Hannah quotes from L.A. 7

Hannah

Come on!

Hannah

Thank you. Thank you. Erm, first of all, I’d like to thank my co-stars the marvellous Leonardo DiCaprio… Hi, babe. …and um, the gorgeous Brad Pitt who are absolutely wonderful!

Bradley

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, I’m Ch… uh… I’d like to thank the director for casting me as the new James Bond and I’ve got to say I’m looking forward to the sequel where I get a chance to snug Britney Spears. Thank you very much. (blows a kiss)

Rachel

To be honest, I was a bit worried about the shower scenes, but Mr. Spielberg shot them in the best possible taste. Thank you, Steven. This is for you. (blows a kiss)

Jo

Hey. Hey. Um… Yeah. I just want to say it’s brilliant to receive this award for best ballsy blown with a spanner in an action movie and, um, yeah. I’m chuffed to bits. Thanks a lot. Cheers.

Jon

It was a great honor for me as an English actor to be asked to play the role of the young John F. Kennedy. I thank you all and the academy. Thank you.

Tina

My commiserations go to the other nominees Gwyneth Paltrow, Julia Roberts who just weren’t quite good enough to win. (blows a kiss)

Paul

I’d like to say a big thank you to the American academy for this award for best actor ever, in everything. (clears throats) And I’d also like to say that I’m going to share it with the rest of S Club 7, but I’m not going to. Na-na-na-na-na!

Jo

Hey, Paul, that was really mean.

Paul

What?

Jon

Yeah. Not sharing the Oscar with us.

Yeah.

Paul

Oh, come on! You got one. Each didn’t…

Tina

Yeah, but…

Paul

Oh, shut up!

Bradley

Wait a minute. Shut up!

Bradley

Don’t you see what’s happening? We’re not the Oscars in Hollywood. We’re all having the same dream again.

Oh, no.

Jo

So we haven’t won any awards then.

Paul

No.

Tina

And we’re not famous.

Paul

Nope.

Jon

We’re just stranded in the middle of the desert.

Rachel

Just look at it.

Hannah

Deserted.

Jon

Well observed, Hannah.

Paul

Come on. Let’s get going.

Jon

Okay. So here we are, the S Club 7 on the road to Los Angeles. Hannah is dying for loo.

Hannah

(groaning desperately) Can anyone see a ditch or anything?

Paul

No.

Hannah

(groaning desperately again)

Jo

Concentrate on something else.

Bradley

Yeah, like a big river gushing over a waterfall.

Bradley!

Bradley

What?

Tina

Why does America have to be so big?

Jon

Because it’s got 260 million people in it.

Rachel

Oh. So where are they all?

Hannah

It’s got about many people you’re thinking they have a few more loose.

Rachel

Paul, what are you doing?

Paul

Look. (pointing to the sign saying Loo in British)

Hannah

Oh, yes!

Howdy, folks.

Hi.

Bradley

What’s up?

Hannah

‘Scuse me. Can I use your loo please?

Sure, for $50.

Hannah

What?

You don’t have to use it, but the next bathroom’s about 300 miles down the road.

Hannah

Here, 10. Is that enough?

I’m sorry, but I gotta make a living out here. There’s nothing else to do. Make it $20.

Hannah

Guys, can you help me out? Please, please unburst him! Guys, I’ll pay you back. I’ll be your friend.

Rachel

Hannah, you are our friend.

Hannah

I’ll be even more of a friend. I’ll do anything. I’ll make you cups of teas in the mornings.

Bradley

And make us toast to marmite.

Hannah

Yes!

Bradley

And tidy our veggies for us.

Hannah

Yes! Anything!

All right.

Rachel

There we go. Enjoy.

So you’re all going to Hollywood to act in the movies.

Jon

Yeah. Well, maybe if we get lucky.

I don’t like acting. Don’t seem real to me.

Rachel

Well, actually, we’re in a band. We’re hoping to get some work in a club and maybe get a record deal.

You mean you sing songs?

Tina

We try.

I don’t like songs. I like the music of the desert. Rattlesnake rattling across the sand. Sound of a bats’ swing squeaking in the night air. Gopher sitting on a flat top rock, breaking wind in the key of B-flat minor.

That’s Nature’s music.

Tina

Somehow, um, I don’t think that’ll get in the charts.

You want to make money? Get out of pop music. Get into bathrooms. I got a chain of bathrooms across every desert in this country. Arizona, Texas, Utah. Not everybody wants to listen to music, but everybody sure wants to take a whiz.

Jon

It’s a good thought, actually.

Bradley

What is taking her so long?

Hannah!

Hannah

That’s better. Come on then! What are you waiting for?

Jon

Okay, guys. Well, you better enjoy this cos this could be our last meal for some time.

Hannah

Tina, what are you doing?

Tina

Hannah, we spent all that money on emptying your bladder. We’re not about to spend anymore on filling it.

Paul

Hey, guys!

What?

Paul

Ridgeback Woods is near here.

Rachel

I’m sorry. Are we supposed to be impressed by that?

Paul

Yeah. Because my parents talk about Ridgeback Woods all the time. I’ve got relatives that live there. My great uncle’s cousin’s brother twice removed. He lives there.

Hannah

Why was he removed?

Jon

Because he reoffended.

Tina

Maybe we should stop by and see if any of your relatives are still there.

Paul

I fair of way, Tina. You’re interested in my relatives.

Tina

I was thinking, uh, maybe we can borrow some money off them.

Hannah

Tina!

Tina

Sorry.

Hannah

What a great idea!

Jo

So here we are, on the trail of Paul’s ancestors that really famous family, the Cattermole’s.

Paul

Come on then. (to the woman) ‘Scuse me a minute. Could you tell us how to get to Ridgeback Woods?

Ridgeback Woods? You don’t want to be going up there.

Rachel

Why not?

Because things happen to people in those woods.

(crying)

It’s okay, honey.

Hannah

Like what?

Like weird things.

Rachel

What sort of weird things?

I don’t rightly know. Only I heard about noises, people disappearing, twigs in funny shapes, wobbly camera work.

Paul

You mean it’s haunted?

Ruck sacks with gooey stuff in them bobble hats.

Paul

Do you think she’s trying to tell us something?

Jo

(to Mike) ‘Scuse me. Hi. We’re trying to find Ridgeback Woods. What, are you gonna start going weird on us as well?

You wanna find Ridgeback Woods?

Jo

That’s what I just said, you hoof.

There’s something you need to know.

Well, they say that some actors were given a camera and sent out into the woods to make this movie, but some people who disappeared in the woods while making a movie.

Hannah

Sounds spooky.

Bradley

Sounds confusing.

Jon

Sounds like it’s been done before.

Then when the lights start to fade, that’s when the weird noises started to happen.

Bradley

(hiccups) Oh. Sorry. Fizzy lemonade.

Jo

Go on.

Anyhow, they go out of the woods and they started to make this film. Well, pretty soon, they got lost in the night. That’s when the weird things started happening. (He imagines the man walked in the woods and got lost in the night) First, one of them disappears. (He imagines one of them disappears as the man says “I’m so scared.”) Then they all disappear. (He imagines that they all disappear and the man says “There you are.”) The only thing that was left was the tapes from the film that they were making, and the tapes from the other film that the other people were making when they disappeared.

Wow.

Tina

So they disappeared up their own film.

Nobody knows. But there’s this website where you can read all about it. At least there was a website.

Paul

Don’t tell me and that’s disappeared as well.

Exactly. Scary, huh?

Paul

Well, I still want to go and see if my relatives are still living there.

If they are still there, I’m pretty sure they won’t be living.

Tina

Is this it then?

Rachel

Paul, if this is where your relatives lived, they must’ve been trees.

Bradley

Right, this is very interesting. Now let’s go.

Paul

There is a small problem.

Jo

What?

Paul

We’ve run out of petrol.

Oh.

Tina

How can you run out of petrol, you complete muffin?

Jo

You realize that if you don’t put the petrol in the car, it stops.

Paul

All right. It’s not my fault. I forgot to look at the gauge.

Rachel

So what are we gonna do now?

Bradley

Jo will fix it.

Jo

It’s run out of petrol, Bradley. How can I fix that?

Bradley

I don’t know. Maybe you could, um, change engine up a little bit and make it run on some word or some leaves or… (slaps himself) or some mashed-up mosquitoes.

Rachel

Yeah, right.

Jon

Bradley, why don’t you ever talk any sense?

Bradley

Because it’s too easy.

Rachel

Next to you to suggest that we dig for oil and turn that into petrol and put that in the car.

Hannah

You’re right. That’s ridiculous.

Rachel

Exactly.

Hannah

How are we gonna dig without a shovel?

Jon

Look, guys. There’s only one thing for us to do. Some of us are gonna go and look for some petrol while the other guys stay here.

Bradley

What? We’re going then?

Jon

Well, I think Paul should go.

Paul

Why me?

Jon

Because you’re the one that forgot to look at the petrol gauge.

Paul

But Jo forgot to look at the petrol gauge as well, so why doesn’t she go?

Jo

Cos I weren’t driving, you hoof. What about Rachel?

Rachel

Why me?

Jo

Cos you get spooked easily. This might help you get over it.

Rachel

Oh, thanks, Jo.

Paul

What about Jon?

Jon

Or Bradley?

Bradley

Or maybe Hannah.

Hannah

What are you saying me for?

Bradley

Because no one’s mentioned your name yet.

Hannah

I could even see you mentioned that.

Bradley

Yeah, but you just sit there all the time, right.

Tina

(screams then calms down) Now listen. We’ve got to decide what to do. Now, what are our choices?

Rachel

Oh, yes. Our choices. Well, our choices are either we can sit here in the spooky woods for hours and die or we can go for a walk in the spooky woods for hours and die.

Jon

Not really, um, much of a choice there, Rach. That’s kind of like saying “Should we sit here and wait for big monster to come and bite our arm off, or make a monster walk for a little bit…and then let him bite your arm off?”

Rachel

I’ll make it walk, definitely.

Bradley

Yeah, but it’ll probably work up more of an appetite and end up eating your other arm as well.

Rachel

That is a good point. Stay here definitely.

Paul

Well, I’m gonna look for some petrol. So who’s coming with me?

Rachel

Bye.

Jon

See you later.

Hannah

See you later.

Paul

Take care.

Hannah

You too. Bye, Rach.

Jo

Bye, Paul.

Paul

Take care.

Rachel

Be careful.

Hannah

You too. Are you sure you want to go?

Rachel

Yeah. I mean I’ve never really been that brave, so I guess I better start now.

Jo

Make sure you don’t disappear.

Hannah

Do you think we’ll ever see them again?

Jon

Of course we will.

Jo

Well, I hope so.

Bradley

Yeah. Me too. Paul still owes me a fiver. What?

Hannah

If you’re a monster, who would you eat first?

Jo

Probably not you. You’re too stringy.

Hannah

Oh, that’s good.

Bradley

It’d probably have you for a starter.

Hannah

Do you think so?

Jon

Yeah. I think it’ll probably have Hannah as a starter and then me as a main course.

Jo

Bradley for pudding.

Bradley

You saying I’m fat?

Jo

No. I’m saying you’re sweet.

Hannah

You might be vegetarian.

Jo

Nah. What’s the point in having a vegetarian monster? Only be able to scare vegetables. It’s not very monstrous.

Jon

What was that?

Tina

Let’s sing.

Paul

What?

Jo

What?

Hannah

Let’s sing a song to scare away the monstery things.

Rachel

Well, we might as well. It couldn’t hurt.

Rachel

(screaming)

Tina

I just think we were lost in the woods.

So did I.

Hannah

(screaming) I just think we were lost in the woods!

So did I.

We were lost in the woods!

Hannah

What’s that noise?!

Jon

I don’t know.

Tina

It’s just nothing.

Rachel

Nothing doesn’t make a noise like that.

Tina

Maybe it’s something then.

Rachel

Yeah, but what sort of something?

Paul

Probably a mouse.

Tina

A mouse with big clumpy boots on?

Rachel

Paul. Paul, go and see what it is.

Paul

I’m not going out there.

Jo

Jon, can I see what it is?

Jon

I’m not going out there!

Hannah

It’s coming nearer!

Tina

It’s getting nearer.

Whoa!

Rachel

Thank goodness.

Paul

What’s that?

Rachel

What is it?

Hey there. Thought I’d come to see how you’re getting on.

Oh.

Tina

Goodness.

Jo

Wait a minute.

What?

Jo

Where’s Bradley?

Jon

He’s gone.

Rachel

The monsters have got him. I know it.

Tina

Monsters don’t exist.

Hannah

The monster that doesn’t exist got him.

Tina

Oh, no. Poor Bradley.

Jo

(calling) Bradley! Bradley!

Bradley!

Bradley

Oh, guys! Is that monster gone yet?

Hannah

He’s here!

Bradley

Oh. I got some good news for you, guys. I found some petrol.

Aw.

Jon

(reading) Camp Elysium. Proprietor: Blair Beazley, Ph.D. “Cogito Ergo Sum.”

Jo

Blimey, you can say that again, mate.

Jon

No, I don’t think I can actually.

Bradley

What does it mean?

Tina

Roughly translated. He who pops first, pops loudest.

Bradley

I thought I recognized it from somewhere.

Tina

I’m sorry, but in what possible is this? A camp?

Bradley

Where are the tents?

Jo

Or the shower blocks?

Hannah

Or the cow pats? Well, you can’t have a campsite without cow pats. It’d be like having a cheese and pickle sandwich right the pickles.

Tina

Or the cheese.

Paul

Well, maybe they have a different idea of what camping is here.

Bradley

I don’t know about you, but when I went away with the 27th flourish of sea scouts, well, we didn’t quite feel the need to bring our own library.

Tina

It looks more like a university than a kids camp.

Jo

This Beazley about? He does know we are, right? I mean he’s not expecting proper teachers or anything.

Paul

No, no, no. Of course not.

Tina

You didn’t perchance spin him that old yarn about you being at school of Prince William, did you?

Paul

Yeah, like I would.

Jon

Don’t worry, Teen. He only uses that line on girls.

Bradley

Or they guy dog.

Hannah

I reckon Paul used that line so often. He almost believes it himself.

Paul

No, I don’t! Now look. Just go and fetch my case from the car, you nasty little commoner.

Rachel

Maybe we should think about this for a moment. This place feels really weird.

Paul

Rachel, Professor Beazley is offering us 300 a week plus bored.

Rachel

Didn’t I say “I love weird?”

Jo

Where is everybody?

In the hall waiting for the lectures to begin.

Bradley

Lectures?

Uh-huh. This morning, we’re doing dark matter and wormholes.

Hannah

Oh, biology. Nice!

No. Astrophysics.

Hannah

Of course! Astrophysics.

Rachel

Well, don’t let us keep you. We wouldn’t want you missing the start of your lecture.

Not very likely seeing how we’re the ones giving it.

Welcome to clever camp.

Bradley

Oh, right. What?

Jo

Okay. Soak him.

Paul

All right. I admit it. I may have slightly exaggerated the order educational achievement, but I was only saying what we wanted to hear.

Tina

Yeah, but Oxford?

Paul

All I said is that we’ve been to Oxford which we have.

Rachel

Only for one night, when we played at my niece Anna’s birthday party.

Paul

Did I say that would graduate it?

Jon

Yes, but now we have to play a concert of classical music!

Hannah

Forget soaking. Drowning!

Paul

Look, look. I can explain!

Bradley

Go on then. Explain.

Paul

You’re right. I can’t.

Jon

Look, we could try and bluff it. You know, improvise.

Tina

Improvise? You can’t improvise with classical music. It got rules.

Paul

Beazley made the performances part of the deal. No performance, no check.

Tina

On the other hand, rules were made to be broken.