Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Fill 'er up, sir?

Al

Nope. Making a delivery.

Al

Yeah, whatever.

And the Atlanta Braves take the field.

Kelly

[on Seven] He's not even a real Bundy.

Bud

He's no kind of Bundy! Bundy's a name you earn. Our emotional scars run so deep you can almost see them.

Al

Yep, it's a point of pride. Ever since the day the first Bundy stepped off the Mayflower... halfway over. They never found him, but they recorded his final words: "Methinks we're here!" Pioneers like that, and ourselves, we're the real Bundys. Why, that kid never had to hear any kind of real rejection. Not until he's heard, "the service entrance is in back!"

Bud

Or, "not even for fifty bucks."

Kelly

Yeah, or "don't ruin it by talking."

Bud

Hi Dad. We're having sort of a secret ceremony here.

Al

Not secret enough, son.

Kelly

Daddy.

Al

What?

Kelly

I forgot. Oh, yeah! Daddy.

Al

What?

Kelly

I forgot again. Don't say "what" next time.

Al

Okay, Pumpkin.

Kelly

Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. DADDY!

Al

WHAT?

Kelly

Now you made me forget again.

Kelly

Daddy.

Al

Damn, what is that good for to do? You just gonna forget.

Kelly

No, I won't. Daddy.

Al

What?

Kelly

I forgot.

Bud

Hooters?

Al

Playboys?

Bud

Playboys.

Al

Hooters.

YES! YES! YES!

Al

[removes a plunger from a wall safe] This is a job for Old Betsy.

Peggy

Why do all plungers have girls' names, Al?

Al

Because the cavemen used to hold their women by the feet for a job like this.

Peg

You know what would really help me go to sleep?

Al

Yes I do Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.

Kelly

(calmly) Daddy, beat him up.

Al

(instantly) Of course, pumpkin.

Al

And that's why cable will never replace the moviegoing experience. (puts his arms around Peg, Bud, and Kelly's shoulders)

Al

Aw, now, Peg. You gave it your best shot.

Peg

You mean you're not disappointed, Al?

Al

Disappointed, Peg? It's the only way it could be. I wanted it, I needed it, I deserved it. How else could it have turned out?

Peg

So it's your fault?

Al

From the minute I said "I do."

Al

It doesn't work any more, Peg.

Peg

What doesn't work?

Al

It.

Peg

How can you tell?

Al

I've been reading Playboy, Biguns, Littluns, Inbetweenuns -- nothing. Then I remembered it hasn't worked since the afternoon I saw Marcy do that horrible thing at the bank meeting. Marcy killed it Peg. You made it sick, but Marcy killed it.

Al

Marcy, why are you here?

Marcy

I want to talk with Peggy, privately.

Al

No. Why are you here on Earth?

Marcy

Peggy, guess what happened at work today.

Al

A hold-up man gave you his mask to wear?

Marcy

Turn that disgusting thing off [Changes the channel on Al's TV] Here, watch this. Steel Magnolias

Al

What's Boris Karloff doing in a dress?

Marcy

That's Shirley MacLaine, you baco-bit.

Al

Well, I owe Boris an apology.

Marcy

You owe everything an apology

Al

New cars for everybody! Peg, would you like a BMW?

Peg

Well, I kinda see myself in a Jaguar.

Al

Oh, if only we could find one that hungry.

Al

Oh, how I hate Halloween. Ask me how much I hate Halloween. More than that. Oh, how they make us employees wear costumes like some woman is going to say "Gee I wasn't planning to buy any shoes today, but since I seen you in a dinosaur costume, I will." Oh, the ride home from work wouldn't been so bad if the kids actually got gas instead of painting the needle full. Then again, I don't mind pushing the Dodge through gang turf because I'm a mighty stegosaurus. By the way, did I mention how much I hate Halloween?!

'(mentally) Go away.

Al

Of course!

Oh, this? I have the power to appear as anyone. I can be your worst nightmare. I can be your wildest fantasy. I can be my worst nightmare. But, then again, why would I want to go around looking like Sally Struthers?