Malcolm in the Middle quotes

Reese

These girls want to fool around with us.

Malcolm

Only because we're losers.

Reese

Hey. We're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.

Malcolm

Have you even thought about where this is going? Her boyfriend is Aaron Stepanovich. If he sees you kissing his girlfriend, he's gonna kill you!

Reese

I know.

Malcolm

Then why are you...

Reese

Because anything's better than the way things are now! Look, I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now. Her name is Cheryl. I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out. And when she read it, she turned to me and said: "Do you know who Reese is?" So then she goes, "Does ANYBODY know who Reese is?", and everybody shrugged. So then I said, "Probably some nobody". And you know what? I was right.

Wow, that's awful, kid. You want to wear my hat?

Reese

So tonight, I'm gonna fix that. From now on, when I walk by, people are gonna say, "What happened to that guy's face?". And someone's gonna say, "That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Stepanovich's girlfriend." And that I can live with.

Kitty isn't on a business trip. She divorced me two months ago.

Lois

What on earth are you doing?

Malcolm

I have to practice being in a wheelchair...

Hal

I suppose that makes sense. You'll never know... all it takes is one horrible accident and you end up in one of those for the rest of your life.

Malcolm

Just for basketball...

Hal

That's the spirit!

Stevie

Thanks, Malcolm, that is what I really needed to hear.

Malcolm

Oh, good.

Stevie

[about the computer] This thing sucks at sarcasm.

Reese

The Monkfish!! [searches drawer] Where are the oven mitts?

Piama

Do you want me to look?

Reese

No, keep stirring. No place mats, no tea towels. I need something.

Piama

I'll get a towel from the bathroom.

Reese

No, there's not enough time. It has to come out at exactly 5:38. Not 5:37, not 5:39.

Piama

Well, what are you gonna do?

Reese

There's only one thing I can do. [walks over to oven and opens it]

Piama

Reese, nooooo!!!

Reese

Yes! [grabs Monkfish with his bare hands, screams and pulls it out] Make me a space!!

Piama

Where?!?

Reese

Move the oven mitts! [Piama moves the oven mitts and Reese sets the Monkfish on the table and shakes his hands.]

Reese

Dewey, do you trust me?

Dewey

No.

Reese

[aggressively] Do you fear me?

Dewey

Not in the long run.

Lois

Do I try to keep on buying new clothes?

You are going to secretly conduct an in-case study of a deviant mind. The most deviant mind we have in our disposal. A mind incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, a diseased…

Malcolm

You're talking about my brother!

Malcolm

This is an official apology. I'm a horrible person and I'm sorry. What I did was horrible, even by our standards. And, let's face it, we've set the bar very low.

Dewey

I can't handle Malcolm and Reese anymore. I need a good big brother before it's too late. I'm like one wedgie away from an eating disorder.

Malcolm

YOU'RE SMOKING?! After all the times you've lectured us? After telling us if we smoke you'd kill us before the cancer did, after you would push Francis' lit cigarette back into his mouth and make him swallow, and you smoke?! You SMOKE?!

Lois

Every time you come into contact with me and my family, something horrible happens to you. I can't deal with the guilt anymore.

Craig

I don't know what you're talking about.

Lois

Come on, if it weren't for us you'd still have all your teeth, you wouldn't flinch every time you saw a ceiling fan, your car would never have been filled with bees.

Craig

Coincidences.

Lois

Craig, you broke your foot looking up a phone number for me.

Hal

The only way I've managed to get through my crappy life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial. If I let myself get beaten by failure, I would have quit after one kid.

That's not my problem. You get them out, or you will be spending Christmas in a jail cell.

Piama

Thanks for spending Christmas with my relatives.