Spangler (referring to the damage the local girls wrought): I'd say we got off lucky. This happened once before in '72; we had to bulldoze the Ampitheater.
S2 E4"Dinner Out"
[Kitty] won't let me have butter on my bread. Butter. I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.
How'd this happen? I mean, we weren't always this way.
Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.
Poor bastard. You never had a chance.
Damn it. Enough is enough! (gobbles down miniature slabs of butter and drinks a shot)
You go, Abe!
Local girls?! There are local girls inside the perimeter?! Have they killed anyone?[...] Do you have any idea what you've done?! Marlin Academy cannot exist without the support, the goodwill and co-operation of the local community! The Police Chief and the Mayor both sit on our Board of Governers, the Fire Chief is a regent...and right now, their psychotic offspring are in there tearing up the floorboards! It won't be long before they're in the air ducts...!
What are we gonna do, sir?
We are going to do what any self-respecting member of society does in a situation like this: we're going to keep it quiet.
JJoe
But they're destroying the school.
Let's hope that's all they do, cadet. I'm afraid this is like an oil fire -- we have to let it burn itself out.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. One of them started an oil fire.
Stevie [to Reese]: Crying on command got me a cable modem!
[After Stevie punches Reese]
Stevie, what the hell do you think you're doing?! You are in so much trouble! This behavior is totally unacceptable! We are at a restaurant. What is wrong with you? (Stevie is about to speak) Don't you take that tone with me! You just wait till we get home!
He bruised the bone.
Oh, like you didn't deserve it. (to Kitty) Good for you! I knew you had it in you.
Shut your trap!
WWaiter
Excuse me, don't you mind please keeping it down?
Would you mind going to hell?! And I absolutely did order tea! How hard is it to remember a stupid drink order, you idiot?!
Abe [drunk]: Kitty, there's going to be some changes...
(to Abe) And you, Mr. Ho Hos in his sock drawer! Who do you think you're kidding?
Honey, you have to pace yourself.
(to Abe) And another thing, Don Juan. There are two people in that bed!
Whoa, interesting dinner. Stevie beat the crap out of Reese, his dad got drunk, and his mom went totally psycho. Oh my god, we're contagious!
S2 E5"Casino"
What sounds more idiotic: "Let's go to the desert, kids" or "Good idea, Dad"?
I don't like ghosts. They eat little boys.
You know what nobody's mentioned, is that this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world, and you couldn't even kill the three of us. I gotta tell ya, I'm not impressed.
(sees some explosive devices) Okay, I just figured this out... RUN!!
That's not good, cougars don't just blow up!
As near as I can figure, I did it with my mind.
Reese! That's insane!
I wouldn't talk to me like that if I were you.
Hal (to an army general): Well, the thing is that when we saw the fence we did not know if we were going in or out, Malcolm, do you want to explain it?
Malcolm (terrified): No, I don't.
I'm thirsty.
Yeah, well, we would have water if some idiot hadn't used to it write a S.O.S in the sand.
Oh, I see. You people let me carry the water and all of a sudden I'm the idiot.
Dewey, I only have one phone call, so put your mother on the phone so she can come pick us up.
(Dewey puts the phone down)
Who was that?
Wrong number.
Hal, you made me sit in the car for eight hours a day listening to Keno. Now you're telling me you don't want to gamble?
We are surrounded by the great outdoors, Lois. I mean, we could all go for a hike.
Okay, what have you done?
Uh...
Why are you avoiding the casino?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.