Joni quotes from L.A. 7

Joni

So, I was with him for 3 years and it didn’t work out. And then my next boyfriend, it didn’t work out either. Nor did the next one… or the next one.

Bradley

So what about the next one?

Joni

Oh! Um, that didn’t work out either. Oh! But then I met the most fine wonderful man. Oh, I was so happy!

Bradley

Good!

Joni

Yeah. We got married and we had a fantastic life. I knew he was the one for me. Yeah. (Then her smile fades slowly) But it didn’t work out.

Bradley

What a shame.

Joni

Oh, hi, guys! Come on in!

Hi!

Tina

Bradley, come on. We’ve got a gig to go to.

Bradley

Oh, wicked!

Paul

So, let’s get up and let’s get going.

Joni

I don’t know if he’s ready to perform yet.

Jon

You know what? I think he’s gonna be just fine.

Bradley

Joni said we could all stay here.

Really?

Joni

Sure! I have an empty apartment upstairs that you can have. And while Bradley is recovering, you don’t have to pay rent.

Tina

Fantastic!

Paul

That is brilliant.

Jon

Oh, are you okay?

Bradley

Yeah.

Rachel

Take it easy.

Bradley

I think I’ll be fine.

Rachel

Oh, be careful with him. I don’t think he’s fully recovered yet.

Jon

Yeah. Yeah. Easy does it, Bradley. Easy does it.

Rachel

Oh! Um, we’re on at the cafe if you want to come along.

Joni

Really? Oh, I would love to! Okay, I’ll see you there.

Rachel

Yeah, cool!

Bye! Bye! (They all leave but Bradley bumps into the door) Ooh!

Rachel

See you.

Ooh, oh-oh

Loving you is not just luck or illusion

Baby, loving you comes easily to me

We got the answers, but there’s no explanation (no explanation)

Baby, loving you comes easily to me

Joni

You know, that’s the S Club 7. They’re living in one of my apartments.

(What I live for, it’s what I live for)

Rachel

Paul’s nearly ready. He’s very excited.

Joni

Ooh, that makes two of us. (referring to Paul) Um, now I will have him home by 11:00, and is there anything that he doesn’t eat?

Rachel

Hmm… Tin cans.

Jo

Washing machines.

Tina

And that’s about it.

Paul

Hi.

Joni

Hi. Well, let’s party.

Joni

Mmm. George Clooney’s eyes. The new George Clooney’s smile. And he had George Clooney’s body. It was love at first sight.

Aw.

(sigh)

Jo

So why are you still with him?

Joni

Well, he didn’t quite have George Clooney’s wallet.

Paul

You don’t really believe in love at first sight, do ya?

Joni

Yeah, I do.

Bradley

Has it ever actually happened to you?

Joni

No.

Jo

I had loved her face that once. That was quite nice.

Rachel

My part of the third sight. Mmm. That was lovely.

Joni

Well, I’ve had love at no sight. Beat that.

Bradley

How did you manage that?

Joni

Well, I met him on the internet. We exchanged romantic emails for months. He told me that he was a 45 year old millionaire with his own airplane, but then when I finally met him, he was a 14 year old squirrel with his own skateboard.

Jon

Yeah. Well, I think it’s a lot of old rubbish, anyway.

Jo

(to Jon) Well, you would.

Paul

I’ve had, I’ve had hate of first sight, a mild irritation, a second and, um, you’re not so bad after all at third. Does that count?

Tina

No.

Paul

Oh.

Bradley

What’s the matter with him?

Jo

I have no idea.

Tina

Come on. Let’s go.

Paul

Where?

Rachel

He said we’d write some more songs today. Remember?

Paul

Yeah, but what is the point?

Bradley

There are all these good songs. We’ve got no record contract. We’ve got no money. Our agent is rubbish.

Paul

No proper gigs.

Rachel

What about the prom?

Paul

All right. One proper gig.

Bradley

Yeah. But our agent didn’t even get us there.

Paul

Yeah. Guys, I really don’t want us to be one of those bands who just do kids’ parties and old people’s retirement homes and bar mitzvahs.

Tina

We’re not going to do that.

Jo

No way.

Hannah

Hey! Guess what, everyone? Our agent’s got us a gig out of a mitzvahs. What?

Paul

You see, we’ve gotta get a new agent.

Joni

I’m happy to help you with that.

Rachel

Really? How?

Joni

Well, I had a bit of a thing with an agent one time.

Jo

Really? Was it love at first sight?

Joni

No. It was love at first smell. Or he had this great aftershave.

Jon

But, what if I never see her again?

Tina

You will.

Jon

But, what if she was like the love of my life and I’ve seen her for 20 seconds and that was it, and now I’ve lost her forever.

Hannah

Yeah. Well, at least it lasted longer than some of Bradley’s relationships.

Joni

I was thinking about what you guys said the other day about needing a new agent and I think I have an idea.

Paul

Yeah?

Joni

Yeah. Well, I did a little bit of acting in the 70s and I had this great agent and he got me this fantastic part on Charlie’s Angels.

Bradley

You was in Charlie’s Angels?

Joni

I was the fourth angel.

Hannah

There was only 3 angels on Charlie’s Angels.

Joni

Well, there were four originally but, um, on the first day of filming, Charlie made a pass with me and, um, I kind of hit him and he ended up in the hospital, so, um, that’s why you never see his face.

Tina

So who was your agent?

Joni

Oh. Um, Mr. Walters at Walters Wilson and Walters.

Let’s go get him!

Joni

Good luck!

Joni

Have you seen the kids?

No. I don’t like kids. When I see kids, I feel sick. So I don’t see kids, then I feel better.

Joni

I saw them come in here, Alphonse. Now don’t lie to me. Where are they?

Jon

Guys, see. It’s just like I was telling you. The tiles on this side of the counter are just the same as the tiles on that side.

Oh.

Jon

Oh, Joni. Hi. What a pleasant surprise.

Joni

All right, everybody. Out from behind the counter, pronto.

Joni

And bring your wallets.

Kids. They’re like mice. They get in through the smaller spaces.

Hannah

Can I see who’s probably now… (sneezing)

Gesundheit.

Hannah

Thanks.

Joni

That’s it. That’s all you have. You guys, I’m looking for the rent here. Not a tip for the bus, boy.

Jon

Look, Joni. We are trying. We’re really looking hard for some work, aren’t we, guys?

Hm.

Jon

Aren’t you?

Yes!

Joni

All right, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do here. Instead of throwing you out, I’m going to go proactive. I’m going to help you guys to help yourselves and in turn, help myself to…

Bradley

Help yourself to what?

Joni

To half your wages. Now here’s the deal, a friend of mine just called and asked if I knew 3 sensible kids who wanted to do some house sitting.

Hannah

And do you? Because if you don’t, then I’m sure I might know some…

Paul

Hannah.

Bradley

House sitting? Is that like when you sit around someone else’s pool? You eat with their food and you get paid for it.

Joni

No. That’s where you watch somebody’s property in a conscientious and professional manner.

Hannah

And then you sit around the pool all day munching their food.

Joni

Okay. Well, there’s 2 kids who obviously have other working plans for the next few weeks.

Hannah

No. We were only joking.

Bradley

Yeah. We are sensible. In fact, that’s what the SNS Club stands for.

Tina

Too late. You’ve blown it.

Bradley

Oh.

Joni

Here, drink some water. Are you okay?

I think I’m gonna die. (She drinks)

Joni

(to everyone) We gave you guys our trust and this is how you repay us? Look what you’ve done to this place! I mean you could be sued, I could be sued. If we stay out of jail, it’ll be a total miracle.

Jo

Oh, come on, Joni. Don’t overdo it.

Rachel

Okay. So there were couple of glasses broken, but it’s-it’s more mess than anything.

Jon

Yeah. Just think of it like a kind of big city rubbish tip.

Joni

What are you guys gonna do about this?

Paul

Maybe we should call Ventura dustbusters. Maybe not.

Joni

You are so lucky that the owner is not here. That’s all I can say.

Joni

Oh, there we are. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

Hannah

Hi, Joni.

Paul

Hi, Joni.

Rachel

Hi, Joni.

Tina

Hi, Joni.

Joni

Wait till I tell all my friends, I know the S Club 7. A bunch of kids who lay around and don’t tidy up after themselves. Very impressive.

Hannah

We are gonna tidy up.

Paul

We just need to decide whose turn it is.

Joni

Well, then what you guys need is a cleaning schedule.

Rachel

I said that.

Paul

But we couldn’t decide whose turn it was to write the cleaning shed-yule.

Joni

Shall I tell you what one of the most important rules of show business is?

Tina

What’s that?

Joni

Knowing when to give up?

Tina

What do you mean?

Joni

Well, as far as I know you came to L.A. to find fame and fortune and unless it’s hiding under the dirty dishes in the kitchen. You haven’t found it.

Hannah

Yeah, if it’s early days yet.

Joni

Is it?

Paul

I think we’re making good progress.

Joni

Are you?

Rachel

Yeah?

Tina

We are.

Hannah

Aren’t we?

Joni

Well, I don’t know, but what I do know is that if you guys wanna keep this apartment, you had better keep it tidy…and pay your rent on time. (She hits the table) Because otherwise it’s gonna be a case of repossession, and I don’t wanna go through that again.

5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…

Tina

No, it’s still not right. (to Jon) Jon. Oh, yeah, I’m not speaking to you, am I? (to Jo) Jo, can you tell Paul to tell Hannah.

Paul

I am not talking to Hannah.

Tina

Of course. That’s right. (She walks over to Hannah) Hannah, can you tell Jo to tell Rachel to tell Paul to tell Jon that…

Jon

What?

Paul

What?

Rachel

What?

Bradley

What?

Jo

What?

Hannah

What?!

Tina

I forgot I was gonna say now.

Hannah

Can someone tell me who are not talking to you? I can’t remember anymore.

Paul

It’s me.

Rachel

And me.

Hannah

Oh. Thanks. Tell her thanks.

Bradley

(to Rachel) Hannah says thanks.

Rachel

Tell her it’s a pleasure.

Hannah

What did she say?

Bradley

She said it’s a pleasure.

Hannah

Oh.

Bradley

Do you know what, guys? I think it’s pathetic.

Rachel

I know. We’ve never argued like this before.

Tina

It’s gonna ruin our performance.

Jo

What is wrong with us?

Paul

I don’t know. We just don’t seem to agree anymore.

Joni

Hi, guys!

Hi, Joni!

Joni

Listen, I know I’ve been a little cynical about this fame and fortune thing, but… I take it all back.

Bradley

Oh, really?

Paul

How come?

Joni

Well, one of you is definitely, definitely famous. Although, not so fortunate.

Jo

What are you talking about?

Joni

Just a little picture in a magazine.

Jon

Oh, no, no. Wait!

Jon

(He takes a magazine from Joni) It’s not funny!

Paul

Oh, yes it is!

Hannah

(Off-screen) Hey, guys!

Jon

I suppose it is quite funny.

Jo

Yeah.

Hannah

Oh, guys, we’ve just agreed on something.

Oh, yeah!

Joni

So, can I have your photograph?

Jon

Of course you can. (He signs in)

Joni

Thank you very much.

Rachel

Yeah.

Jo

Yeah.

Jo

Ah, I’m knackered. I sit now. I ain’t moving for the next 2 hours.

Joni

Here are you.

Rachel

Oh, no!

Joni

No, no. Why are your choice rehearsing?

Rachel

We have been rehearsing, Joni.

Joni

Oh, no. I don’t mean like that little group thing. I mean for something important now. I have otherwise you guys to have a special skill like, uh, juggler.

Rachel

We can sing.

Joni

Oh, no, honey. You’re in L.A. Every waiter and their mother sings. We’ve got to find you guys something that makes you stand out in the crowd.

Hannah

Ah. I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue.

Ugh.

Joni

Mmm. I wouldn’t go around boasting about that. Now let’s go out and find you guys a skill. Okay. Come on.

Tina

Hi, Joni.

Joni

Tina, you know. If you ever think about having a relationship with a man, then think again and think again, and just don’t do it.

Tina

Okay, right. Uh, I’ll remember that.

Joni

And if you do do it, then just check yourself into an ASAN asylum.

Tina

Top idea.

Joni

Cos I can help you with that, Tina. I can.

Tina

Good to know.

Joni

Hmm. What’s this? ANTS?!

Tina

Listen, nobody go near Joni. Looks like she’s having trouble with her boyfriend and she’s about to take it out on someone.

Jo

Hmm. Well, I hope she gives us some warnings so we can all take cover.

Somebody at the door!

Hannah

I don’t know if we rush, guys. I’ll get it.

Joni

Yes. I knew it!

Hannah

Oh! Hello, Joni. I didn’t recognize you from above.

Joni

Just as I thought.

Bradley

Ah! I had a nightmare that Joni was going across the floor, then when I woke up, Joni was going across the floor.

Jo

What is she doing?

Tina

Don’t take any notice. It’s probably some kind of new age ritual.

Joni

Ohh! I knew it! I knew it!

Paul

Uh-oh! Sounds serious. Better get ready to run! (They all rush around)

Paul

Um, where are my trainers?!

Rachel

I can’t go out looking like this!

Bradley

Whoa!

Joni

Look at that!

Tina

What?

Jo

Where?

Joni

Down there! Look! Ants! Hundreds of ants!

Jo

Oh, yeah. Well, I’d see that, eh?

Joni

I can see them. They stand out like a mile.

Jo

I wouldn’t say a mile. Maybe a few millilitres and they’re the tallest ones.

Joni

There is an infestation here. This place is a mess! Look at it! I mean don’t you ever clean it up? It’s disgusting! (to the rest of the band mates) Listen up, everybody! The terms of your lease say that this place must be kept clean or I can throw you out at any time.

Jon

You’re right. She’s right. You’re absolutely right. This place is a tip, isn’t it? (clicking fingers) Paul.

Paul

Yeah, yeah. Um, it’s a disgrace! There is parp everywhere. Yeah. Someone should clean it up. I’ve got to go and see a man about the goose.

Joni

Whoa, hold on. Where are you going?

Jo

Um, um, to get some ant killer.

Hannah

We can’t kill them.

Jo

Stunner. Ant stunner. We’ll buy some ant stunner and then we’ll stun the ants, take them outside and then um…

Hannah

Set them free.

Jo

Yeah. To roam the beach and destruct their stuff.

Hannah

But we’ll have to spin and run first so they get dizzy and they can’t find their way back!

Jo

That’s just stupid.

Hannah

But it works.

Bradley

More milk.

Tina

Me too.

Joni

Oh, no, no, no, no, no you don’t! No!

Joni

You know, I could get twice as much money for this apartment and have much less hassle.

Tina

Yeah, we realize that.

Joni

I mean I’m the one that’s doing you the favor here. You guys came here with nothing! I put a roof over your head and this is how you repay me.

Rachel

Don’t worry, Joni. We’ll help you tidy up.

Joni

(beginning to cry) You know, it’s just always the same thing. The nicer you are to people, the more they take you for granted, the more that they exploit your kindness.

Rachel

Aw.

Joni

I mean I just do the best that you can. I mean that’s all you can do, and then somebody just ups and leaves you for another one.

Tina

Joni, shut up! (sitting down next to her) This isn’t about the state of the apartment, is it?

Joni

What do you mean?

Tina

It’s your boyfriend, isn’t it? He’s dumped you. You’re upset. So come in here and take out on us and the ants.

Joni

Isn’t that obvious?

Rachel

Yes, but we want to help you.

Joni

You do? But why?

Rachel

Because… Good question.

Tina

Because we like you.

Joni

(sniffs) Really?

Rachel

(whispering to Tina) No, we don’t.

Tina

Yes, we do.

Rachel

Yes, we do and we want to help you get over your friend.

Tina

So, forget about the state of the apartment.

Rachel

Yeah, I mean what’s a little dust and mess and ants and dirty socks and grimy plates and general filth and…

Tina

Yeah. All right, Rach.

Rachel

When compared to love and human relationships.

Tina

Exactly.

Joni

(breaths calmly) You know, you’re right. I feel better already.

Joni

So that’s how it always works. I break up with somebody and then I regret it, so I phone them and then it all gets bad again.

Tina

Okay. Here’s the suggestion. If you find yourself wanting to find this guy up, then talk to us instead and we’ll help you not to find him.

Joni

Really? That’s very nice of you. Hey, guys.

Hi.

Jo

Joni, about the rent.

Rachel

No, it’s fine. Everything’s cool.

Jon

Is it?

Joni

Yeah, it is. What are you guys up to?

Jon

Well, we’re kind of sick and tired of sitting around waiting to be discovered, so we decided to make a film.

Rachel

Oh, that’s a great idea! That’s brilliant.

Tina

That’s great!

Joni

That’s great, that’s great. (trying to ring a number to someone)

Tina

Joni?

Joni

Hm?

Tina

What are you doing?

Joni

Oh. Nothing. So… Let’s make movies!

Paul

Yeah.

Bradley

That’s a good idea.