Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Al

Hi Peg. How was Oprah?

Peg

Oprah wasn't on today.

Al

Oprah won't be on tomorrow either, Peg. Why?! Cause I had the cable company take her off, see.

Peg

The Guy Package.

Al

With Femblock! See, it's a new service they offer men and a few female tennis players who are tired of watching girly crap. See, Peg, it's my week off and I want to spend it watching quality programing.

Peg

Oh, you mean watching monster movies, jiggly shows and the Three Stooges.

Al

Soitenly!

Thanks for signing my inner thigh, Mr. Bundy

Al

Now, now, Beth. We promised not to speak of such things in front of Les Misérables.

I'll have your jobs for this.

Al

Fine, if we can trade for what's in your fridge.

Peg

Al, I think this thing is broken.

Al

Peg, unlike many of your other devices, this one doesn't need batteries.

Peg

You know, I've always wanted a place where I could stretch out and do nothing.

Al

Well, get in the car: I'll take you to the morgue.

Al

It's a remote control override. Peg. They're on sale at the Real Man's Shop.

Peg

Well, while you were there, why didn't you pick up a real man?

Al

Don't push it, Peg. It also overrides all of your other handheld electronic devices.

I don't understand, I was a size six before Aerobic class. All that jumping must've expanded my foot.

Al

And I see you must've fallen on your butt a time or two.

[Picks up her sneakers] How dare you say that to my face?

Al

Well, I'd say it to your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas!

Peg

And to think I could've had any man on the football team.

Al

Peg, you had them all.

Kelly

Let's call him Lucky. Lucky Bundy.

Al

I was saving that name for my tombstone.

Bud

I've put all the family finances right here on this computer.

Al

You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.

Peg

You know, that reminds me of our sex life.

Al

That's putting something I have into something I don't like.

Jefferson

I think I got a way to put an end to all of this.

Al

Well, if you got the tailpipe, I got the lips.

Peg

Now, that is a real man, not some high school football hero who got married and turned to mush.

Al

Well, I guess it's true what they say: you are what you marry.

Marcy

What's Mr. Potato Head doing here?

Al

Well, I don't know: you married him.

Marcy

Not that Mr. Potato Head, the one that's actually worth something.

Al

I would like to start with a genuine picture of the Loch Ness Monster.

Jefferson

My God, Al, that's horrific. What the hell is it?

Al

A picture of Peg's mom in the bathtub.

Al

Why are you doing this to me, Marcy?

Marcy

Because God's on vacation and He wants me to fill in.