Craig Feldspar quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Hal

Malcolm can take care of himself.

Craig

You're right. He's a genius ... which would make him attractive to rogue elements in our secret weapons programs. How long before some government scientist picks him up and surgically attaches him to some animal?

Lois

Every time you come into contact with me and my family, something horrible happens to you. I can't deal with the guilt anymore.

Craig

I don't know what you're talking about.

Lois

Come on, if it weren't for us you'd still have all your teeth, you wouldn't flinch every time you saw a ceiling fan, your car would never have been filled with bees.

Craig

Coincidences.

Lois

Craig, you broke your foot looking up a phone number for me.

Malcolm

What's that?

Lois

Hmmm?

Malcolm

I threw that picture away!

Lois

Oh, we still have the negative. It reminds me of the old you, back when you still knew right from wrong.

Malcolm

Just because I'm not doing what you want doesn't mean you can humiliate me!

Lois

Humiliate you? You mean there's an offensive image on display in the store?

My son used to love to play dress-up just like that. Give him a call. [She hands Malcolm a paper with his phone number and winks at him]

Malcolm

Take that down!

Lois

Gee, I'm not doing what you want. You're not doing what I want. Maybe we should bring Mr. Kushell into this, since he's the only one whose opinion you seem to care about.

Malcolm

No employee may display personal items at his or her workspace. Don't worry, Mom. It only added a day to your probation.

[Another employee forced to remove her cross] I'm sorry, God. You're against the rules here.

Craig

[sobbing while rolling up a motivational poster] I don't know who I am any more!

Malcolm

[slamming his head against a locker] At what age do you just accept that your life is a piece of rotten garbage and always will be?

Craig

22.

Lois

Okay, this is the only universe this could possible exist in. I'm 90 years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia and I need someone to keep me from catching on fire. There's no money for a nurse, my sons won't do it, and I'm asleep for 22 hours a day. Then, and only then, maybe we could be together.

Craig

It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.