TV show quotes
This is a terrible idea.
No, this is just what you need. Remember? A job, people, a life?
But why here?
Because this is the only guy I know that would trade a job interview for a Hong Kong Phooey lunchbox.
I'm Because I Need To Stop Gaining Weight I've Turned Into A Gigantic Fat Cow.
Oh You Have Not.
Even The Doctor Said So.
Hal You're Eating For Two Now What Kind Of Doctor Doesn't Know That?
Ow! The baby just started kicking like crazy. It's almost like something was upsetting...[looks up and sees Ida at the window] Mom!
Are you gonna open the door?! Or should I lie down on the grass and feed the worms?!
Oh, great. Who opened the Gates of Hell?
[After Ida declares her intention to move in]
This is ridiculous! You have a condo, it's nicer than this house!
It burned down.
Mom, you can't - How did your house burn down?
It was the villagers, wasn't it?
[Ida flicks a lit cigarette onto the couch]
It's a mystery.
(something breaks) Oh, for God’s sake, what was that?!
[Francis repeatedly hits a wood beam with a hammer, panting frantically]
What are you doing?
Building calms me down, OK? We're all trying to find ways to cope with this!
Yes, Francis. I'm trying to cope with this pregnancy BY GIVING BIRTH!
Oh, my God, women are the cows of people!
Like Pastor Roy said, how God is so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what He's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.
Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom, and have faith that He is watching over us.
Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good, and which ones were bad, but they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.
Well that's not...
I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid, and with the lawnmower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. There was nothing they could do about it.
But, I don't think...
Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.
Well, that's...good, but...
I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible, and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!
[Leaves Teacher wondering, and looking up worrying about God's "giant shovel"]
[Francis and a rival member from another ranch are arrested by the government.]
The United States Government is not happy with the level of interest you created in this sector.
But what's the harm in pretending I'm from another planet? I mean all that stuff of UFOs about abductions and cavity probes, that's all made up, right.
[looks at his partner for a second] Yes, there are no aliens, but there are cavity probes.
The here and now is a special, special gift. That's why I call it "the present".
No one expects you to be perfect. If I wanted perfection, I would have hired a robot... or a Swede.
Oh, my God. I'm supposed to be in court today.
Look, Lois will pay for these tomorrow when she comes in.
You can't take those! That's shoplifting!
Fine, then I'm shoplifting, What are you going to do about it?!
Vernon!
[through crocodile tears] Do you guys want to go out on a date with us?
You pray... and you pray... and finally... it happens.
[Stevie takes a hit from his inhaler, then from his breath spray]
What do you mean, 'go out'? When? Where?
Right now. With us. In that.
[the boys rush to the window and see a stretch limousine] Oh my God. I bet it has a toilet! Dibs!
[later in the limo] OK, so here's the deal, freaks. Our boyfriends left us in the middle of the Fall Formal to go to some stupid party... So now we're gonna go to this party and make out with you guys in front of those inconsiderate jerks.
You want to make them jealous?
No, we want to make them puke! See, once they see us kissing losers like you guys, they're never gonna live it down.
You came over to our house and asked us out because we were the most disgusting guys you could find?
Actually, some kid with a hunch back and gills turned them down. Said he had too much pride.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
