So, plan A: We sing at the prom. Mr. Walters loves us. We get a record contract which leads to… (opening her fan) worldwide domination.
Sorry. I, I, I wasn’t expecting. I’m a little nervous.
BradleyUm, Billy? Where’s your dad? Is he in the car or is he coming later?
Oh, yeah. My dad said to say he’s not coming because his books are full.
(to Rachel) Plan B, it all goes horribly wrong.
Do you not want to be my date anymore?
Of course I do. Come on. We’re gonna have a great time.
So, are you girls ready to go?
I really can’t believe that you’re taking Hannah, Tina and Jo to the prom.
Bradley
Yeah. Me neither.
I know. 3 dates. Well, this is gonna be the best evening ever.
B1Bully #1
Look at his geeky glasses.
B2Bully #2
And his stupid hair and square clothes.
I think your clothes are great and your hair is really sexy.
W-Wo-Would you like to dance with me?
B1Bully #1
(laughs) Look at the nerd dance!
B2Bully #2
Hey, Billy, you’re such a jerk!
What are you talking about? He’s a wicker dancer!
Yeah, I mean we all dance around, don’t we?
Bradley
Yeah. It’s the latest thing.
I want chips. English chips. Not American chips.
And get me a sandwich, will you? Not from here. From the deli across the road.
And take my jacket and get me another drink!
And hurry up about it. We’re on stage in a minute.
Time when you are, isn’t it?
(sighs) What a nightmare.
Bradley
Okay, everyone. I hope you enjoyed your prom. Fellas, grab your ladies because we’re gonna sing a song few called “Two In a Million.”
Ah
V1Verse 1: Jo
Out of all the boys, you’re not like the others
From the very first day, I knew we’d be lovers
In my wildest dreams, my darkest desire
Would I declare to you, your love takes me higher
BJBridge: Jo
Just when we both thought our lives were set in stone
They shone in light and brought us together
CAChorus: All, Jo
We are two in a million
We’ve got all for luck we could be given
If the world should stop (The world, should stop)
We’ll still have each other
And no matter what (No matter what)
We’ll be forever as one
V2Verse 2: Jo
It’s a crazy world where everything’s changing
One minute you’re up, and the next thing you’re breaking
When I lose my way, and the skies, they get heavy (Mm)
It’ll be okay the moment you’re with me
BJBridge: Jo
No one would have guessed we’d be standing strong today
Solid as a rock and perfect in every way
CAChorus: All, Jo
We are two in a million
We’ve got all for luck (The luck) we could be given
If the world should stop
We’ll still have each other (Oh)
And no matter what (No matter what)
We’ll be forever as one
No matter what (No matter, no matter what)
We’ll be forever as one
No matter what (No matter what)
We’ll be forever as one
(gasps) Mr. Walters! You’re here!
Bradley
I thought you said your books are full.
No. Who told you that? Hey. It’s L.A. It’s all just an illusion. Full, empty, hot, cold success failure. It’s all just the same thing. What is it different?
(laughs) Fair play. I see what you mean. Or do what?
Yeah, will you sign us up?
I sure will! You guys are great! Huh?
Bradley
Well what? Where’s your mystery woman?
Oh, her! Oh, well, you know, she was great and, and it was great.
And well, you know how it is. You know, we had a great evening and then, then she asked my phone number and she said she wanted to see me again and, well, you know what happens when you commit to another day then you end up like married with 18 kids in a mortgage.
She chucked you, didn’t she?
It was love at first sight.
You know, the best way to deal the situation like that is to behave with dignity and grace.
Yeah, you know what they say. Live and let live.
I’m gonna kill her. (pushing Jon and Bradley out of the way) Oi! Rachel!
(to Jon) Do you know something? Why can’t we leave our own Chateau Style Terrace?
What are you reading, Rach?
The big vulgar House Magazine. The magazine of big vulgar houses.
Rachel’s getting restless again, guys.
No. Not restless. Just curious. Don’t you ever wonder what it’d be like to live in one of those big houses like rich and famous people do.
Maybe you mean like one of those amazing mansion in Bel-Air with like the 30m Art Deco pool and their own cinema and A Philip Star Kitchen and like six different kinds of palm trees.
Joni Alert! Joni Alert! Bandits 4:00! I repeat, Joni Alert!
Bradley
Oh, no. It can’t be rent there already, can it?
When you owe as much money as we do, every day is a rent day.
And she had one of those really mean looks on her face. You know, like the one that says…
Bradley
What’s all the panic for? What could she do to us anyway?
(to Bradley) Oh, you mean apart from like sell of all our possessions, kicks out the apartment and probably gets checked out the country. Not much, Bradley.
Bradley
Sell of our possessions? What, you mean like my CDs?
Yeah, and your Britney Spears go skating posters!
Bradley
This is terrible, Jon! Joni Alert! Joni Alert!
That’s it. That’s all you have. You guys, I’m looking for the rent here. Not a tip for the bus, boy.
Look, Joni. We are trying. We’re really looking hard for some work, aren’t we, guys?
All right, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do here. Instead of throwing you out, I’m going to go proactive. I’m going to help you guys to help yourselves and in turn, help myself to…
Bradley
Help yourself to what?
To half your wages. Now here’s the deal, a friend of mine just called and asked if I knew 3 sensible kids who wanted to do some house sitting.
And do you? Because if you don’t, then I’m sure I might know some…
Bradley
House sitting? Is that like when you sit around someone else’s pool? You eat with their food and you get paid for it.
No. That’s where you watch somebody’s property in a conscientious and professional manner.
And then you sit around the pool all day munching their food.
Okay. Well, there’s 2 kids who obviously have other working plans for the next few weeks.
Bradley
Yeah. We are sensible. In fact, that’s what the SNS Club stands for.
Too late. You’ve blown it.
Bradley
Oh.
AAlphonse
So, you give the customers what they want. You give it to them fast and you give it to them with a smile. You do not bang it down on the table and you do not spill it on their lap. Got that?
Yeah, we got that, Alphonse. Loud and clear.
Bradley
Okay. Don’t spill it on their lap. Remember that. Very important.
AAlphonse
You got 2 days of work, then I get my regular waitress back. The cute one. What? People like cute.
Well, we can’t promise you cute but we can promise you efficient.
Bradley
This looks like it’s gonna be a very boring job, Jon.
Well, anything’s better than just sitting around waiting for an invitation up to the big house.
Bradley
What invitations?
Bradley
But on the other hand.
Bradley
There are compensations.
Can you pass the salt please?
It’s great to have a bit of space, though, isn’t it?
Yeah. Makes all the difference.
I really miss the others.
Let’s see if we can get them round tomorrow.
Yeah, but what if they don’t want to come?
Well, this is nice, isn’t it?
Yeah. We don’t need the others. We can have fun on our own.
Bradley
Yeah.
Hello? Oh, hi, Jo. How are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re having a great time. How about you?
(speaking to Jon on the phone) It’s brilliant. It’s a lot of fun.
You want us and come and see you?
Well, um, I’m not sure what we’re doing tomorrow.
Well, only if you feel like it. I mean it’s no big deal.
We’ll have a party about 8 o’clock.
Wicked. No worries. See you tomorrow.
Bradley
You think she’s come back to see me.
No, but don’t let that stop you.
Bradley
Don’t worry. I won’t. (He comes downstairs to see the Rich Girl) Your diet cola, ma’am.
Oh, excuse me. Did I order a drink?
Bradley
So I’m psychic. Diet decaf with ice on the lime twist, right?
(chuckles) Half twist, actually.
Bradley
Oh. (He cuts the lime in half with a pair of scissors) So, uh, what are you doing tonight?
I’m sorry. I don’t do waiters.
Bradley
Quite right. Well, actually, I’m not a waiter. I’m an actor.
Bradley
I’m researching apart from movie about waiters and the studio rated me a $20 million mansion up in Bel-Air.
Bradley
I’m having a party tonight if you wanna come.
So, what’s your movie about?
Bradley
The movie. Um… Basically, me and Hugh Grant, we play these, um, two English waiters, who have to raise money for this poor blind kid who wants the train to become a chef. So, uh, they do this bang robbery. Yeah. Big Heist. But it goes wrong. So, we have to hide the money in a… in, in a big cake.
Bradley
Yeah, in a big creamy cake. But, um, that gets stolen by the angry fat people.
Bradley
Yeah, there’s dumb and there’s dumb. I mean this is dumb, innit? But, in a kind of more deep meaningful way.
Bradley
Cheers then. Anyway, yeah, me and Hugh Grant. We go way back. Yeah.
Bradley
Yeah, he’s a good friend of mine.
PPaige
I’m a big fan of his.
Bradley
Yeah.
PPaige
He’s wonderful. Cool.
Bradley
Yeah.
Bradley
I am indeed, bro.
Okay. Let’s do it then, yeah?
Bradley
Alright.
You’re moving closer so I can see your face.
(sighs annoyingly) Bradley!
Bradley
Paul, no one wants to see your handwriting, alright? If we’re gonna make a doc soap, they wanna see a character. A star. A geezer, and luckily, I’m available.
Brad, just drop the card.
(He starts filming around closer to Hannah who is busy watching something on TV)
Hannah Spearritt, famous singer and actress from the UK. What she lacks in inches, she makes up for her in talent. So, Hannah, tell us. How does it feel being complete nobody in the UK and completely unknown in the US?
Bradley
The name’s McIntosh. Bradley McIntosh. License to kill and to thrill the ladies.
Bradley, I’ll come back to you when I’m desperate.
So you say “He’s rich. He’s handsome and he’s a great kisser.” Rachel, I already don’t see what your problem is.
Well, I kind of may have sort of told him that I was a member of the British royal family.
Paul, we’re trying to have a private conversation here.
Just treat me like I’m not here.
That’d be easier when you’re gone.
Jo, who’s happy-go-lucky exterior masks a violent personality?
Oh. Ooh! Oh, look. You think some people will be grateful to have a documentary made about them?
Paul, you’ve been making this documentary for the past 3 weeks. It was quite funny at first.
No. That’s just irritating.
I know, I know. But I’ve only got 400 hours of footage and most of that has Bradley in it.
Well, go film something else then.
Yeah. Jon’s in the bath. Go film in.
L.A. 7 · 159 quotes
