Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Bud

Something burning? Has Mom been ironing?

Al

No. Nothing as unusual as that. I sold my soul to the devil.

Kelly

For riches and diamonds?

Bud

Kelly, we're talking about Dad's soul.

Kelly

For a Canadian penny?

All right, Mr. Bundy: since you find hell such a picnic, uh, how about this? For the rest of eternity, you'll never see your family again.

Al

This is heaven.

Actually, Al, I'm involved.

Al

Who's the lucky guy?

Barbara.

Al

Barbara? Sounds like he's a little light in the loafers.

Actually, she's a little heavy in the construction boots.

Al

How did a thing like this happen to you? Were you stood up to the prom? Go to prison? I know, it was summer camp, wasn't it? You sprained a muscle skinny dipping, and the beautiful blond counselor, let's call her Betty, carried you back to her cabin and gave you a massage; and before you knew it, you were a love slave in an all-girls sex cult.

Yeah, that's what happened. You saw that in a video, didn't you, Al?

Al

Yeah, my favorite.

Mine, too. So you don't have a problem with two women being together?

Al

No, as long as there's a guy watching.

Al

It was a bad day today, Peg. One minute the biggest woman in the world was in front of me. I was trying to wedge a size four on her foot with my lucky shoe horn. The next minute she was gone.

Peg

The woman died in your store?

Al

Not the woman Peg, the shoe horn. Look at it Peg, crushed like a beer can at a Raiders game.

Peg

Al, I'm afraid. Hold me.

Al

Peg, Peg, my life's in danger here. It's important I maintain my will to live.

I've got to restock the store, and so I'm donating all of these old shoes to poor Filipino orphans.

Al

Well, they made them; why would they want them back?