Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Al

Hey, Peg, you know what I was dreaming about at work today?

Peg

Me, Al?

Al

Yes, Peg.

Peg

Was I in bed?

Al

Yes you were. In fact, I tied you up.

Peg

Ooh, well, that sounds so kinky, Al. What were you doing?

Al

Cindy Crawford.

Al

Hey, Griff, Where's your Christmas spirit?

Griff

My ex-wife got it in the divorce settlement.

Excuse me, do you have pumps in my size?

Al

Yes I do, but the Society For the Prevention of Cruelty to Shoes would not allow me to sell them to you.

I hope you get coal in your stocking on Christmas morning.

Al

And I hope you get Slim Fast in yours.

Jefferson

(reading the assembly instructions) Let's see here. I've got Bracket S and Washer T. Hey, Dan. Hand me Screw U.

Officer Dan

What?

Jefferson

I said Screw U.

Officer Dan

(angry) Well, up yours, you-! (draws his gun on Jefferson)

Al

(stepping between them) Focus, gentlemen! Focus, focus!

Al

When did you leave?

Peg

Yesterday.

Al

No wonder the sex was good then last night.

Griff

That doesn't look like a "C"!

Al

When your blood has more alcohol than plasma, they're all tough letters.

Al

Marcy, me and that Dodge have been together a long time.

Marcy

So have you and your hair and you got rid of that.

Marcy

Please Al, my job is on the line.

Al

Oh, well that changes nothing.

Al

Hey, what's the bed for?

Come on, Mr. Bundy! You're a married man.

Al

What's the bed for?

Kelly

Daddy, wanna know what I think?

Al

Oh, this should be good.

Kelly

Now, like a great eastern religion says, it's all about striking a balance between the ping and the pong.

Al

Go get my noose, boy.

Look: I'm a 5, and you are going to sell me a 5 if I have to sit here all night.

Al

So because you're mad at me, you're gonna take it out on a perfectly innocent chair? A chair that has suffered enough already.

Well, I have just about had enough of you.

Al

Well, you wouldn't say that if I came with fries and a medium drink. You know, medium: the size between small and you.

Al

I can't believe you're still upset about that little practical joke.

Griff

You sent me to Death Row.

Al

You made a few close friends. And they gave you a cool nickname, Black Beauty.

Griff

Mrs. Black Beauty.

Al

You said you wanted to remarry.

Griff

Yeah but not to a 250-pound Filipino.

Al

Since when are you prejudiced?

Griff

They strapped me in the electric chair.

Al

We would have rescued you sooner, but when you order a burger well-done, it oughta come well-done.

Peg

Uh, honey, why don't you stay home and bowl me over?

Al

Because, Peg, I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.

Officer Dan

Al, I thought we agreed you weren't going to carry a gun.

Al

Don't worry. I know how to handle this thing.

Peg

That's what he said on our honeymoon.

Jefferson

Look, Al, God forbid she doesn't make it -- the important thing is you get right back on the horse.

Al

Well, thanks, Jefferson, but how's sex with my wife gonna make me feel any better?