BradleyWow, look at that!
Well, there it is, guys. Hollywood. It’s the most famous place in the world.
Can’t see much tinsel from here. Looks more like smoke and smoke.
Do you realize that every single person down there wants to be famous?
They all want to be actors, directors, musicians, bands, millions of them, all with the same dream.
Cor! That’s a lot of competition!
Well, you know how the song goes. If you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere. It’s up to you.
Oh. Well, do you think we come to the right town?
Bradley
Guys. So what are we waiting for? Let’s get down there and show ‘em how it’s done.
So does this look cheap enough?
Well, if it isn’t, we might as well go to the nearest dog zone and rent out a kennel for the night.
Right. Come on, everybody. Let’s try and look cheap.
Bradley
Sound tricky. Maybe we better, um… send Rachel first.
Someone help me rip Bradley’s head off. (strangles Bradley)
So, I was with him for 3 years and it didn’t work out. And then my next boyfriend, it didn’t work out either. Nor did the next one… or the next one.
Bradley
So what about the next one?
Oh! Um, that didn’t work out either. Oh! But then I met the most fine wonderful man. Oh, I was so happy!
Bradley
Good!
Yeah. We got married and we had a fantastic life. I knew he was the one for me. Yeah. (Then her smile fades slowly) But it didn’t work out.
Bradley
What a shame.
Oh, hi, guys! Come on in!
Bradley, come on. We’ve got a gig to go to.
Bradley
Oh, wicked!
So, let’s get up and let’s get going.
I don’t know if he’s ready to perform yet.
You know what? I think he’s gonna be just fine.
Bradley
Joni said we could all stay here.
Sure! I have an empty apartment upstairs that you can have. And while Bradley is recovering, you don’t have to pay rent.
Bradley
Yeah.
Bradley
I think I’ll be fine.
Oh, be careful with him. I don’t think he’s fully recovered yet.
Yeah. Yeah. Easy does it, Bradley. Easy does it.
Oh! Um, we’re on at the cafe if you want to come along.
Really? Oh, I would love to! Okay, I’ll see you there.
AAll
Bye! Bye! (They all leave but Bradley bumps into the door) Ooh!
So, Tommy, tell me. What was it like jumping from that skyscraper to that helicopter in Random Violence?
TDTommy De Witt
Actually, that was my stunt double.
JPJon, Paul and Bradley
Oh.
How about that fantastic sword fight in, um… slashblade peninsula?
TDTommy De Witt
That was my fencing double.
JPJon, Paul and Bradley
Oh.
What about shooting those love scenes with Neve Campbell?
TDTommy De Witt
That was my body double.
JPJon, Paul and Bradley
Oh.
Bradley
Tommy.
Bradley
Um… Do you actually appear in any of your movies?
TDTommy De Witt
And I am speechless. You wanna go out?
Yeah. Oh. But before we do, my friends wanna meet ya. This is Tina, Rachel and Jo.
TDTommy De Witt
Hi, Tina.
TDTommy De Witt
Hi, Rachel.
Yeah. (falls on the floor)
Aha! All right. Um, time to go.
Bradley
Finally, at last! Something is actually happening!
I know! This gig could be really good for us.
Bradley
So, what song should we sing, guys?
I don’t know. What do you reckon, Jo? Jo!
(waking up) Hmm? What? Who? Sorry, I’m a bit tired. Paul kept me awake all night last night snoring.
He does a lot of things he never used to do.
Look what the cat dragged in.
Must have been a very nerdy cat.
Bradley
What happened to you, bro?
Did you mislay your fashion sense?
No. Linda said that I didn’t look nice in my other clothes and I look better like this.
Paul, you don’t have to do anything she tells you.
You’re allowed an opinion, you know.
I know, and I’ve got one.
Which is Linda’s right. I look much nicer like this.
Fancy changing a whole image just for the sake of a date.
Oh, crikey, Teen! We better go and change our image for our date tomorrow.
Bradley
Grubs up. (giving Jo a burger) Burger for you. (giving Hannah a burger) Burger for you. (giving Tina a burger) Burger for you. (trying to give Paul a burger but he doesn’t) And burger for you.
Bradley
What?
Bradley
Yes you do.
You don’t like playing cards. You don’t like fast food. You don’t like normal clothes.
Bradley
Is there anything you do like doing?
Yes. I like reading the newspaper and having serious political discussions.
Fascinating. I’m off to bed.
Me too. Apparently, I like having an early night.
Bradley
Okay, Jon boy. Pick a card. Not that card. Not that one. Not that one either!
Bradley
This one! All right now, look at it. What is it?
Bradley
All right now. Just put it back in there. Good boy. Oh, right. Is this your card?
Well of course it is, Bradley?
Bradley
See? (chuckles)
Bradley, that’s not even magic.
Bradley
Yeah, not real magic, just like the trick.
Bradley, that’s not even a trick.
Oh, look. Here comes the evening news.
Good evening. Tonight, extra work shock means I have to stay in, looking to the week ahead you’re coming to the theater with me tomorrow evening.
Eyewitnesses say the play is an excellent one. Onlookers have clapped and cheered. Now over to you, Paul.
I can’t come tomorrow evening. We’ve got a gig.
Your band will never make it. News reading is the only option. Those are the facts. You heard it here first.
Now you hold on a minute.
Bradley
You just can’t say things like that.
You must leave the band. That’s all for now. See you the same time tomorrow evening. Goodnight.
Bradley
Paul, you go slide above…
Yeah, we got to sort out.
Paul, what she says on TV when she’s reading the news. That’s all fact. But what she said this evening, that’s just her opinion.
Do you see the difference?
No. Because Linda’s right about everything.
Bradley
I don’t think so, bro. (holding up a magnifying glass) Yeah. Look at yourself recently, Paul.
Paul, look. I know you really like her, but you gotta do what you think’s the best. Not just anything Linda tells you to do.
Bradley
I need a girl I like?
No, Bradley. You like every girl. That is the girl that I like.
Bradley
But, Paul. You never got to do anything about it.
Okay then. Well, this time, watch this. (He comes to see her) Hi, how are ya?
GOGirl on Beach #1
Excuse me?
Well, that went better than usual.
Bradley
You gotta work on your technique, bro. I mean, watch me. Watch the master.
Bradley
Hey. How are ya doing? You’re kinda good.
GOGirl on Beach #2
(speaking gibberish and slapping him with her book)
Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys! You want to know how it’s really done. Watch Rachel.
Yeah, you. You’re the world champion of flirting.
Yes, you are. Go on. Look around and tell us if there’s a boy you like. My boys, watch this and laugh.
Bradley
Okay. First, she spots her victim.
(pointing to that boy) Well, he’s quite cute.
Bradley
Then, she moves in for the kill.
The prey puts down his book.
He stretches unsuspectingly.
Bradley
He turns round.
I’m Sam. You’re Rachel, aren’t you?
Yeah. How did you know that?
I’ve seen you around at the beach, and at the cafe.
Yeah. Listen. I was wondering. It’s my high school prom in a couple days, and I was wondering if you’d like to come with me.
Yeah. I’d love to. That would be great. Um, what should I wear?
Well, it’s quite formal, but I’m sure you’d look great in anything.
That’s outrageous! I’m glad I never behaved like that.
BJBradley and Jon
Me too.
Hey, aren’t you guys with the S Club 7?
I’ve seen you play at the beach and at the cafe.
Hey, listen. I was wondering. It’s my high school prom in a couple days, and I was wondering if you guys like to play a few songs.
I’m sure you guys look great in anything.
Bradley
You should’ve said that.
So, I’ll see you in a couple days.
BJBradley, Jon, Hannah and Paul
Yeah.
Mmm. George Clooney’s eyes. The new George Clooney’s smile. And he had George Clooney’s body. It was love at first sight.
JRJo, Rachel and Tina
Aw.
PJPaul, Jon and Bradley
(sigh)
So why are you still with him?
Well, he didn’t quite have George Clooney’s wallet.
You don’t really believe in love at first sight, do ya?
Bradley
Has it ever actually happened to you?
I had loved her face that once. That was quite nice.
My part of the third sight. Mmm. That was lovely.
Well, I’ve had love at no sight. Beat that.
Bradley
How did you manage that?
Well, I met him on the internet. We exchanged romantic emails for months. He told me that he was a 45 year old millionaire with his own airplane, but then when I finally met him, he was a 14 year old squirrel with his own skateboard.
Yeah. Well, I think it’s a lot of old rubbish, anyway.
(to Jon) Well, you would.
I’ve had, I’ve had hate of first sight, a mild irritation, a second and, um, you’re not so bad after all at third. Does that count?
Bradley
What’s the matter with him?
He said we’d write some more songs today. Remember?
Yeah, but what is the point?
Bradley
There are all these good songs. We’ve got no record contract. We’ve got no money. Our agent is rubbish.
All right. One proper gig.
Bradley
Yeah. But our agent didn’t even get us there.
Yeah. Guys, I really don’t want us to be one of those bands who just do kids’ parties and old people’s retirement homes and bar mitzvahs.
We’re not going to do that.
Hey! Guess what, everyone? Our agent’s got us a gig out of a mitzvahs. What?
You see, we’ve gotta get a new agent.
I’m happy to help you with that.
Well, I had a bit of a thing with an agent one time.
Really? Was it love at first sight?
No. It was love at first smell. Or he had this great aftershave.
But, what if I never see her again?
But, what if she was like the love of my life and I’ve seen her for 20 seconds and that was it, and now I’ve lost her forever.
Yeah. Well, at least it lasted longer than some of Bradley’s relationships.
I was thinking about what you guys said the other day about needing a new agent and I think I have an idea.
Yeah. Well, I did a little bit of acting in the 70s and I had this great agent and he got me this fantastic part on Charlie’s Angels.
Bradley
You was in Charlie’s Angels?
There was only 3 angels on Charlie’s Angels.
Well, there were four originally but, um, on the first day of filming, Charlie made a pass with me and, um, I kind of hit him and he ended up in the hospital, so, um, that’s why you never see his face.
Oh. Um, Mr. Walters at Walters Wilson and Walters.
We were wondering if Mr. Walters would like to be our agent.
RReceptionist
His books are full.
RReceptionist
His books are full.
RReceptionist
His books are full.
(clears throats) Okay, without saying the words “His books are full.”, could you possibly tell us when the next available appointment with Mr. Walters is?
RReceptionist
May, next year.
RReceptionist
His books are full.
All right, all right. You get the message.
God, even my dog’s got bigger vocabulary than that.
A lot was a waste of time.
Well, what we need to do is we need to get through her to him.
Bradley
Yeah, and let them hear some of our music.
Yeah. And how are we gonna do that?
Uh. I’ve got a plan. Huddle, guys.
Bradley
Um, bite on my hamburger?
Bradley, you weren’t listening when I told you the plan, were you?
Bradley
Not really, no.
But we’re a band, Mr. Walters.
The S Club 7, Mr. Walters.
And we want to sing you a song.
But we bought you presents.
CGChorus: girls, boys
S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party, oh)
Gonna show you how (Everybody, get down tonight) (Oh, yeah, yeah)
S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)
Gonna take you high (Shake your body from side to side)
PCPost-Chorus: All
(Ooh, ooh) Wave your hands in the air
(Ooh, ooh) Like you just don’t care
(Ooh, ooh) There’s a party over there
(Ooh, ooh) There’s a party over there
Ha, ha! Nothing. But not bad at all. And now get out of here.
No, wait. We’re singing at the high school prom tomorrow night.
Would you come and see us?
Bradley
West Beverly High.
Really? My son goes there.
Oh, great. So does that mean you’re gonna come and see us soon?
Well, you know, I’m not sure the thing is my son doesn’t have a date for the prom.
I said my son doesn’t have a date for the prom.
Yeah, I heard you the first time.
No. I don’t think you did. My son needs a date for the prom.
That’s okay. Rachel will go with him.
How kind of you to offer he accepts.
No, listen. I’m really sorry, but I can’t take your son to the school prom. I already had… (Jo stamps Rachel’s foot) Ow!
Sore foot! She was just gonna say she’s got a sore… uh!
No problem. My son’s not that good dancer, anyway. Leave your address with the secretary. We’ll pick you up at 7pm.
Bradley
Well, Rach, it’s for the good of the band.
Oh, yeah, and don’t worry about Sam. We’ll take care of him.
Yeah. That’s what worries me.
She walks a bit slowly though, doesn’t she?
How come he can never catch her up when she walks so slowly?
L.A. 7 · 159 quotes
