It's so weird at my house. Nobody ever answers the phone and my brothers are seeing who can go the longest without changing their underwear. I never thought I'd miss my mom. [pauses] I still don't, but I'm getting there.
S4Kicked Out
Malcolm can take care of himself.
You're right. He's a genius ... which would make him attractive to rogue elements in our secret weapons programs. How long before some government scientist picks him up and surgically attaches him to some animal?
S4Stereo Store
What do we need a babysitter for?
Because I want the house to be where I left it.
Dewey, what are you eating?
Carrot sticks. Jessica says we have to eat healthier. I don't know what company makes this, but I hate it.
S4Hal's Friend
I know you think I'm a mama's boy.
No, mama's boys are laughing at you... with their mothers.
TBTeenage Boy
You like the pavement so much? Kiss It!
[Dabney kisses on the pavement]:
DDorene
Oh my God! Dabney, you get away from here this instant! Did you make eye contact with that big boy?! When you are bullied, you tuck and cower!
I was cowering, he wouldn't let me tuck.
[Dorene grabs him and walks off]
S4Garage Sale
Malcolm, in school we learned the coolest thing: there were these people that did this broadcast to convince everyone that aliens were landing. So what we do is wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window then we go to the TV, but we'll have already made a tape...
Dewey, you're totally over-thinking this. Reese, aliens landed down the street!
[Runs in wearing a helmet and carrying a bat] Every man for himself! [runs out]
Oh.
[After realizing that Malcolm was telling the truth and sees Reese destroy the computer intentionally] That money isn't yours. He was going to rebuild our bedroom wall.
But you said I was in charge. That means I get the money.
No, it doesn't.
Then, why the hell do I want to be in charge?
Reese, this is helping you become a better person by building your self-esteem. Which you are obviously going to need if you are STUPID ENOUGH TO THROW AWAY $1300 THIS FAMILY DESPERATELY NEEDS!
S4Academic Octathlon
Look, Reese. Some people are born book-smart. Others are born crafty and street-smart. You, I'm afraid, are neither.
I cannot wait until I'm old and senile. I'm going to be hooked up to life support in your attic, running you ragged with crazy old-person demands. I am going to cling to life for years just to make you suffer!
Fine, but I'm not staying here!
S4Clip Show #2
What makes you think I am going to die first?
Honey, you have that kind of personality. You operate at a very high level of stress.
[Flashbacks show Lois blowing up.]
[Lois puts down a box containing papers of a will she wants to write for the family.]
Why do we have to do this in the middle of the night anyway?
I will not have the boys see ups writing a will. If they start thinking about a future without us, we'll totally lose control.
I'm telling you Lois, we are not equip to deal with these issues. We get into a giant, stupid fight every time we work on the will.
Hal, the last time we tried this was 10 years ago.
And it lead to a fight. You called me thin skinned and overly sensitive.
S4Reese's Party
Have fun in school today, suckers! I'll send ya a postcard from Whitehorse.
Reese, figure it out. It takes 26 hours to get to Canada and 26 hours to get back. Your backpack is full of food, and no one ever called Grandma.
[thinks] Wait a minute! I'm spending the entire weekend on this bus?
[Malcolm and Dewey waves farewell to Reese as the bus drives off.]
DSDonnie's Mom
DONNIE!
[Donnie is taken by surprise when his mother appears before him next to Dewey.]
DDonnie
Mom, wha... what are you doing here?
DSDonnie's Mom
Trying to hide how ashamed I am at your behavior and wondering where I went wrong.
DDonnie
Mom, come on.
DSDonnie's Mom
Your father and I tried to give you the best life possible and this is how we're paid back.
DDonnie
Mom, you don't own me. I make my own decisions.
DSDonnie's Mom
These are the decisions you make. This is the life you choose. Who's covering your shift at the Suit Outlet.
DDave
[smug] Dude, you are so busted!!!!
[Dave starts laughing shortly until his mother arrives. Francis, Reese and Malcolm are smug watching the whole thing.]
DSDave's Mom
Don't you be so smug, David Alan Ferguson. Believe me, every one of your step-fathers with hear about this.
DSDonnie's Mom
You say good-bye to your friends and you get in the car, RIGHT NOW!!!
[Donnie and Dave leaves with their mothers. The gang is so embarrassed and bail out of the garage fearing their own mothers will appear.]
It feels so good to tell.
[Francis, Reese and Malcolm are grateful to Dewey for his actions in telling on Donnie and his gang to their mothers.]
S4Future Malcolm
LLeonard
Hey, Casey Peterson, could you do us all a favor and turn that crap off?
CCasey
It's not loud.
LLeonard
I didn't say it was loud, I said it was crap.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.