigh less there.

Where do you think you're going? Aren't you open?

Al

Sorry ma'am, but unlike your mouth, we occasionally close.

I want my money back! These shoes fell apart after only one day and I wanna know why!

Griff

Well you see, ma'am, this is a pliant heel with a cork filling...

Al

Whereas you are a giant seal with a pork filling.

You haven't heard the last of this! What goes around comes around!

Al

Well judging by your orbit, looks like I have about ten more years.

Mr.Bundy, you had a month to get this place in shape.

Al

You had your whole life to get yourself in shape and you don't see me condeming you.

Peg

Oh, Al! It's time for your conjugal visit.

Al

No! No! Help me!

Peg

Shut up Al! You're my bitch now!

Peg

Al, I don't like these twin beds. It's unnatural.

Al

Anything involving you in a bed is unnatural, Peg. Just put on your snore strap and go to sleep.

Peg

Al, don't make me stop shopping. You'll destroy my life.

Al

Good; then we'll be even.