Mom, I had a horrible day, and I could really use some motherly advice right now.
Shut up, Bud. Oprah is doing a show on mothers who don't pay attention to their sons.
It's a remote control override. Peg. They're on sale at the Real Man's Shop.
Well, while you were there, why didn't you pick up a real man?
Don't push it, Peg. It also overrides all of your other handheld electronic devices.
[Al is trying on shoes for a fat woman named Matilda.]
MMatilda
I don't understand, I was a size six before Aerobic class. All that jumping must've expanded my foot.
And I see you must've fallen on your butt a time or two.
MMatilda
[Picks up her sneakers] How dare you say that to my face?
Well, I'd say it to your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.