CColeman
Hi, I'm the building code inspector. Are you the one that called?
AlI am. (blinks, then points): Aren't you...
CColeman
No! Don't even ask. I'm not him. I've never been him. I can't even stand the little creep. (as he walks in the Bundy house): Now, I understand you wanted to report an illegal driveway.
Al
Yes, I did, Inspector. (points outside): That one right out there. If you look carefully, you can see that it's built nowhere near code. I know, because I built it myself out of ground-up women's shoes. How much is the fine?
Coleman (cheerfully): Well, since you turned yourself in, I think I'll let it go at $100.
Al
I see, and what if I said I built it that way just to make you look like an idiot?
Coleman (slightly offended): Then that would be $1500.
And what if we called you a moron to boot?
Coleman (getting madder): $2000.
Are you sure you're not Gary Coleman from Diff'rnt Strokes?
Coleman (angrily): $5000! (tears off the citation and hands it to Al, who raises his hands)
Al
Don't give it to me. It's not my driveway. It belongs to those people right next door, but they might not let you in, because the only black person they respect is Ted Danson.
Coleman (glares at Al): Whatchu talkin' about, Bundy? (realizes he outed himself with his catchphrase): Aw, hell! Now I gotta fine myself!
We're going to the Burned Beyond Recognition concert. We received two free tickets as a consolation prize from the Rick Dees show.
Wait, Daddy's the reason that we don't have those tickets. We should have them.
Al
Are you kidding me? You don't know what I had to go through to get those tickets. You don't know where I've been. And believe me, it wasn't Tahiti.
But Dad, you don't even like B.B.R.
Al
Well, I don't like S-E-X with M-O-M, but it's my J-O-B.
[Al is trying to remove a shoe off a fat woman with Dexter when Peg has called him to sing to her.]
Come on, Al, I really wanna hear "Wind Beneath My Wings."
Al
Then jump off the roof, Peg.
Al
Well we had a good time. Well you had a good time while mine blew chunks. I'd like to remind you, son, while you're figuring out my score, that if I don't get my driver's license, that means I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, that means I'll have to stay home. And I'll be home all the time. Day and night. When you bring your dates over, I will be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't you, son.
Not the ones that read "If you lived here, you'd be home now."
Al
And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheez-Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, son, HOW'D I DO?!!!
Bud{initimated}: You passed.
Al
Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go out to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.
Outside? But Daddy, what if someone sees my pimple?
Al
Pumpkin, it's dark. No one is going to see the pimple.
I guess you're right. I guess I'm just being silly, huh?
[Kelly opens the front door]
MOMan on street
Woah, look at the zits on the blonde chick!
Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?
Al
Well, let's see: I have an unemployed actress for a daughter... a son who'd have sex with a fire hydrant...and...
Oh, happy day. My TV Guide cover collector plates are here.
Al
That! Gee, I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike.
Al
Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg?
Well, as a matter of fact you haven't.
Al
Well, then, maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.
Married... with Children · 613 quotes
