Malcolm in the Middle quotes

Lois

[Has just arrived home just in time by jumping over the fence to catch the boys with fireworks] BOYS!!! FIREWORKS!! FIREWORKS!!!

Reese

How did she?!

Malcolm

I don't know.

Lois

You boys are in so much trouble. I can't leave you alone for one second. I guess next time I go out, I'll have to chain you to the floor and tie you in the oven. You don't even pretend to listen. You might as well cut off your ears and throw them in the trash for as long as you use them. You are grounded for the next month!

GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!

Lois

While you're being punished, I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff. BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE DOING ANY OF IT! YOU ARE GONNA SUFFER!

Lois

You know ladies, I just realize something. Society isn't the thing that's making us miserable. I mean hell, we're society.

Lois

No. No. Every single one of our problems can be traced back to that tight ass, overachieving, marathon running, master chef: LILLIAN MILLER!

Reese

You've just got to calm down, turn off your brain.

Malcolm

You can't just turn off your brain.

Reese

Sure you can! I do it all the time. Just watch...

Malcolm

[snorts] This is so stupid. You can't turn off your...

Malcolm

Reese...? Reese!

Reese

Oh, man, how long was I out?

Lois

[Sighs] OK, Malcolm. I've been thinking about it and I'm gonna give you a 'Free Pass'. Every time any of you boys do something important that your father should not see you doing, I give each of you 1 free pass per month.

Lois

[as her and Malcolm walk in the house. Malcolm sits down] Sit! Look at yourself, they put you on probation. Probation! If you do just one more thing wrong, their gonna kick you out of school! Do you have any idea how serious this is? Is this what you want to be? You want to be some lap dog who ruins his life for some girl? For God sake, Malcolm, you beat up a foreign exchange student! Poor little Zanoc left that country from this kind of abuse! Are you even listening to me?

Malcolm

[Stands up from his chair] Yes, I'm listening! But you know what, mom, I got bigger problems! You may not have noticed, but, I've been screwing up a lot lately. All because of some stupid girl! I'm on probation! I beat up a kid who doesn't speak English! I'm going through a lot right now, and you don't even care!

Hal

You've been stealing money from the church?!

Reese

And maybe some... merchandise.

Hal

Oh! You boys have been taking stereos, toys! Is that cheese?! Oh! I need to sit! [He collapses onto the mattress and sees more stolen donations under the bed.] Oh! Oh, my God!

Malcolm

Dewey, get a washcloth!

Hal

My boys are thieves!

Hal

You stole... AIR?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, BOYS?! Do you ever stop and think of the consequences of anything you do?! Do you realize the shame that you're gonna bring upon our entire family? DO YOU?!

Reese

Forget that, what's Mom gonna say?!

Lois

That's right. I gave it all to charity. You have two changes of clothes; one for school and one for home, something wrong?

No.

Hal

OH, DAMN!

Dewey

It's God! He found Us!

Hal

It's not God, Dewey! It's just my crappy car. Although in a larger sense, he could've helped out my career a bit from time to time. Throw a promotion my way, once in a while. So maybe you're right, it is God!

Malcolm

Hey, I don't want to scare anybody. But this is the street mom takes home from work and she gets off in 10 minutes!!!

Reese

Hey Mom, Hey Dad.

Lois

What is wrong with you?! Look at that floor!

Reese

Sorry.

Lois

How many times have we told you not to track mud into this house?

Malcolm

We'll clean it up.

Lois

That's not good enough. You're grounded for a week!

Reese

What?

Malcolm

You can't do that! Those are just footprints!

Lois

You wanna be grounded for two weeks?!

Malcolm

Dad!

Hal

You heard your mother!

Reese

This is ridiculous! You're being totally unfair! Just because Malcolm tracked mud on the floor doesn't mean we should be grounded!

Lois

Go to your room!

Lois

Dewey, I said "NO"! Do you wanna be grounded like your brothers?

Dewey

No.....

Lois

How dare you! How dare you defy us like that!

Malcolm

Well we wouldn't have had to if you've hadn't been ridiculously hard about a little mud on the floor!

Lois

You two are the most ungrateful, badly-behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless?

Reese

What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?

Malcolm

Keep it cool!

Hal

You were at a party? While we were here worrying?

Dewey

[calm] Can I have a napkin?

Hal

I cannot believe you two!

Lois

Oh, that's it! You're grounded for the rest of the school year!

Reese

You can't do that!

Malcolm

You're crazy!

Hal

You do not talk to your mother that way, ever! You will show her the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not!

Reese

This family sucks! You're ruining our lives! I wish you were dead!

Malcolm

What was that all about?

Reese

I dunno. Usually, she just says "I'm taking you with me!"

Reese

Oh, hi, mom. How nice to see you home

Lois

I have HAD IT!

Malcolm

Mom, what are you doing?

Lois

I am taking everything! Every decoration, every present, every tree and I'm locking it in the garage. Every single Christmas, you three burn, break or destroy and I'm putting a stop to it.

Dewey

She's stealing Christmas.

Malcolm

Mom, you can't do this.

Reese

Yeah, this'll be the last year Dewey believes in Santa.

Dewey

WHAT?!

Lois

If you boys behave until Christmas morning, there will be a Christmas morning. Otherwise these are going back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled!

Reese

[to Lois] You wouldn't cancel Christmas! You're bluffing.

Lois

Who did this?! Who did this!

Hal

Drop and roll honey!

Lois

WHO DID THIS!!!!!!

Hal

For God's sake, honey. Drop and roll.

Francis

Oh my God, you're crazy! I just thought you were evil but you are nuts!

Ida

What are you talking about?

Francis

Grandma, gifts aren't conditional; they're gifts! You give them to people because you love them. They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight. You're not teaching people anything, you haven't gotten back at them; they don't even know they've upset you. All you've done here is constructed a monument to your own insanity! WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DOES THAT?!

Ida

A lonely, bitter old woman [she sits down]

Francis

What?

Ida

Look what I've done. What use is all these things to me now? They could have brought someone some happiness; instead, they rot here. [Ida clutches her heart]

Francis

Grandma?

Ida

My heart...I think it's...melting! [Francis rolls his eyes] Yes, it's melting! You've shown me the way, Francis, by yelling at me! Quick, go get my magic sled, and me and my reindeer will go and give Christmas to all the mean, stupid, rude people! We'll all join hands and sing songs and sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust!