[A furious Hal and Lois are forced to miss Dewey's play by having to pick up an injured Reese and Malcolm from the hospital. Malcolm has a black eye, his head bandaged up and a broken arm. Reese has the worst of the injuries being in a body cast, his neck in a brace, and has a hard time walking in it.]
I should've told the doctor to sew furs and tails on you boys because you're animals! Only animals are easier because then I can have you FIXED!
[Facing Malcolm and Reese] For all the good it does, you're grounded again!
Thanks a lot for getting me grounded on my birthday!
Oh boo hoo, I was grounded on my birthday!
I was just standing up for myself! There is such a thing as justice, you know?!
Well, there is such a thing as "Shut up"!
Stop it. Malcolm, do you remember what you did for your birthday last year?
Nothing. I was grounded then, too.
[to Reese] And what about your birthday?
You grounded me after I smashed Malcolm's face into the cake.
And your birthday before that?
[to Malcolm] Wait. When did you push me off the pony?
S4Forbidden Girlfriend
It can't be money day. There is no money day. I would know about it if there was a money day. Unless....maybe Mom and Dad don't want me knowing about money day.
BBilly
[raking leaves around a perplexed Reese] Excuse me.
Beat it kid, I'm trying to figure something out.
Fat chance. The guy's a saint. You're his evil twin.
But I don't want to be an evil twin!
I don't make the rules, Dewey.
S4Malcolm Holds his Tongue
[After Malcolm suppresses his anger too long and ends up in the hospital]
[incredulous] A peptic ulcer!? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer!? The doctor said you had the stomach lining of a 60-year old air traffic controller! You are a teenager, for God's sake; what do you have to be stressed about!?
[finally loses his cool] For your information, I just spent the past 3 hours on a gurney next to a guy who was still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck! And the jackass who put in this IV couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy! There's only one channel on the TV, and what's this about a bedpan?!
AAlison
You're the one who had his license taken away!
Because my public defender wouldn't even try the insanity defense.
S4Boys at Ranch
[Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey are preparing to go out on ATVs.]
All-terrain... I wonder if that really means ALL terrain.
They couldn't say it if it wasn't true.
[Later, Dewey's ATV is crashed upside down on a tree, with Dewey hanging from a branch.]
Okay, so trees aren't terrain. Now we know.
[shouting after they destroyed the ATVS] You stay away from the horses, the vehicles, and the ATV's! That means go to your rooms until further notice.
[Francis, Reese, and Malcolm are watching fireworks.]
How do we know which one is the Komodo 3000?
[Night turns to day for five seconds as the boys stare in silence, then reverts to night.]
Did it say when our vision would come back?
[Lois and Hal have just told Ida about the pregnancy in the hope she won't sue]
Don't you think certain actions should be reconsidered?
Yes, yes of course. [Hal and Lois sigh in relief] You should settle.
It's for your own good. If you can't keep your legs closed for 20 minutes, at least take good advice when you hear it!
ISIda's Lawyer
I'm outta here. They have no insurance; what, you think I'm going to take 40% of this run-down dump of a house?!
ISIda's Lawyer
Let me explain something to you; this house would fit in my house's garage, but then I'd have to park my Porsche in the driveway! Now I don't mind tossing innocent people out on the street, I just don't do it for free!
Ddoctor
Well, I think I’ve figured out why you’re feeling so lousy, Lois. You’re pregnant. (Hal and Lois exchange glances)
doctorCongratulations. (sees Hal and Lois’s facial expressions, and laughs) This is the best part of my job. Seeing the looks on peoples’ faces when I give them the good news.
MMalcom
Reese has everything I want! I never have what I need! I don't even have my own bed! Why does everything in my life SUCK?!
You owe me a new Spacefighter!
Shut up and get your own pen!
[Dewey yells and goes after Reese, but Malcom and Reese keep fighting]
Give me my pen! I'm warning you!
Ooh, I'm scared! What are you gonna do? What's the baby gonna do?
[Malcolm decks Reese with a punch.]
[Hal, Malcolm and Dewey stand over Reese, out cold on the floor.]
[astounded] Malcolm, you can take Reese?
No one's taking anybody! I can't believe you boys. [picks up Reese; Reese groans] Oh, my God, look at you! [Reese groans again] He better not need stitches! [Reese groans a third time] Yeah, like you weren't beggin' for it.
You did not already try on those clothes. And you do not have a term paper due, [looks at Dewey] and you are not gonna suddenly develop stomach cramps.
Please! Who did you think you were talking to? Now go! Try on those clothes!
[in her fantasy of having daughters] Girls, please! Can you just--? Girls, don't do this. You're supposed to be easy.
MMallory
No, Mom. You're easy.
DDaisy
We can fool you about anything. We're girls, we know how you think and we're not above using it.
S4Long Drive
[Reese enters the house, talking loudly to disguise the fact he's being chased by the cops]
[resigned] I'll put on the coffee.
[looks out the window] It's Hanson; make decaf. [waves to the cops]
SSamuel
'Cause in prison you got to make your own fun. When they're tossing punk kids like you and you. Whoooo, it's like Christmas for me. If you displease me, I will not hesitate to grab you by your pretty little neck. Just squeeze until your eyeballs bulge out of your head and pop them with a fork.
[Reese laughs, catching the attention of Samuel]
SSamuel
You think that's funny?!
Reese I thought you were trying to be funny.
SSamuel
So I got me a volunteer, huh. Well let me tell you cupcakes, of WHAT YOUR FIRST DAY OF BEING HERE GONNA BE LIKE?!
[A few minutes later Reese is seen scared.]
SSamuel
And don't expect no flowers afterwards.
