Francis, I don't want to have another argument again! You are going to fix the roof!
S2 E19"Tutoring Reese"
[upon learning that Malcolm took Reese's test for him]
[to Malcolm] You took that test, didn't you? You cheated! [to Reese] You let him cheat for you? [to Mr. Woodward] YOU GAVE SOMETHING HE WROTE AN "F"?! You are out to get him! Oh, I can't wait to see you expelled or disbarred or whatever it is they do to creepy little men who abuse their power!
WMr. Woodward
There is no need for name calling. I suggest we just leave things as they are.
Oh, I don't think so!
WMr. Woodward
Here's the situation: if you notify the school, then the school will find out Malcolm cheated and he'll be expelled.
Don't you threaten me!
WMr. Woodward
This isn't a threat. I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.
[points to Malcolm] You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese.
What?!
Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.
WMr. Woodward
I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.
[Francis appears in the window, pressed against the glass, while rain pours down and lightning flashes.]
Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! [sobbing]
[Lois smiles victoriously. Woodward looks rather apprehensive.]
WWoodward
Maybe we can work something out.
S2 E20"Bowling"
[goes back to a photo booth near the door] Reese, get out of the photo booth.
[Reese peeks out jut in time to see the large man that he threw a bowling ball at, intending for Malcolm, waiting for him. He inserts a dollar bill in the booth]
You probably want your privacy. I'll get out of your way.
[The large man pushes him back into the photo booth. Reese is heard screaming as he is getting his ass kicked with photos to prove it.]
[Dewey fakes crying to Lois as she walks towards his room carrying a laundry basket.]'
Not Buying It.
Why Can I go bowling too?
Because you are spending the night in your room. You are being punished and tomorrow you're going town to the store and buy Mrs. MacNabb a new parakeet.
Aww Dad!
Don't look at me. As far as you boys are concerned, your mom and I are a united front.
[At the house on both sides. On one side is Lois watching T.V. with Dewey in a channel he isn't enjoying. On Hal's home side, Dewey is eating pizza and watching a movie. In both scenes, they see the car's flashing lights. On Lois' home side, she carries Dewey to his room and tucks him to bed. On Hal's side, he walks into his room and drags his father out of bed and onto the couch. Dewey hands Hal a pizza slice before heading back into his room. In both sides, Hal and Lois comes home with the boys.]
LHLois and Hal
[Home side] So how'd it go?
HLHal and Lois
[Bowling side] Next time, you take them.
Check it out, Beth Ballard's here.
Yeah, I heard she's the reason why Mr. Thomas got fired.
[Lois shows up after paying for the boy's one pair of shoes and notices there are no parents around.]
You can go now, thanks for the ride.
Where are the parents? Are there no parents here?
Mom, please don't....
WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?! Who's chaperoning this?
Mom, we don't need a chaperone.
[ignoring Reese] Ok, it's me.
S2 E21"Malcolm vs. Reese"
How am I ever gonna decide which one of you to take?
You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?
No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.
[Malcolm and Reese look dejected]
Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!
We are happy!
You're not doing the happy dance.
OOfficer
There's no sign of forced-entry. You don't have any idea how they could have got inside?
It's a mystery.
You left the window open.
...Mystery solved!
OOfficer
What are you doing here again?
We're watching the owner's cat.
OOfficer
I don't see a cat.
We're not doing a very good job.
[Francis and his date are pulled over by a police officer.]
2Officer 2
License and registration, please.
Officer, what did I do?
2Officer 2
This car was reported stolen.
Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?
[digs into wallet to find nothing but a small slip saying "It Gets Worse!"]
2Officer 2
I'm not gonna ask you again.
Sir, I know this looks bad...
[Francis and the cop hears banging in the trunk]
2Officer 2
Open the trunk!
Officer, let me explain...
2Officer 2
OPEN THE TRUNK!!!!
[Francis unlocks the trunk as the officer opens it and finds Malcolm & Reese in the back tied up]
2Officer 2
GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!!!!!
S2 E22"Mini-Bike"
What's the matter, Craig?
What does it say on this jar?
"Craig."
Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...
Are you counting the one in your hand?
Ok, false alarm.
So, according to your logic, a two-foot fall from a mini-bike is more dangerous than a six-foot fall from a galloping horse?
That was a long time ago.
Before... gravity?
(turns the truck on) I don't know why we have to go across town. It seems kind of silly.
Craig, I promise. It's the best ice cream in town.
Well, I'll be the judge of that.
[backs up the truck and runs over something, making a loud thud; he stops the truck]
What was that?!
[Dewey moves a rock out of the driveway to fool Craig into thinking that it was Reese's leg that he ran over]
(non-emotional) Ow! Ow, my leg! Ow! Ow!
[Dewey rolls eyes and hits Reese's bump. He begins sobbing and screaming]
(quickly gets out of his truck, panicking) Oh, my God, what did I do?!
You ran over his leg!
Oh, no!
(runs outside) What happened? (sees Reese injured) Oh, my God, Reese!
[Reese continues sobbing loudly as Malcolm & Dewey look at each other and smile as their plan worked]
(leaving) Jellybean and I are leaving now. Once again, I'm very sorry. I can't even look you people in the eye.
[Once gone, Lois decides to call it even knowing her sons' plans got Craig out of the house.]
Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.
[The cadet runs when Spangler turns his attention to Francis]
Francis!
On no, I'm glad you saw this because this is exactly what I was talking about. Always underminding my authority, day in, day out. It's the same thing. Like when I made Cadet Dooley do 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillow case violation, Francis organizes a sit in. Or when I cut off the electricity in the 5th floor for contraband boom-box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.
He was hugging his dad!
In front of his father he still defies me at every turn.
And everytime something like this happens, he challenges you.
Every time.
Even though he knows he'll get in trouble.
That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.
I understand.
(turns to Francis) I will deal with you, later.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.