Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Al

Al Bundy, all class, all the time.

Wait a second: Al Bundy, the All-State Al Bundy?

Al

I was.

I thought you died in Vietnam.

Al

Well, uh, actually, I, uh, started that rumour. See, truth be told, I died here at home, victim of Agent Red.

It's time for Jerry Srpinger, the mas......

Al

Tonight's brodcast of the Masculine Feminist has been commandeered by the secret society called NO MA'AM. The National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.

Al

I would reveal my true identity, but for political reasons, I can not. But do not take me lightly, I once played football in high school.

Kelly

That guy played football in high school.

Al

Every day for the past 30 years you high-heeled pitbulls blamed us for everything. From not being able to go to Harvard to not being able to get into strech pants.

We've been called pigs.

We've been called scum.

Jefferson

We've even been called Ply wood bottoms.

Jefferson

Or at least I have.

Al

But we're sick and tired of it. Now we have a list of demands and if these demands are not met, we're going to take this masculine feminist and we're going to perform television's first sexorcism.

Al

Tell them what that is Jefferson.

Jefferson

[removes mask] My name's Hank.

Al

Right. Sorry Hank

Jefferson

That's ok Al.

Jefferson

Anyway if these demands go unheeded, not only we'll Jerry to watch hours of Pro Wrestling. But we'll force him to watch them in these.

Jefferson

A Stinky yellow undershirt and a pair of boxers which reads "It's All Me."

Al

Miss D, you are a working woman. What are your feelings about Roe v. Wade?

Gosh, I don't know that much about boxing! But I do know my job is to take the winner out to dinner!

Al

[Al takes off trench coat to reveal a floral print muumuu] What?

Kelly

How much did they cut off, Daddy?

Peg

Well Mr. Grumpy's home.

Al

(in a trench coat) Just one word of warning: Anyone who says what's up, goes down. It wasn't funny when the doctor asked it. It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it and it certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it.

Peg

Then again, I've been asking for years.

Al

Is that you son?

Bud

Yeah dad. What's up?

Al

(decks Bud) Any other questions?

Jefferson

Relax Al. You are not the only man to go through this. I was circumcised too.

Al

Really? How did you deal with the pain?

Jefferson

Hard to remember. I was one day old when they did it to me.

Coming up next, modeling next year's line of thong bikinis!

We now take you to Cirque de Soleil, known for elaborate stunts, and of course those limber French contortionists in tiny leotards!

Al

AUGH! Why did they to do that now?! OK, third time should be something dry.

National Geographic presents...

Al

Perfect!

...a documentary on Brazil, a country famous for its rain forests, cultural diversity, carnivals, and of course, invented the thong bikini!

Peg

Al, guess what I got?

Al

You got a Christmas present for me?

Peg

Uh, no, but I could go back out again. Do you got any money?

Al

Well, I was saving up for a bullet.

Al

Oh, my God. The power's off, there's no tv. What are we going to do ,Peg?

Peg

Well, we could cuddle.

Al

Be serious, Peg.

For those of you who missed the first 53 airings, NBC is proud to present Cheers, the final episode.

Peg

What does Cheers have to do with Christmas?

Al

What does NBC have to do with television?

Peg

[as Al changes channels on the TV] Now, there you go, you're going too fast. Come on, Al...what was that? What was that? What was that?

Al

A Bewitched with Dick York, not Dick Sargent as Darrin; a Gilligan where the gorilla came to the island; a Full House family Christmas story where they were snowed in at the airport; and a study of the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Philippe, not Jacques, Cousteau.

Peg

You can see all that, and yet, you can't see the rim around the toilet?

Al

I see what I wanna see, Peg.

See, I told you I was a four.

Al

No ma'am, fore is what you when the shoe pops off your foot. Are we finished here?

Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.

Al

I'll teel you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell "Moo" and I'll stop.

That's it, I'm taking my business elsewhere.

Al

May I suggest Jenny Craig.

Peg

So tell me, Al, what do you really think.

Al

Well I think you look....

I think you look.... A. Old. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers slight head trama. (Buzzer) B. Good After 10 Beers. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers severe head trauma. (Buzzer) C. Beautiful. Consequences: Groin pull after failure to keep a straight face. (Buzzer) D. Nice. Consequences: Meaningless compliment accepted. Meaningless marriage continues. (Right answer bell)

Al

Nice.

Peg

I wish they'd hurry up and fix our cable.

Al

Me too. I hate nature shows. How much longer do we have to watch the mating habits of the sea anemone?

Peg

Well, at least it's better than watching them act out Martin. I just didn't buy it when Bud kept saying, "I gots ta have it!"