Paul quotes from L.A. 7

Thank you. Thank you. Erm, first of all, I’d like to thank my co-stars the marvellous Leonardo DiCaprio… Hi, babe. …and um, the gorgeous Brad Pitt who are absolutely wonderful!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, I’m Ch… uh… I’d like to thank the director for casting me as the new James Bond and I’ve got to say I’m looking forward to the sequel where I get a chance to snug Britney Spears. Thank you very much. (blows a kiss)

To be honest, I was a bit worried about the shower scenes, but Mr. Spielberg shot them in the best possible taste. Thank you, Steven. This is for you. (blows a kiss)

Hey. Hey. Um… Yeah. I just want to say it’s brilliant to receive this award for best ballsy blown with a spanner in an action movie and, um, yeah. I’m chuffed to bits. Thanks a lot. Cheers.

It was a great honor for me as an English actor to be asked to play the role of the young John F. Kennedy. I thank you all and the academy. Thank you.

My commiserations go to the other nominees Gwyneth Paltrow, Julia Roberts who just weren’t quite good enough to win. (blows a kiss)

Paul

I’d like to say a big thank you to the American academy for this award for best actor ever, in everything. (clears throats) And I’d also like to say that I’m going to share it with the rest of S Club 7, but I’m not going to. Na-na-na-na-na!

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Hey, Paul, that was really mean.

Paul

What?

Yeah. Not sharing the Oscar with us.

HBHannah and Bradley

Yeah.

Paul

Oh, come on! You got one. Each didn’t…

Yeah, but…

Paul

Oh, shut up!

Wait a minute. Shut up!

Don’t you see what’s happening? We’re not the Oscars in Hollywood. We’re all having the same dream again.

AAll

Oh, no.

So we haven’t won any awards then.

Paul

No.

And we’re not famous.

Paul

Nope.

We’re just stranded in the middle of the desert.

Just look at it.

Deserted.

Well observed, Hannah.

Paul

Come on. Let’s get going.

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Okay. So here we are, the S Club 7 on the road to Los Angeles. Hannah is dying for loo.

(groaning desperately) Can anyone see a ditch or anything?

Paul

No.

(groaning desperately again)

Concentrate on something else.

Yeah, like a big river gushing over a waterfall.

AAll

Bradley!

What?

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Why does America have to be so big?

Because it’s got 260 million people in it.

Oh. So where are they all?

It’s got about many people you’re thinking they have a few more loose.

Paul, what are you doing?

Paul

Look. (pointing to the sign saying Loo in British)

Oh, yes!

CCowboy

Howdy, folks.

AAll

Hi.

What’s up?

‘Scuse me. Can I use your loo please?

CCowboy

Sure, for $50.

What?

CCowboy

You don’t have to use it, but the next bathroom’s about 300 miles down the road.

Here, 10. Is that enough?

CCowboy

I’m sorry, but I gotta make a living out here. There’s nothing else to do. Make it $20.

Guys, can you help me out? Please, please unburst him! Guys, I’ll pay you back. I’ll be your friend.

Hannah, you are our friend.

I’ll be even more of a friend. I’ll do anything. I’ll make you cups of teas in the mornings.

And make us toast to marmite.

Yes!

And tidy our veggies for us.

Yes! Anything!

AAll

All right.

There we go. Enjoy.

CCowboy

So you’re all going to Hollywood to act in the movies.

Yeah. Well, maybe if we get lucky.

CCowboy

I don’t like acting. Don’t seem real to me.

Well, actually, we’re in a band. We’re hoping to get some work in a club and maybe get a record deal.

CCowboy

You mean you sing songs?

We try.

CCowboy

I don’t like songs. I like the music of the desert. Rattlesnake rattling across the sand. Sound of a bats’ swing squeaking in the night air. Gopher sitting on a flat top rock, breaking wind in the key of B-flat minor.

CCowboy

That’s Nature’s music.

Somehow, um, I don’t think that’ll get in the charts.

CCowboy

You want to make money? Get out of pop music. Get into bathrooms. I got a chain of bathrooms across every desert in this country. Arizona, Texas, Utah. Not everybody wants to listen to music, but everybody sure wants to take a whiz.

It’s a good thought, actually.

What is taking her so long?

AAll

Hannah!

That’s better. Come on then! What are you waiting for?

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Okay, guys. Well, you better enjoy this cos this could be our last meal for some time.

Tina, what are you doing?

Hannah, we spent all that money on emptying your bladder. We’re not about to spend anymore on filling it.

Paul

Hey, guys!

JJJon, Jo, Hannah and Tina

What?

Paul

Ridgeback Woods is near here.

I’m sorry. Are we supposed to be impressed by that?

Paul

Yeah. Because my parents talk about Ridgeback Woods all the time. I’ve got relatives that live there. My great uncle’s cousin’s brother twice removed. He lives there.

Why was he removed?

Because he reoffended.

Maybe we should stop by and see if any of your relatives are still there.

Paul

I fair of way, Tina. You’re interested in my relatives.

I was thinking, uh, maybe we can borrow some money off them.

Tina!

Sorry.

What a great idea!

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So here we are, on the trail of Paul’s ancestors that really famous family, the Cattermole’s.

Paul

Come on then. (to the woman) ‘Scuse me a minute. Could you tell us how to get to Ridgeback Woods?

WWoman

Ridgeback Woods? You don’t want to be going up there.

Why not?

WWoman

Because things happen to people in those woods.

LGLittle Girl

(crying)

WWoman

It’s okay, honey.

Like what?

WWoman

Like weird things.

What sort of weird things?

WWoman

I don’t rightly know. Only I heard about noises, people disappearing, twigs in funny shapes, wobbly camera work.

Paul

You mean it’s haunted?

WWoman

Ruck sacks with gooey stuff in them bobble hats.

Paul

Do you think she’s trying to tell us something?

(to Mike) ‘Scuse me. Hi. We’re trying to find Ridgeback Woods. What, are you gonna start going weird on us as well?

You wanna find Ridgeback Woods?

That’s what I just said, you hoof.

There’s something you need to know.

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Well, they say that some actors were given a camera and sent out into the woods to make this movie, but some people who disappeared in the woods while making a movie.

Sounds spooky.

Sounds confusing.

Sounds like it’s been done before.

Then when the lights start to fade, that’s when the weird noises started to happen.

(hiccups) Oh. Sorry. Fizzy lemonade.

Go on.

Anyhow, they go out of the woods and they started to make this film. Well, pretty soon, they got lost in the night. That’s when the weird things started happening. (He imagines the man walked in the woods and got lost in the night) First, one of them disappears. (He imagines one of them disappears as the man says “I’m so scared.”) Then they all disappear. (He imagines that they all disappear and the man says “There you are.”) The only thing that was left was the tapes from the film that they were making, and the tapes from the other film that the other people were making when they disappeared.

AAll

Wow.

So they disappeared up their own film.

Nobody knows. But there’s this website where you can read all about it. At least there was a website.

Paul

Don’t tell me and that’s disappeared as well.

Exactly. Scary, huh?

Paul

Well, I still want to go and see if my relatives are still living there.

If they are still there, I’m pretty sure they won’t be living.

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Paul, are you sure you know where you’re going?

Paul

Yeah. We’ve just gotta turn left again.

We just turn left again.

We turn left again and then we turn left again.

Paul, I think that’s one more again than we should have turned.

Paul

Look, don’t worry. All right?

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Is this it then?

Paul, if this is where your relatives lived, they must’ve been trees.

Right, this is very interesting. Now let’s go.

Paul

There is a small problem.

What?

Paul

We’ve run out of petrol.

AAll

Oh.

How can you run out of petrol, you complete muffin?

You realize that if you don’t put the petrol in the car, it stops.

Paul

All right. It’s not my fault. I forgot to look at the gauge.

So what are we gonna do now?

Jo will fix it.

It’s run out of petrol, Bradley. How can I fix that?

I don’t know. Maybe you could, um, change engine up a little bit and make it run on some word or some leaves or… (slaps himself) or some mashed-up mosquitoes.

Yeah, right.

Bradley, why don’t you ever talk any sense?

Because it’s too easy.

Next to you to suggest that we dig for oil and turn that into petrol and put that in the car.

You’re right. That’s ridiculous.

Exactly.

How are we gonna dig without a shovel?

Look, guys. There’s only one thing for us to do. Some of us are gonna go and look for some petrol while the other guys stay here.

What? We’re going then?

Well, I think Paul should go.

Paul

Why me?

Because you’re the one that forgot to look at the petrol gauge.

Paul

But Jo forgot to look at the petrol gauge as well, so why doesn’t she go?

Cos I weren’t driving, you hoof. What about Rachel?

Why me?

Cos you get spooked easily. This might help you get over it.

Oh, thanks, Jo.

Paul

What about Jon?

Or Bradley?

Or maybe Hannah.

What are you saying me for?

Because no one’s mentioned your name yet.

I could even see you mentioned that.

Yeah, but you just sit there all the time, right.

(screams then calms down) Now listen. We’ve got to decide what to do. Now, what are our choices?

Oh, yes. Our choices. Well, our choices are either we can sit here in the spooky woods for hours and die or we can go for a walk in the spooky woods for hours and die.

Not really, um, much of a choice there, Rach. That’s kind of like saying “Should we sit here and wait for big monster to come and bite our arm off, or make a monster walk for a little bit…and then let him bite your arm off?”

I’ll make it walk, definitely.

Yeah, but it’ll probably work up more of an appetite and end up eating your other arm as well.

That is a good point. Stay here definitely.

Paul

Well, I’m gonna look for some petrol. So who’s coming with me?

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